Chapter 31

Laying naked in my bed wearing nothing but a smile on my face, the movie played in my mind. The reel was rolling.

A splash of Nigel, on top of me, kissing me so passionately, as our hands entwined together, squeezed together till our veins bulged out.

Blink.

I was on top of him, and I was making sweet passionate love to him, without one single thread, without one single guilt, without one single regret.

Blink.

His sweaty body rubbed against mine hard yet tender. His eyes were closed but his face told so many stories of happiness, pleasure...bliss. Ah.

He groaned as he opened his eyes and reached for my lips. His hand cupped my breast, and I lost it. Oh God.

Blink.

Tangled in between sheets, our love collided as our body couldn't seem to part from one another. Writhing in clarified orgasmic euphoria, this is worth every sin a woman can carry for the world. This is worth all the seven hells and back. This is worth being called a whore for the rest of my life.

Blink.

I opened my eyes and smiled. I reached to my side to find Nigel but the bed beside me was empty. I rubbed my eyes, trying to see clearly. My head was pounding. Oh, that champagne got to me so badly. For a quick moment, I felt an utter panic I couldn't contain. What happened? Did I sleep with him? Did I really sleep with him? Oh my dear God.

I stood up quick on the bed. Looking at myself, I was in my underwear. The dress was off, thrown on the chaise by the window. Everything else was still intact. I wasn't naked. I wasn't sweaty. But I surely was wet.

Damn... that was such a good dream. I felt goose bumps formed on my forearms. I rubbed myself as fast as I could to get warm. The sensation and the feeling I felt after realizing how great that dream was drove me mad. It felt so real. It felt like it happened. I could picture every moment of my dream vividly of how he made love to me. I could see his facial expression when he came inside me ever so clearly. I could still feel his strong hands manhandling me. Ah..was it just a dream?

I spent the next hour in disbelief of what just happened to me. What happened? Nothing happened. It wasn't real. It was just a dream. However, for the life of me, I couldn't get a hold of myself. I couldn't control this urge to be with him and to tell the world to hell with everything. I wanted it. I wanted him more than anything. I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted him so much. You only live once I told myself. You only live once.

Then, live.

I tried to recall what happened last night. We had a wonderful time at the gala. I still remember all those fine people of Singapore dressed so grandly. All the flowing Louis Roederer Champagne.... Those flutes poured those bubbly so smoothly down my throat with no halts. The salty caviar with lemon gelée was a nice touch. I could remember savoring that hors d'oeuvres just a little bit too much. I also enjoyed playing "the woman" next to Nigel Gallagher a bit too much. It felt wonderful. It felt right. It was all I ever wanted.

I kept saying that. It was all I ever wanted. What did I ever want? To tell you the truth, what I really wanted for the life of me was a family. I wanted a successful man who loves me. I wanted a man who cares so much about me he wants a family with me. All I wanted was to raise a couple of healthy babies and grow old together happily ever after. I wanted what Emma has. I wanted that happy easy life where I don't always have to fend for myself so I could have a roof over my head. I wanted to be at home and cook all day and wait for the husband and kids to get home.

I have been trying to convince myself all this time that I am a modern woman who works for a living and loving it, who strives for a career like it is the most important thing, who is successful and independent. I am a modern woman who doesn't need any man to make me happy. I am a modern woman who feels just fine being by herself as she completes herself.

Truth is, the more I grew older, the more boring I became. I am not that modern woman every housewife envies. No. I am a successful woman who just got a huge promotion to be an Executive Editor of an International magazine. Yet, when I was at that gala with all those grandeur people, I realized how boring I was. I made conversations when I had to. If not, I was fine to stay silent as frankly I could give a rat's ass about any of those people. I didn't have much interesting things to say or used any of my corporate training of how to win friends and influence  people. Nope,  I didn't care to use any of the techniques in making empty conversations and making a connection. I didn't feel like I belong in that happening lifestyle or in that partying type of setting. I thrive more in a dinner gathering with friends. I can stomach a little slow dancing. In fact, I did my fair share of it last night. But, moving your body around in contortion and be the spectacle of watching eyes, and making random babbles about shit you won't care to repeat while you tried to scream passed the loud music weren't really my thing. The only thing that made me happy there was the champagne that was truly wonderful, and Nigel.

Though I must admit I do feel the pressure at times of those staring eyes who judged you as not cool enough. At times, life never graduates high school. You're constantly judged to perform at a certain level of magnificence.

At the end of the day, I am an old soul at heart. I am a homebody. I am not the hip and cool girl I used to be when I was younger. I had adapted to that boring, mundane lifestyle an old married couple would have. I am not even married. Yet, I adapted to it because dammit I am ready for it. I have been ready for it for a long long time.

Yet, here I am in my late thirties, being pushed to have to act like twenty something so that I can impress someone who might be a suitor while all the while, he was right there next to me. Except, he's off limit as he's already had his boring happy life with a woman at home.

I am ready for a boring life. That was all I ever wanted. However, I aptly convinced myself that this big promotion, this big success, the extra income I will spend on pampering and eating out at nice restaurants are all I ever wished for. Frankly, it wasn't because of want. Frankly, I learned to love what I have because it is all I have.

It is all I have.

But then, I do have this man who loves me. Last night in the Singaporean prom, I was happy like a senior having been able to snatch the "guy" to be my date. I knew I was beaming last night, the whole time. I was so proud to be by his side. Now, I do have this man I truly love. This is all I ever wanted. I could have a chance to have my boring happy life. For real.

You only live once.

I knew that but it never resonates with me. You only live once so live it right, correct? What is it? Living by the rules, or live it as how to make you the happiest? What will make me the happiest is to be called a whore but I can be with Nigel and feel his love inside me every night. What will make it right is to denounce him one more time and deny the one thing I truly want. So, which one?

I heard someone was opening my door. I scooted up a bit anticipating Nigel. He had my room key.

"Hey..." he said. "I didn't think you're up." He said. He was dressed ready to go.
"I just woke up." I said. "I didn't want to wake up." I said and smiled. He smiled and came to bed next to me. "I wouldn't want to be up either." he said. "It's 4:30 am."
"Ah..." I said as I yawned... "Not because of that." I said. "I had the most wonderful dream." I said and smiled. "I didn't want to wake up from it."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. So wonderful."
"Were you in your wedding gown and I was at the altar waiting for you and we were 15 years younger?" He asked.
"Nigel...if I dreamed about getting married, it means I'm gonna die!"
"Oh!" he said. "Who said??" He said. "That's some crazy superstitious."
"Ask my mom." I said and laughed.
"I can't wait to meet this mom of yours." He said and smiled. "She sounds so complex."
"That,  you can say." I said giggling thinking about my dear mom the complex housewife.
"She has to be a wonderful woman having raised a daughter like you." Nigel looked at me with such a sincere admiration that I couldn't help but to lean down and kissed his lips.
"I love you." I said. "I dreamed about you and I making love." I said. "So hot, so fucking wonderful, that I wished I would never wake up." I saw him swallowed.
"Wow.." he said as he grinned. "Lucky you." he said. I nodded.
"It felt so real, baby." I said as I looked down. He slipped his hand and grabbed my waist and he pulled me closer to him.
"Well, I am glad you were able to feel how wonderful it would be if you and I could be together, even if it's in a dream." He said. "I could only imagine." he said, ".....And, I will take some valium tonight with a big glass of Scotch during my flight so I will get the same dream." He said. I laughed and he followed me with a happy cheeky grin. "If that's the only way I could feel it, then I sure hope I get the same dream."
"Nigel.." I said..as I grabbed him by the collar. "Let's do it." I said.
I started kissing him. I really really wanted it. I really really really didn't care about anything else. I really wanted him more than the world, more than anything. He took me in his embrace with open arms, as I started unbuttoning his pants, and he was about to take off my bra.
"I love you." He said.
"I love you.." I sighed in between kisses.. "I really really love you."
All of a sudden he stopped... "Don't tease me. You're really good at this teasing business." He said. "Don't.."
"Nigel?" I looked at him confused. "I'm not teasing you. I really do love you."
"I know." He said... as he kissed my forehead. "I know." he said. "Just don't tease me about making love. I can't bear it." He said.
"I'm not." I said... "I don't care anymore. We only live once. I waited for years to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to love you. I want to be with you."
Nigel looked at me incredulously. "What happened?" He asked. "What happened to pulling an Anne Boleyn on me?"
I looked at him as my tears pooled in my eyes. The headache from the champagne reverberated quite violently right at that moment. "Don't make me change my mind." I said as I tried to kiss him again. Yet, he stopped me. I started massaging my temple, trying to find some relief from the pain in my head.
"Sabby.... what happened? Why changed now? Because of a dream?"
"You don't understand. It's not just a dream." I said. "I had never felt happier as I was in that dream." I said as I looked at him, and a single tear fell on my cheek. Nigel kissed my cheek as his thumb erased that tear.
"I tried and tried so hard my whole life to be a good person and I always ended up in misery while all the bad people who hurt me enjoyed the life that I wanted. What was supposed to be my life. Mine." I said. "I  tried so hard to be a good person throughout this trial with you." I said. "To do right by God and by your wife while the whole time I do myself wrong. I do you wrong." I said. "I want to be with you at whatever cost." I said.
Nigel smiled.. and oh he looked so handsome with that smile. "Are you serious?" He asked.
I smiled.. "You look so handsome with that smile, Nigel."
He kissed the top of my hand... "I just couldn't believe what I'm hearing." He said. "How a dream changed everything. Even your core of being.... Can it be?" He asked.
I sighed.. "I probably would regret it after it's done." I said and laughed.
"Then, I don't want it." He said. "Not if you would regret it. But I know you won't."
"Ah..confident, aren't we?"
He kissed my hand once more..."I know you won't." He said.
"Then, make love to me." I said.
"You have to be sure, Sabby." He said. "I don't want you to resent me for anything, especially not for sex."
"I don't care about sex. I want to be with you."
"It will require my penis going into your vagina, it is called sex." He said. "I love you and I want it too, making love to you.. making sex with you, but...I love you enough not to have it because I know what's deep down in your heart."
"Ah...you're impossible." I said. He laughed out loud.
"Are you just trying to get back at me??" I asked as I hit him with a pillow. "Is this pay back??" I asked. "I swear to God, Nigel! I'm dead serious about this. I can't fuckin' believe this."
He silenced me with a kiss as he pinned me down under him. He took my breath away, and as he held my hair by his hand, he looked at me...
"Be sure, baby." He said. "No regret." He said. "I want you to think about it." He said. "We waited all this time.., we need to wait until you are 100 point 0 0 percent sure."
"I am." I said. He shook his head. "You stated you might regret it afterward. Not acceptable."
"So what?"
"I won't have it." He said as he shook his head back and forth. He looked up at me quickly soon after and said.. "Hey... I really came here to kiss you good bye." He said. "I'm late for my flight.." He said.
"You can't be late for a flight even if you could have sex?" I asked. "Get lucky with me?"
"Oh..I would miss a thousand flights for it." he said. "But, I'll wait until you have absolutely no doubt." He said. "Sabby..as I said... I really came here to kiss you good bye and to tell you that when I get to New York, I will tell Marcy that I will care for her until forever but I will ask for a divorce."
"What..?" I asked doubting my hearing.
"You heard me." He said. "See...I'm sure on that. I am not doing it just because I'm madly in love with you. I am doing it because it is about time I'm getting on with my life even if you don't want to be with me." He said. "But I want you to know that's the first thing I will do when I get home."
"Yeah?" I asked in disbelief.
He smiled as he squeezed my hand. "Yeah."

I went to his embrace and I hugged him. We hugged each other tight and we drowned ourselves in each other's curves. We hugged for the longest time. He caressed my hair and it was the first time that I started to feel things are finally right. I felt less dirty. I felt less guilty. The dream started to become reality. It felt even better than the dream.

When we let go of each other, Nigel said to me... "You think about me when I'm not around, and get sure because I really want to be with you." I smiled and nodded.
"When we see each other again in a couple of weeks...things will be so much different. Count on it." He said. He whispered in my ear.."count on it."

Nigel was flying north and I was still in the south east of the world. In two weeks, I will be flying home north too to heaven to be with the man I truly love. Time to put aside doubts and guilt. Time to get sure like sun rises in the east. As sure as Kanye and Kim naming their kid North West, and no, no more south like people don't know where the South pole is whether it is hot or cold. Well, it is Antarctica so it is naturally cold. But, if you don't believe me, so be it. Doubt yourself. But no more doubt for me.

Chapter 30

I kept on looking at my reflection in the mirror... all done up, in my new Channel dress. I twirled, and I twirled. I tilted my head to the side not recognizing the reflection. I even gawked at the mirror to take a look closer. Who was that person in the mirror?

It wasn't that I didn't like what I saw. It wasn't that I was ashamed of what I had done. None of that. I just felt like I didn't recognize my own life anymore. Nothing seemed familiar anymore. I don't wear gown, or mascara. I don't wear a diamond Tiffany necklace, let alone for it to be a gift from a man who supposedly loves me. None of these that transpired today was of my doing. What happened? A new magazine, a promotion to Executive Editor, South East Asia, a gala. All those happened today. When you thought your world was already turning out of control, and now you added asteroids, global warming, tectonic slide, and maybe some acid rain on top of it.

Would it be the end, or would I survive this? I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Maybe, I would find a black hole that would suck me in to nothingness. Maybe. But, right at this moment.. I was standing in my room in a Channel dress.

I wanted to tell you all about the gala tonight. Yet, it was just another party filled with mature adults,  dressing up like it was their prom night. However, I was right smack in the middle of it all and blending right in. After all, with my complexion, dark hair, and my half Indonesian blood running through my veins, I should feel just right at home here in the neighboring Singapore. But it was suffocating. All of these should have felt exhilarating. After all, these were all good things that happened. But my head was spinning.

I haven't told any of my friends or my parents about any of these. It was the strangest thing as these were too big to be kept for myself. First person that came to mind was Vic. But then, I forgot a big detail that she just stabbed me in the back. In fact, I still have a gaping hole on my back. Even this Channel dress couldn't cover it up.  Though, I doubt she would be happy for me even if she knew. This would mean that I actually got something better than what she got. It wasn't my place to be on top in Victoria's world. It just wasn't. But even this tide is turning.

Everything was just so confusing. The compass was totally out of whacked. The world as I used to know it was no longer there. Yet, right now there's only one thing in my world that matters.. Nigel.

Despite the thunderstorm that was going on inside me; I managed to realize that I wanted to look my best in front of Nigel tonight. I curled my short hair though I knew the humidity would just kill all the efforts I put into making the hair looked somewhat dressy. I still did it. I sprayed it with tons of hairspray that I just picked up at the hotel spa. I went all out too on my make-up. Like I said, I even put on mascara. Again,  there was a small part in me that wished Vic was here helping me with all of these gala preparations. I tried to erase that thought so quick. I don't know how long it would take for me to realize that Victoria is not a friend. Not anymore. Sad thing was, though the stab wound was still there; but, half of me I knew have forgotten about it already. This is the reason why I am weak. Because I accept. Because I forgive and forget. That is why I keep bad people in my life. Forgiveness at times is not such a good virtue. Forgiveness at times is downright idiotic.

At the end, I managed to look how I wanted to look without the helping hands of Victoria Perkins. I twirled one more time. This time, admiring what I saw in the mirror. I cleaned up well. Still in the track of Pretty Woman, I thought, or should I say.. hoped, Nigel would give that look Richard Gere gave Julia Roberts when she graced the hotel bar to meet him. Not even close! Nigel and Eric were both sitting at the bar waiting for me. However, when I found them there, I was the one that was completely awestruck of how handsome they both looked. When I saw Nigel, my heart started to pound so hard and inside I screamed.."holy shit..can he look any better?! holy shit.. can I have him tonight?!" I totally forgot about checking on their reaction on me. I missed it royally. All those hard work curling my hair and putting on eyeliners, and I didn't even give it a second to gather any type of reaction after making a grand entrance. I was such a dumb ass.

Then, I shifted my attention to Eric, as you couldn't miss him even if you tried. He was standing there next to Nigel, and he looked as dapper as Cary Grant in his hey day. His hair was slicked back. He was freshly shaven and I got a soft whiff of his cologne as I came closer. He stood there straight with a perfect posture, as he held an old fashioned glass filled with bourbon on ice. Both men were wearing impeccable looking tuxedo, but I swore.. there was a moment when I laid my eyes on Eric that I felt spellbound...

"Eric?" I said with awe without realizing it. I didn't even greeted Nigel. Good thing Nigel didn't really pay any attention to it. I quickly shook off that absurdity I just experienced.

Yet, Eric smiled as he graced me with a look that was almost adoring..  "Look at you." He said. "You did well shopping with her." Eric turned to Nigel. Nigel cracked a smile that just disintegrated every strength I had to stand there on these high heels. My knees were ready to buckle as soon as I saw his smile.

Nigel! Oh my God.. Nigel. I shifted my attention to this man I love so much. I couldn't believe that for a split second, I paid more attention to the shithead Eric Phillips. I looked Nigel in the eyes as I tried to gain any type of composure.

"Do I look like a million bucks?" I asked silly.
"More like five.." Nigel said as he gave his arm to me to hold.
"Is that how much it costs?"
 Eric nodded.. "and some."

The Singaporean Prom, as I called the gala, was a great gathering of the who's who in Singapore. The who's who that I didn't know. Everyone was practically a stranger and the night was spent for the most part for meet and greet. I met some important people who work for Singapore City Magazine, or should I say...Joie Asia Pacific. These fine people would be my staff. Not every time you got to inherit a staff, and your first impression of them were they in tuxedo and gowns. It was quite an experience that actually made me chuckled. It was taking a regular business suit for an interview to the next level.

"This is some kind of a job interview." I said as I was letting a big laugh.
"Job interview?"Nigel asked.
"Well... Mr. Simon Chen and Miss Landry Hu... " I said.. "My soon to be new editorial staff, though I guess this is not a job interview, but this is essentially my first time meeting them." I said.. "And they're in tuxedo and strapless gown with a slit up to here!" as I gestured to show how high her slit was on that dress. Nigel laughed.
"I suppose it was a little unorthodox." he said.
"A little?" I asked and laughed. "Doesn't matter. It is not like it is a job interview. They're already hired no matter what. I just inherit them."
"You do what you like, Sabrina." Nigel said with an assuring look, almost like he stared me down. "If I failed to mention..Joie Asia Pacific is yours to do whatever your little heart desires." He said.
"Whatever?"
"Whatever." He said. "As long as you make us some money in return."
"Ah huh.." I said.
"Just one little caveat." He laughed.
"I'm not worried about your little caveat." I said. "As long as I won't be audited for every single move I make." I said. "You know you can't save money to make profit."
"I am 100 percent agree with you. You were not really audited to begin with, Sabby." He said. "are we still mulling over this fictitious audit?"
"A fictitious audit that you said you had no part of!" I said as I pointed a finger to his chest and poked him. He held my hand and said..
"It was a white lie." He said and smiled. "It was worth telling."
"You put me through hell because of your white lie!"
"Nothing you couldn't handle." He said. He let go of my hand as he said.. "Be careful.. we are amongst staff in the audience."
"Huh..." I said as pulled away my hand from him. "Some of these people thought I was your wife already." I said and laughed. Nigel smiled..
"I know." He said. "The Malaysian Diplomat over there, Dato Akmal Hamizan, told me I have a beautiful wife." The sound of somebody telling Nigel that I was his beautiful wife made me smile. However, that smile quickly transformed into a bitter expression of tugged lips - no longer a smile.
"Hey.." Nigel called me softly.. I looked up to meet his eyes. "Just be my wife for tonight. Let it be." He said. "Another fiction?" I asked as I gazed at him with a look that showed total hopelessness.
"Yes.." he said, almost whispering."Worth telling." I smiled softly. He squeezed another bigger smile out of me. He was really good about making me accept a grim reality and made it to be somewhat acceptable.

To tell you the truth, though I know it was not real; it did feel wonderful that there were people who thought I was with Nigel and that they thought I was his wife. It made it even harder now that I knew it felt that wonderful if it were the truth. It made it so bittersweet realizing that God gave me a chance to have a little taste of it; yet, he took the plate away.

The rest of the night was filled with more meet and greet, more empty conversations of pleasantries, and some quite exciting banters with two local chefs. I always feel at home when talking about food. This reminded me that my world will not only revolve around foods anymore. I will have several new worlds to explore and to be expert of. As Nigel pointed out, I need to make him some money.

Just one little caveat.

I danced the night away with a couple of very important men that I did not recall the names. I got their business cards that would come handy someday. I supposed I couldn't start any later. I needed to reap all the opportunities, contacts, allies, anything I could get my hands on as early as possible. The ambitious part of me was ready to give this new job everything I had. I went to work almost right away even when I didn't realize it. There was no turning back and failing was not an option. I really did everything to make tonight count for something big.

Nigel finally rescued me from my first day of work and cut in the CEO of Bank Argo. I couldn't be happier when I saw that Nigel was the one that cut in for my next dance. The band played Frank Sinatra's song, "All the Way." How inappropriate.

"When somebody loves you..it's no good unless he loves you...all the way." I was singing along as I looked him in the eyes.
"I love you all the way." He said. I shook my head and smiled.
"No.." I said.. "Happy to be near you when you need someone to cheer you..all the way.."
He chuckled a little watching me mocking him by singing the lyrics of the song.
"Believe it, baby." He said. "I am happy to be near you and you certainly cheer me with your fine crooning."
"This is your song for Marcy." I said. "Not for me." I said. "How about those good or lean year and all of those in between years?" I asked. Nigel shook his head like he meant to tell me to stop it right there and not go over the argument I was about to make. Instead, he grabbed my arm and pulled it closer to him as we were dancing cheek to cheek.  He whispered in my ear..
"If you let me love you, it's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way, my love." He said. "Just let me love you." He said. "Please let me." He said. I laid my head on his shoulder, and I tried my hardest at the moment to let him love me and forgot about reality. I tried to stop pushing things that couldn't happen as it wouldn't happen anyway even if I kept bringing it up. At that moment, I really tried to surrender. I really tried to surrender to the unknown and savor the moment as it was bestowed to me.

From where I was, I caught a glimpse of two familiar eyes watching me and Nigel. I turned towards that glance, and found Eric standing by a high boy, with several beautiful girls around him who were trying to get his attention. Yet, his eyes were fixated at me, who were inside Nigel's embrace. I saw bewilderment in his eyes. His head was off to one side. His jawline was taut as if he was clenching his teeth. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but Eric looked perplexed.

Then, it dawned on me that as I was surrendering to this moment; I totally dismissed the notion that not the whole world was with me. Not those who knew my reality. Not Eric.

I quickly asked Nigel to join Eric. However, when we made it to the vicinity of where he was before a second ago; he was no longer there.

The party went on without Eric. Nigel and I forgot about what happened to Eric after a couple more glasses of champagne. There were just enough room for two people in this universe at that moment. There was no equator dissecting the globe horizontally for West and East. There was just the Meridian that was still showing the longitude of North and South. This line would never go away from my universe I had a hunch. Even by the end of the night when the clock struck midnight, I still had no clue how it would end up. North or South. Well, no pumpkin anyway. They don't grow in the tropic quite readily. Thank goodness.