Chapter 10

Other than my four dear friends, when all fail, I can always count on my first love - cooking. Cooking is almost like a therapy for me and it is even better than any human therapists with multiple psychology degrees. It is also better than any alcohol and drugs combined. Cooking can remedy my worst pain almost like magic. I can forget just about anything when I totally submerge myself in the kitchen. I can never feel bad being in the kitchen.

My mom told me I liked being in the kitchen from very early on. I had pictures of me as a toddler in the kitchen with my mom, working on a spice blend using her pestle and mortar. I also had recollection of how I loved pounding on the spices as hard as I could to make a good paste. Some moms would think it would be dangerous to let a little girl handling a pestle and mortar; but, my mom recognized my talent even then! I vividly remember being in Bali and picking up wild hibiscus flowers. Then, my mom showed me how I could extract oil from the flowers. We would soak them in water, and then we would squeeze real hard. Next, thick gooey oily substance would ooze out. We then used the oil to play cooking using clay kitchen appliances toys. These clay pots and pans were very traditional toys for little kids in Bali and Java Islands of Indonesia. They didn't have easy-bake oven and the sort back then. They weren't really toys because they actually were very functional. These thoughts were my oldest recollections of cooking and being in the "kitchen." I remember how fun it was and how I used to have such a blast playing.

Thinking about those old cooking memories brought a smile to my face. I didn't know why when I opened my eyes this morning, the first thing I thought of was cooking. Guess what? That would be just what I was going to do. I would forget about anything that wear heavy in my heart and set them aside. I would just cook my heart out today.

Well, Emma and John's little girl, Laurel, would be celebrating her fourth birthday exactly tomorrow. Emma has been planning a lavish party for Laurel for weeks now. I couldn't wait to see her hard work coming to life tomorrow. Emma asked me sometime ago about making the birthday cake. Frankly, I forgot but what a great project it would make for today!

I called Emma immediately..

"Hello.." That wasn't Emma..
"John!" I said. "You're not Emma." I said.
"I'm her husband." He said and laughed. "Her cell happened to be by me and it's ringing at 7 AM."
"Hahaha..sorry for calling so early." I said. "Did I wake you?"
"No...I was just trying to get some sleep. I just got home. I was at the hospital all night."
"Oh! My bad." I said. "Emma usually is up already this time of day..thus why.."
"I know, Sabrina. You don't have to feel bad." John chuckled. "I wasn't sleeping yet. Hold on..let me give this to her."

Not long I heard the familiar chirping of Emma's voice complete with her slight English accent.

"Yes, Sabby?"
"Em! what cake am I making?" I asked.
"You're talking about Laurel's birthday cake, are you not?"
"Yes! what else?"
"The day before the party you want to know what cake you are making?"
"I know..I know." I said feeling bad. It was really last minute on my part. "I've been so busy. I apologize for not checking sooner."
"Sabrina, I have ordered a cake!" Emma said.
"What?? How could you order a cake? From whom?!"
"From a local bakery close by here, Labriola."
"Emma....why did you do that?"
"Well...because!" She said. "You never confirmed. I had to get it done. It would be a disaster if my baby wouldn't have a birthday cake. She wanted a pink fairy cake."
"Oh...geez..." I said. "You bought a cake? Seriously?"
"Yes." She said. "I've been busy too. I figured if you didn't commit you're too busy and that's fine. I didn't want to impose."
"But you're not. Why didn't you pick up the phone and call?"
"Again, just because I am not working, does not mean I have all the time in the world! Oh, I've been so busy preparing for this party. So much shopping to do - getting Laurel's dress, shoes, and all the favor bags I'm preparing, and catering, and the cake, and decorations, and the stupid magician that I was going to hire was just getting on my last nerve!"
"Oh my... what are you going to do for Laurel's sweet sixteen party?"
"Oh...I have twelve years to think about that." Emma said. "First thing first."
"I'm being facetious." I said.
"Well, I'm not!" She said.

There it went my project, out the window.  Yet, it didn't stop me. I wanted to cook and I would do exactly that.Got to the office on time and I changed into my kitchen gear. I felt great already being in my chef garb. I may have looked great the other day all done up; however, chef coat, apron, and clogs are me. It couldn't get anymore natural than that for me.

Jenna and Gray, my other Research Chef, were already busy prepping for dishes to be photographed for today. We were working for Spring menu and Easter theme dishes. They were astonished to see me ready for war in the kitchen. Of course I didn't have much ingredients to work with since I didn't procure anything the night before. Thinking fast, I came up with four quick menu items for an indoor picnic luncheon. I already pictured the set - in a big loft apartment, a spread on the concrete floor. We could do it so easily in our studio next door. We had a cool set in this studio - exposed brick wall, concrete floor, big windows, wood beams...it would be just perfect with little tweaking.

I was making a shaved fennel and arugula salad with citrus dressing when I heard people were walking in.

"Hey hey...Sabby." Mh....sounded like the boss. I turned around expecting Jordan checking up on me.
"Hey J.." I said as I turned my neck to greet him. Yet, I found something unexpected in my horizon.

Nigel.

My mouth gaped a little, digesting who just entered my day. Nigel was behind Jordan and he and his eyes smiled immediately when our eyes met. My heart just melted. It just melted as soon as I laid my eyes on those green eyes of Nigel Gallagher. I quickly returned the smile and tried not to be too obvious though my heart was leaping out of my chest!

"Hello Sabrina." Nigel said friendly.
"Hi Nigel..." I said. "You're still in town." I said.
"I am.." He said. "I'm leaving on Sunday, as a matter of fact." He said.
"Yeah, he's staying put for Laurel's birthday party tomorrow." Jordan said. "Aren't you making the cake?"
Nigel's coming tomorrow? Oh my God! Oh, God. Oh good God. Oh good God get a grip, girl!
"Oh, wonderful." Nigel said. "Sabrina is making the cake?" Nigel asked Jordan. Jordan nodded and smiled.
"Actually I'm not." I said and smiled.
"No?" Jordan asked confused.
"No." I said. "Your sister ordered one from a local bakery by her. She said I didn't confirm soon enough and she didn't have time to chase me. So she just ordered one."
"Oh..Emma can be so impatient." Jordan said.
"Well, she's a busy mother of two." I said. "She had to get things done." I laughed.
"That's too bad." Nigel said. "Your cupcake the other day, was terrific. Spot on for Valentine's Day."
I smiled from ear  to ear.
"Was it, Nigel?" Jordan asked. "I didn't get to taste that."
"You weren't here." I said. "It was really good. Jenna did a good job. Besides, it was pink." I said.
"Ugh." Jordan muttered. "I have a feeling I will have plenty of pink to eat this weekend." I laughed.
"Oh yes.." I said. "You will. We all will." All of us laughed thinking about spending a Saturday in a kiddie party filled with pink dresses, pink cakes, and pink balloons.
"What are you making now?" Jordan asked. "You're done with Valentine's right?"
"Oh, if it were up to me, I would be done before I begin." I said. "It's done." I said. "I'm making fresh shaved fennel and arugula salad." I said. "I'm making a spread for indoor Spring picnic in Chicago."
"Indoor picnic?" Nigel asked.
"Hahah yeah...can't have picnic soon enough. It doesn't always have to be outside. All you need is some sunshine." I said. "I'm also making marinated artichoke and grilled chicken melt with ramp, arrow head chips, and apricot cobbler."
"Sounds great." Jordan said. "Sounds very seasonal."
"Yep." I said. "Surprisingly I get all the ingredients in the pantry." I laughed. "I'm almost done...I said. Will set these food next door in studio D. You guys want to join me for lunch?"I asked. That was a long shot. Surely they were busy.
"I can't." Jordan said. "I trust you, Sab. It'll be great. Just show me the shots." I nodded. I figured they wouldn't be able to join me.
"I'll join you." Nigel said. "I'm hungry." He smiled. My heart just left my body. I was dead for a little while. When the heart decided to return back to my chest cavity, I realized Nigel took me up on my lunch offer. I tried my best to cover my surprise. I was damn elated and ecstatic. What?!! Lunch with Nigel. No, not just lunch. It would be a picnic with Nigel!
"Only if you don't mind, Miss. Gilmour." Nigel said.
"Of course she doesn't." Jordan said. "You're welcome anytime. Any of these food are yours, practically."
I nodded and laughed. Nigel tilted his head, still looking for my acceptance without giving Jordan any heed.
"Jordan couldn't put it any better." I said. "It would be my honor if you would join me for some indoor picnic."
"Excellent." He said.
"Let's say 11:45?" I asked. "Studio D?"
"It's a date."

Did he just say it was a date? Oh Jesus, please help me. Give me some ventolin, seretide, singulair because I couldn't breathe. Oh, this would be how emphysema or asthma would feel. I just couldn't breathe. I needed a huge oxygen tank. As soon as they left my kitchen, I really did hyperventilated. If I were a dog, my tongue would be out of my mouth, panting like crazy.

As soon as I got my composure and realizing what was happening, I really couldn't stop smiling. The prospect of spending an hour or two with Nigel was creating so many different nuances of emotions within me. I was super excited I couldn't contain it. I didn't even think about what Victoria would say. I didn't care about what Roberta would think. I simply didn't think about any of it. I just focused on getting my food done as perfect as possible, coordinating with my staff for the picnic set up and the test shoot, and changing! I had less than two hours in making sure everything would be perfect. Goodness gracious, save me!

I felt a tremendous excitement and pressure like I couldn't believe. My stomach was so upset from the anticipation. It was too much. Oh, if only I blew this whole thing, it would be just great. No, it couldn't be. This time, things couldn't go south. It just couldn't.

Oh my - I couldn't wait until 11:45!! Can you believe it? It's Nigel. It's really Nigel! I heard music instantly playing in my head. My heart was filled with sweet melodies, and wonderful roses. Everything was in bloom. Garden of Eden was blossoming inside of me. It didn't feel like South of Heaven for once. It felt like I died and I actually went to heaven.

Yet, I could hear my heart beat so fast and loud. If I were strapped to a heart rate monitor, it would show that I was very much alive. Maybe this was what they called having the best of both worlds.

Chapter 9

I'm from New York State. I should be into New York style pizza, hot dogs, even knish. Well, don't get me wrong - of course, I love all those. There isn't much that I don't like or won't eat. I know I won't eat cats, dogs, rats, and squirrels. However, I am up for everything else. However, you could surely mistaken me being a Southern belle. I love Southern style cooking - from soul food, barbecue, Cajun, and everything from the American South. I'm not sure how I got the affinity for it; but, I just really love it. Whenever I feel down, I always look for some good ol' country cooking. It's quite hard to find a good place in Chicago for this type of food. However, Table Fifty-Two is definitely one of my favorites here.

Table Fifty-Two is known better as Art Smith's restaurant. Yes, he is popularly referred as Oprah Winfrey's Chef and he was also on Top Chef Masters. He went pretty far but got beaten by I think, Rick Bayless, another Chicago Chef. Too bad because if I were the judge on Top Chef Masters, I would have chosen Art over Rick.

I felt better already knowing that some cheesy grits and bacon jalapeno cornbread would be coming shortly. I was thinking about the food all the way to the restaurant. Well, I do live and breathe food. It's who I am. It's everything I am. So, no - it's not weird that I look forward to lunch right after eating breakfast. It is not weird that imagining succulent corn bread made me happy. It is not weird that I at times get more satisfaction from eating than having sex. There is such thing as foodgasm. Believe me. Oh, it does exist. My first dinner at the Fat Duck of Heston Blumenthal in London was a pure foodgasm. I couldn't even tell you how crazy of a climax it was eating at Noma in Copenhagen. It was a climax as a climax should be. There was nothing underwhelming about the food. I remember when I put the brown cheese and sloe berry in my mouth, I really wanted to do what Meg Ryan did in "When Harry Met Sally."

Though to tell you the truth, though I love foodgasm, I really could use the regular big O. Preferably not self inflicted either and that a special type of magic wand is being utilized as the happy ending handler. I really needed to stop lusting over Nigel. I just couldn't help myself. He was the only person that was on my mind all day from the moment I woke up this morning. I really could tell him the cheesiest pick up line of "You must be tired, cuz you have been running through my mind all day." I tried to stop thinking about him for maybe five minutes after listening to Victoria chewing my ass about the possibility that my bad day was caused by perhaps that I did something stupid with Nigel. How absurd. If I did something stupid with Nigel, I had a hunch it would be something real good. I might feel bad the next day but at the time, I knew I'd be in heaven.

How come Vic could think I would have a sad long face because I did something bad with Nigel? That was really peculiar now that it occurred to me. Did she think Nigel would have had turn me down? Oh! How could she think that?! She probably really didn't think Nigel Gallagher would go for me. I would have to ask her that at dinner.

Mh...even thinking about the food in Europe did not change my craving for Table Fifty-Two. Xandra was from Dallas, Texas. Now, she loves to eat but she really loves good fried chicken dinner and some sweet tea. I love eating with Xandra. She can put it away and she's the least picky out of all my friends. Eating with Bobbie I would not be satiated. Eating with Vic...mh, it depends on the day. Vic hardly eats anything. Emma loves to eat and she's kind of moderate in the scale. She only likes snob food. I really can't take her eating at hole in the wall restaurants. Xandra on the other hand, she even likes buffet. Euww, I know, realizing how usually buffet is set up. Xandra didn't care though. When it comes to feeding, my friend Xandra is like the honey badger. She's hungry. She doesn't care. She doesn't give a shit.

Vic and Xandra were already enjoying some cocktails at our secluded table on the second floor. The restaurant was quite small but we got a nook to one side and it gave us a tiny bit of extra privacy. I loved the sage green decor. Sage green is one of my favorite colors.

"What took  you so long?!" Vic said.
"Oh! Sorry. I drove today." I said. "Gotta walk to  the parking garage, and drove here and parked the damn thing." I said.
"You drove?" Xandra asked.
"Yeah..well, I didn't wanna brave it on these heels."
"You need to quit complaining about the heels, Sabrina. Those heels look hot on you." Vic said as she was eyeing the shoes.
"I know." I smiled. "I love how they made my legs looked super long." I said.
"You could be a model, Sabrina." Xandra said. "You're super pretty when you applied yourself."
"Why, thanks." I said and rolled my eyes. I usually am not pretty in the eyes of these two fashionistas. I grabbed her glass and took a sip. "What was that?"
"Sweetheart." Xandra said.
"Ugh..like the candy?"
"Yeah...Valentine's Day is coming."
"Ugh....Good God." I said. "Don't even go there." I said.
"We could have used her for our shot today." Vic said. "That Giambattista dress!" Vic said.
"Oh!" Xandra gasped. "I couldn't find one model to look good in it." Xandra said.
"Give it to me." I said. "Really? I would look good in it?"
"Yeah. I think you would." Vic said
"Can I have it?" I asked. Vic laughed. "Maybe...but it won't look good with an apron."
"I'll rock it." I said and laughed. "So tired..." I said. "Oh...and before I left, Eric Phillips was looking for me. He snuck up behind me, out of nowhere. He scared the hell out of me."
"Whaaaat?"
"I just jumped and screamed, cuz he startled me." I laughed.
"Oh that guy." Vic smirked. "What did he want from you?"
"No idea. He said it could wait. So I said then it waits."
"Who's Eric Phillips?" Xandra asked.
"The hottie CFO of SGE" Vic said. "He's real easy on the eyes." Vic said as she was smiling and obviously had Eric in her mind. Eric Phillips is definitely the hottie CFO of Stearns Gallagher Enterprises.
"Have you slept with him, Vic?" I asked, curious. "From the look of you, I had a hunch you had. If he's not married. Is he married?"
"Eric? Oh, heavens no." Vic said.
"No what?" I asked.
"No, I have not slept with him, and No, he's not married. Besides, if I did, you would know."
"Oh good!" I said. "Cuz if he was married, that poor wife of his."
"Why poor wife of his? Not lucky wife of his?" Vic asked confused. "He's handsome and loaded."
"I just imagined him being totally high maintenance and I can't see him being satisfied with one woman." I said. Vic smirked. "Wow, who's judgmental now?"
I exhaled. "I know. I told that to myself just now." I said. "Well, he had every single girl at work giving him the gooch eye."
"Well, but that's not his fault he's hot."
"No...but I hate guys that know that they're hot." I said. "He had that aura about him."
"He's a nice guy." Vic said. "But, yeah...I agree. He can get any girl he wants. It'll be hard to feel secure being with that guy if you want to be the only woman in his heart."
"Won't be your problem, Vic." Xandra said and laughed. "What stops you from jumping his bone?" Vic gracefully turned her pretty head towards Xandra.
"Alexandra!" She said. "I happen to look for love too, you know."
"Oh." Xandra said sarcastically. "Could've fooled me."
"Me second." I said and laughed.
"I always had a good intention when I dated a guy hoping that it would become something meaningful."
"Yeah, except that good intention isn't the only thing that counts on this case." I said.
"Hahaha...yeah, you actually had to give it a chance and not just judge a guy based on how he performs in bed."
Vic shook her head. "I'm shocked!" She said. "I thought you two know me well. You're just my bffs for pete's sake."
"Of course we knew you well." I laughed. "You're just in denial that you use men solely for sex."
"Well, I'm not." She said. "That's what they're good for. Because when you gave them your heart, what do they do to you? Sabrina, you should know."
I pursed my lips, knowing it all to well.
"Yeah...look who's talking now?" Vic said. "Is it better that you make love out of love and get your heart broken royally; or, you participate on the cycle, except you're in control and you're the one who do the breaking heart part?"
"I don't know." I said as I mused. "It sure was  nice when you made love with someone and you were utterly and totally in love with him." I said.
Vic was quiet too. Her eyes looked afar outside the window. I could almost see pain in those big sparkly eyes of hers. In fact, it was pure pain in Victoria's eyes.
She then said..."Yes, I really forgot how that felt." She looked down and ate a piece of biscuit. She ate a biscuit. That's carb.
"I don't think you did." I said. Vic turned to see me and smiled curtly.
"I did forget." She said."Anyway, Eric actually asked me a couple of times about you."
"About me? What did he want to know? My food budget? I had to eat in expensive restaurants at times." I said. "I have a job to do."
Vic laughed. "No, he never asked me about your budget."
"So what did he ask?" Xandra said.
"Uh, just little thing...like where's Sabrina today, or what's Sabrina making today." Vic said. "Little things but it made me wonder at times since he seems to pay attention to what you are up to."
"Huh, I would not know." I said.
"Well, Sab...unless you're interested in the guy, you are so oblivious to people around you, especially men." Vic said.
"That, I agree." Xandra said. "Like that guy over there." Xandra said pointing her chin towards a gentleman across the room from us eating dinner with another male, perhaps an associate. "He's been taking a glance at your several times now. Sure you didn't notice."
"What guy?" I asked.
"Case in point!" Vic said and laughed.
"Ah, of course he is looking at you or Xandra."
"Oh no, honey." Xandra said. "I know exactly when a guy is looking at me."
"Me too." Vic said. "I have sixth and seventh sense when it comes to that."
"He's looking at you." Xandra said. "You couldn't even tell. You need to be a lot more cognizant of these things, Sab. Make eye contact! I don't know how many times I told you that."
"Uh...... I'm not interested anyway." I said. "I am not in the mood to pick up or being picked up. What am I gonna do with it anyway?"
"It?"Vic laughed. "Are you talking about the man or the penis?"
"If it's the man, take him home and have fun with him. If it's the penis, I think you know what to do with it. At least, I sure hell hope so." Vic said.
"I just want Nigel." I said as I stared at my water glass. "Just him."
"Honey, if you got what you want, you would feel a lot worse in the morning than if you would just have a one night stand with that guy."
I exhaled quite hard. "For all we know that guy could be married too."
"Why don't you find out?" Vic said. "You don't have to sleep with him. But who knows! He might be a great guy."
I shook my head. "Nuh. Not tonight." I said.
"Stubborn ass girl." Vic said.
"Hey, back to Eric." Xandra tried to change the subject. "How come you didn't go for him, Vic?" Vic was thinking..
"Huh?" She said. "Eric? I don't know. No chemistry. Whenever he's around me, though I think he's more than tantalizing, but there's just no pull." Vic said. "Besides, I don't think he's attracted to me. Never  got that vibe from him."
"And here's Sabrina painting a picture that he will hit anything that moves."
"It's just my take on him." I said. "He just seems to be a player."I said. "I just didn't care for him. He's the type that will take your heart in a heartbeat and stomp on it."
"Too bad then Vic." Xandra said. "Wish you could take his heart and stomp on it."
"He doesn't go for anyone prettier than him." Vic said.

I never said Victoria didn't have self esteem. She is beautiful and she knows it too. Just like Eric. They could have been the perfect couple. They could out-stage each other daily. She may talk big about breaking hearts, going on dates like the slut of the town; however, in reality, I think Victoria is lonely. She always tries hard to convince all of us that she doesn't need love. I saw that look on her eyes today when I talked about making love out of love. Her mouth could lie, but her eyes couldn't.

At times, we called ourselves "The Famous Five" from childhood mystery book series that Emma and Roberta used to read when they were young written by British Author, Enid Blyton. There's nothing cool about the name, and there was no special reason why we refer to ourselves as that. It just sort of happened. We're definitely not famous either. Well, we have names. Many people know of us. However, famous? Hardly. My mom also loved those books but she read those books in Indonesian. She read me some of them and I vaguely remembered it. However, in Indonesian, the five bunch was translated into two words that meant just five friends. I liked that better.

But out of the five friends, only Roberta and Emma are in a relationship. Xandra, Vic, and I are on the prowl. How I wish Roberta would be single too. Not that I wished she would become single again. However, I think it would be more fun to go out with her men hunting than with Vic and Xandra. Vic and Xandra are so confident with men. Vic is always out for blood. She is never afraid getting hurt because she will do the hurting part. Xandra is another story. She's one of the warmest friends I have; but she can turn into an ice queen so easily. Anyone crosses her line, she can just turn it off and you're cut.  I am on the other hand, I'm not very confident when it comes to men. I always second guess myself. I always worry about making the right move or saying the right words. Plus, I am so afraid of getting hurt. Out of the bunch, I'm the only one who keeps getting heartache after heartache. All my friends seem to always help me nurse my wound.

It has been a long time since Vic and Xandra cried for help about the matter of the heart. Roberta is having a blast with Sam. She complained here and there, but nothing big. Emma always flaunts her happiness with John to a point you just want to tell her, "shut up, bitch."

When it comes to me - I am the one who is so scared getting hurt, but I always take chances. However, almost as sure as tax day on April 15th, I get my heart broken. They all say I am too nice and nice girl finish last. It has been proven true. However, I just couldn't turn myself into Victoria. I couldn't turn myself into ice cold like Xandra. I have never been able to draw a vivid boundaries with people I care about like Roberta. I let them crossed it and then the bullet hits.

I know Vic, Xandra, and Roberta were hard on me thus far about Nigel because they didn't want to see me get hurt again. They probably were all exasperated by my choice in men. However, to tell you the thruth, I really thought I went for the nice guys. I thought I surely did target the nice guy. Even, Nigel - yes, he's a married man. However, if you took that out of the equation, you would find a guy that's just kind, sweet, with smiley eyes, and that he would treat you like a queen.

"Snap out of it!" Vic said as she hit the table with her fist. It really snapped me back into reality.
"Foods are here!" She said and smiled.

Dinner was so marvelous. It was super great. The bacon jalapeno cornbread with honey butter was so tasty. I had one of Xandra's fried chickens and mac and cheese as well. My cornmeal crusted catfish was so yummy. It just hit the spot.

Vic kept on texting throughout the dinner. She was busy fiddling with her phone, texting a guy obviously, and then she cracked a big smile every time she got another text. We were nosy asking who. However, she was really secretive about it and just dismissed us. She said nobody we would know. Xandra wasn't too interested as she knows those guys are a dime a dozen when it comes to Victoria.

Some of you wanted a climax. Nice. I haven't had a climax in a very long time and I had to produce one? The climax to me tonight as well as for Victoria was the pecan pie. The sweet caramelized pecan nestled in the flaky pie crust, with whipped cream to one side, and vanilla bean ice cream. It was hot, and melting, and ever so creamy. When it entered your pie hole, it did its work like it should - creating all kinds of sweet pleasing sensations that made you wanting to moan.

"Mhhhhhhhhh........" Xandra closed her eyes as she let out a moan.
"Ohhhh...that's so goood." Vic said ever so softly, almost in wither "Oh..God."
"Oh yeah.....Oh yeah! I love it....oh..." I said trying to finish the last bite.
"Ahhhh." Vic said again. "Whewww! That's amazing." She shook her head trying to live up the pleasure she just experienced.

Did I say dinner was marvelous? It was! It gave  a great ending to an awful day. Now, it's time for me to head south. Homebound.

Chapter 8

Daydreams are a writer's best friend. So many ideas and random thoughts shuffle through your brain as you daydream. That is when you let your mind go in auto pilot. You will be surprised what you might think of. I'm a dreamer. Always have, and always will. I dream in my sleep vividly, and I daydream constantly. I wouldn't be able to come up with things to write about if I have never let my mind wander aimlessly. I often think that the bridge of my nose is a path to my brain going towards the endless world of imagination. It is literally a bridge to nowhere.

So many things swirling through my head. I was still motionless in front of my office window. I was so enthralled in my thoughts that I didn't feel the throbbing pain on both of my feet. The shoes weren't exactly comfortable. Not to me. I really couldn't figure out how Vic and Xandra could run around and be on heels all day. For the life of me, wearing heels today was pure torture. Yet, it wasn't the most torturous thing I felt all day. Waiting was even worse than wearing heels all day. Wait, there's something even worse than waiting. Having waited for hours and what you were waiting for never come...was definitely and indisputably the worst thing that could happen to me today. Oy vey!

Talking about Oy vey - there's a brand of Kosher meat marinades called "Soy Vey." How clever! They are pretty good as well. I tried their Teriyaki marinade before and it was pretty tasty. Yeah, I went on a little tangent there. I have warned you however that this brain of mine often wanders tirelessly. It went from the actual pain I felt in my chest, to my throbbing feet, to the pain of waiting, to screaming oy vey that means "oh pain" in Yiddish, to a Kosher Teriyaki soy seasoning blend. I am brilliant.

I had to cancel late night coffee with Bobbie tonight. I didn't feel like coffee at midnight as usual. I did not want to prolong the day whatsoever. Good thing she didn't care and said it would be really late if she could come over anyway. 

Back to my daydreams, I literally could waste hours sitting still and just spending the time thinking, musing, daydreaming, ruminating, cogitating, pondering...  I could go on and on.

Saved by the bell! My iphone started ringing and it woke me up from my daydream. I grabbed it and it was Vic wanting to facetime. When the connection was established, I saw two familiar smiling faces.

"Hiiiiiiiiii" Xandra said.
"Hi." I said short with a long face.
"Oh." Vic said in shocked. "What was that?!" She said.
"I think she just said 'hi.'" Xandra said as she imitated me, complete with a pouty face.
"Don't make fun of me, Xandra." I said. "I'm having a bad day."
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Xandra said.
"Yeah..seriously." Vic said. "What the hell is wrong, Sab? You didn't do anything stupid, did you?" Vic asked.
"Why you said that?" I asked.
"Uhhh...I just had a bad feeling. I mean look at you. You dressed up! But,  I knew you didn't dress up for nothing."
"Yeah, I was just gonna say, Sabby." Xandra added. "You definitely dressed to impress today! I haven't seen you in this much make up, forever! I mean, sweetheart - you're done up!" Xandra said.
"Yeah..yeah." I said. I lifted my feet to the phone so they could see my shoes
"Look." I said.
"Ah hahahaha..." they both laughed. "I remember those!" Vic said about my shoes.
"You better remember it." I said.
"Of course!" Vic said. "I love those!"
"These are weapon of mass destruction." I said. "My feet are killing me."
"Oh jeez. If only they had my size. I just couldn't let you pass it up." Vic said. "Such a great deal and they looked phenomenal on you!"
"They did look great on me, Vic. I give you that." I said.
"I like shoes as much as the next girl, but I could give a rat's ass about that right now. What is wrong, Sab? Seriously?"
"Uh...nothing is wrong. I was just bummed."
"Sab look at me." Vic said. So I looked at her. I tilted my head and looked at her, uninterested.
"Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid with Nigel. Please..please..say it ain't so."
 I let them be in suspense for a little bit. Vic was twitching. Xandra was puzzled. I felt sorry for them so then I finally said..
 "No...of course not. He wasn't even here."
"Ohh?" Vic said surprised.
"Yes, Vic. I actually put some effort into looking decent and the bastard didn't even show."
I thought they would laugh at me. Yet, they didn't. I was so surprised that they actually were being good friends and not pour salt on my open wound.
"Oh, Sabby." Vic said. "Don't be sad." She said.
"I'm not sad." I said pouting.
"Yes, you are." Vic said.
"You're disappointed." Xandra said.
"Yes, thank you, Xandra. I am."
"Sweetie, you look great today. You should look great like that every day. You should look great for yourself, and not for Nigel. Not for any guy." Vic said.
I exhaled loud. "Uuuuuhhh...Vic." I said.
"I know..I know. You don't want to hear it."Vic said.
"You got that right. I don't." I said. "I can't believe he wasn't in the office at all today. I could swear I thought he said he would be in."
"Sab, come on. We talked about this. If you really didn't have any intention of making things happen with Nigel, why are you doing this? Come on." Vic said. "What are you doing?? Sabby..he's married. Don't go there."
"I..." I said. "I'm not trying to do anything than to just look pretty." I said and slouched. "That's all." I said. "I just wanted to look pretty in front of him."
"It's not all." Vic said. "That is not all."
I started shaking my head frustrated.
"Hey... come out with us." Xandra said. "Come on, let's eat."
"I can't hear any more judgmental nag from Vic tonight." I said. "I can't...I can't."
"Judgmental??" Vic said. "Sabby, get off your high heels already." Vic said. "You knew what you're doing and you created this shit for yourself."
I started laughing. It was funny when she told me to get off my high heels. All of a sudden we were all laughing.
"Oh..you guys." I said as I laughed. "I knew I could always laugh with you. Though I really feel like throwing these shoes to Vic right now."
"hahaha....you love me, and you know it. You just hate knowing that I'm right."
"Yeah...yeah..yeah." I said and rolled my eyes. "I didn't know you are together today." I said.
"Yeah, we just finished one part today. More tomorrow." Xandra said.
"Where were you guys?"
"Milwaukee. At the Art Museum there." Xandra said.
"More in Milwaukee tomorrow?"
"Hell no." Vic said. "I would have stayed overnight if it was the case. We're almost back in the city already. Going to get dinner. Thus why we called you to see if you want to join us."
"Where? Can we go to Table Fifty-Two?"
"Oh, listen to her. We invited her but she's telling us where to go." Vic said.
"But she is the Food Guru. Besides, she's having a bad day." Xandra said. "Table Fifty-Two sounds great. I'm getting me some fried chicken and mac and cheese."
"Good lord." Vic said.
"You can get some acidic collard green, Vic." I said. "Perfect for your tongue."
"Bite me." Vic said and laughed.
"Come on, Victoria...please?! I'm having a bad day and I just really want some Southern comfort food. I want some fried cat fish and shrimp and grits, perhaps beignets, or pecan pie."
"Ohhh, pecan pie." Vic said and smiled big. I laughed.
"I knew that would do the trick." Vic nodded.

Getting dinner plan underway helped to cheer up my mood a bit. When all has failed, I can always count on food to save the day. I freshened up a bit before bolting out the door. As I was hurrying to leave the office, I ran right smacked onto someone. I didn't see anyone behind me as I closed my office door. I actually screamed a little because I was surprised.

"Ahhhh!!!" I said.
"Oh.." The guy said. "I'm sorry..I'm sorry." He said as he caught my hands. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Oh, Eric!" I said relieved as I was still massaging my chest from being startled.
Eric Phillips, our Chief Financial Officer, whom I usually don't see very often around the office, was all of a sudden standing in front of me. He cracked a smile and said..
"Are you okay, Sabrina?"
"Hahaha..you came out of nowhere." I said.
"Well, I was actually coming to see you." He said. "But you were in a hurry it seems like. I really didn't mean to startle you. I thought you saw me coming."
"No...I didn't." I said. "I'm so sorry..I was preoccupied." He smiled. Mh..Eric actually had a nice smile. I never really paid attention before. Well but then, I never usually paid attention to coworkers, especially the married ones. Yes, I knew I really I didn't have legs to stand on making such statement. Let's put it this way - I never paid attention to married coworkers until Nigel Gallagher. I really didn't know if Eric was married or not. I just never paid attention to him period. Usually a guy like him would be married and cheating on his wife. Or, he would be the eternal bachelor accessorized with a different blond every night. He's just very dapper. He's well dressed, perfect sleeves buttoned with matching cuff links, perfect teeth, inviting smiles. He's got perfect features. He's the equivalent of Victoria in male form. Surprisingly, he's in the most boring part of the business. He handles our financial. I couldn't imagine how boring it would be dealing with Assets, Liabilities, Current Ratio, and the sorts.

I usually would have paid attention to a handsome guy as much as the next chick. However, I work with this guy, and for some reasons, I have formed an opinion about Eric Phillips that he's just another corporate jackass. Surprisingly however, his smile seemed so genuine tonight. I felt a little guilt swirling through my startled chest. I was calling Vic judgmental earlier. I didn't know anything about Eric Phillips to be forming a negative opinion about him. He has never really done anything wrong to me.

"Sabrina..?" Eric said.
"Oh..yeah... uh... is it important? Mh..the thing you want to see me about?"
"It can wait. I should be in tomorrow. We can pick it up tomorrow if you need to run." Eric said.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Absolutely."he confirmed. "I didn't think you would still be around. I was just giving it a shot to see if I would catch you."
"And you did." I said and laughed.
He cracked another beautiful smile. "Seriously, it can wait till tomorrow." He said. "I don't want to ruin your night." He said.
"Oh...is that so? Ruin my night how? What did you want to discuss?"
He really laughed now. "Ruin your night by keeping you here instead of letting you to get where you need to be." Eric said.
"Oh." I said and exhaled. He laughed at me.
"A little paranoid, there Sabrina?" I just laughed silly.
"It's been a long day, Eric. Let's just put it that way. I had a lot on my mind."
"Well, go on then. Come see me tomorrow when you have a chance."
"Will do. Have a good night." I said as I started walking away.
"You too." He said. "Be careful now."

I really wondered now what he wanted to talk to me about. Hopefully nothing bad. He probably wanted to talk about budget. I really didn't know. I felt so silly being startled like that. I screamed like a little girl seeing the boogie man, except the boogie man was a gorgeous accountant dressed in Italian tailored suit.

Hey, I actually had to go North on Michigan Avenue to get to Table Fifty-Two, and then head West on Division Street. I didn't have to go South this time. Well, eventually I would be going South to go home. I always head South at the end of the day. It's no surprise if everything else would too.

Chapter 7

Okay. The clock struck 6. It was dark as dark could be outside. It was the glory of winter when 6 PM felt like midnight. The working day was already over. I stood by my office window, watching the commotion outside. There was life out there - people walking, running, talking. There were cars honking, cabs trying to catch fares, and bicycles swirling. Yet, inside me, I felt like life has departed. The cool air from the dead winter of Chicago sent chills to my very bones. The simple air I breathed out left condensation on the glass window. All looked a little blurry now as I kept on staring blank to the world out there.

He didn't come today. Nigel didn't grace my day with his presence.

I woke up  this morning super early - not because the usual obnoxious ring tone of my phone alarm that would ring as sure as day every day; but, it was because I felt this numbing pain on my kinked neck. I found myself laying face down on the couch. I had my glasses crooked on my face to one side, my arms flailing all over, one leg on the couch and one on the floor. It was a pretty sight. I didn't even wash my face last night. Great, here come the zits. I would surely break out. Though my skin has never been the super sensitive type; yet, if I failed to wash my face, little zits would form happily without request. I hate those little zits. I would always pop them as soon as I could pop them. My mom used to always yell at me saying that I would make it worse by popping it. Uh, ma...I couldn't stand looking at those zits unpopped. So sorry for never listening to you on that matter, ma. Only for the zits business though! I usually always try to listen to what my mama has to say because she never stirs me wrong.

I couldn't believe that I fell asleep on the couch last night. I must have been so tired from all the "research" I had done last night.  Sigh. What a waste of time.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized I had the computer keys impressions on my cheek. I swear I got squares resembling part of the keyboard on my right cheek. Great! The morning has started on the left foot for sure. I remedied it with brewing some coffee. It was actually early enough and I had enough time to make coffee at home for myself. I decided to brew the rest of what was left in the Havana coffee bag that Roberta gave me two months ago. She went to New Zealand over the holidays for a photography trip with Xandra. Roberta brought me two bags of super delicious coffee beans. Xandra brought me two bracelets. We always bring things back for one another in pairs. I usually always get coffee and bracelets as those are what I love. It was very rarely in the past that my friends would bring me things other than coffee and bracelets.  They knew better anyway and it made things simple for all of us for knowing the fail safe of what to bring back from vacation.

When I was sipping that thick coffee, it just felt heavenly. I felt sparkles of energy spewing inside me. I was ready to tackle the world. Those sparkles are usually called caffeine by the way. I was singing the song "Honey Honey" from Mama Mia as I danced around my apartment like an idiot. It was the upside of living alone. I could act like a complete lunatic and nobody would protest.

"Honey honey..how he thrills me..uh huh..Honey...Honey... ah ah ah huuuuuu..."

I jumped in the shower. I washed my hair and shaved my legs, soaped my entire body and did a quick sugar scrubs.

"Honey honey..nearly kills me..uh huh..Honey..honey."

I dried my short hair, put some mousse, and did my best to style it. I put make up on - foundation and all, lipstick, mascara, and the whole shebang.

"I heard about him before...I wanted to know some more.."

I looked through my closet and tried five different outfits before I settled on a pencil skirt and a thin satin black top with a little plunging neckline. I grabbed a red cashmere sweater that Xandra gave me for Christmas - just in case.

"And now I know what they mean, he's a love machine..Oh, he makes me dizzy!!!"

I put on my modest yet sexy Stuart Weitzman pump that Vic pressured me into buying. I still remember her nonchalant yet manipulative rant on the shoes.

"Come on, Sabby. It's on sale. 40 percent off. It's only 200 dollars now. What..it's practically Payless Shoes price. Do we have to wait for BOGO?"

I was actually shocked she knew what BOGO was. However, listening to my friend belittling me about waiting for Stuart Weitzman going Buy One Get One Free was even embarrassing for me. Yet, I do believe things happened for a reason and thank God I bought these nice platform pumps because boy I needed them this morning. Vic would be proud of me cuz I looked hot. I mean, real HOT. I looked at myself in the mirror and I actually felt fantastic to look at my reflection. I just couldn't wait till Nigel would lay his eyes on me. It would be different than yesterday. He would derive a conclusion that I could rough it and I could primp it, and I primped it good.

"Honey honey...let me feel it..uh huh...honey..honey..."

I was ready for the world. I was ready to see my love machine.

I didn't know what's got into me because I sure was depressed last night. Not sure whether it was the caffeine or whether it was the anticipation of seeing Nigel's face today that just put me in a great mood. I just couldn't wait to see his face and for a change, I wouldn't look like shit. I just couldn't wait for the great day to start.

My heart was beating so loud all the way to the office. I decided to drive today and not braving the bus and the walk on these heels. Besides, I was just a ball of nerve ready to burst any time. It was insane the amount of those butterflies flying around in my stomach. It tickled at times. At other times, I really thought I had bees in there.

Funny, time passed and I didn't even see Vic. Would you think by 10 AM someone would have complemented me on the way I looked? Surely Amy and Beverly would have their jaws on the floor looking at me in heels and dressing ultra suave professional like today. I mean this would be the day that compliments were in order. But nooooooo... what was I thinking? Bev looked at me and gave me a good morning. I was like...what the hell, Bev? She must have been blind. I was actually pissed off beyond pissed.

Vic wasn't even around. Her assistant, Gretchen, told me that she was out of the office today on a shoot.

By noon, my heart sank. There was no sign of Nigel. There was absolutely no sign. Frances was getting suspicious of me. She had no idea about Nigel and me. I didn't really want to tell her since I was afraid people would find out. It would be so embarrassing if people knew that I have this massive crush on the Managing Partner. Not that Frances would tell; yet, I thought the less people knew, the better. It was so hard for me to keep anything from Frances. She would figure it out eventually but I thought I would let her figure it out on her own if she must find out.

Jenna came to my office with an open faced sandwich that looked like an egg salad.

"Egg salad?" I asked. "Really?" I said sarcastically.
"Would I bring you just a regular egg salad?" She asked. Then she stopped her step and said.."My! Don't you look great!" She said and smiled. My lips cracked a genuine smile.
"Why, thanks Jenn." I said. "You're the first one that noticed."
"Are you going out later or something? You're really dressing up!"
"No." I said. "I just felt tired dressing like a bum." I said and smiled.
"Mh...Gribiche." I said after tasting one of the toast points that Jenna presented in front of me.
"Yep. I'm thinking ahead for Easter. What to do with all those Easter eggs."
"Mh...tasty." I said.
"You like it?" Jenna smiled.
"Yeah." I said.
"Well, then...finish it!"
"Uh..later maybe. I just don't have any appetite." I said.
"What's going on, chef?" She asked me. I laughed.
"Felt funny you're calling me chef and I looked like I'm so not worthy of that title right now." I said and mused.
"In  your high heels and all..which by the way, super cute!! Nice shoes." Jenna popped her eyes. "Are they yours, or are they Victoria's?? Did you borrow it?
"Hey, watch it." I said. "I don't own just clogs you know." I said."Besides, Victoria is a giant. She wear size 10!" I said. Jenna just laughed and kept on bombarding me with rants.

I finished one toast point to shut Jenna up and to send her on her way. I didn't feel like explaining myself and coming up with false excuses why I felt the way I felt.

I stayed in my office all day and for the most part I stared blank at the screen, thinking about Nigel. I really wanted to ask Beverly where he was but I thought the queen of gossips would find new materials if I pricked open the can even just a little. I couldn't take chances. Though it bothered me so much that I didn't know where Nigel was, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. By 4 PM, I was busy in my own world in making food speak in its true form on Joie pages. By the time I checked the time again, it was already 6 PM.

There was no sign of Nigel.

Now it brought me back to here - where I still stood by the window watching life passed me by. All the excitement I felt this morning has vanished into nothingness. I couldn't believe Nigel didn't show up today. Wow, it was my luck or what? He wasn't here at all. I made a fool of myself dressing up like I was the hottest thing since sliced bread for absolutely nothing.

I exhaled. I ran my hand over the condensation on the glass window. My heart was still heavy with disappointment. But what else could I do? When I knew that my heart was ready for a settlement and to accept the fact that I wouldn't be seeing him today, I felt somewhat better.

But it was 6:00 PM. Nigel didn't come. Our compass definitely did not line up today. Not sure where the direction he was at. I knew where mine was. It was true South. I was feeling like some good old Southern food to eat the pain away. Some chickory coffee and beignets would do me a  lot of good right about now. But, no such luck.

Chapter 6

Ring...Ring....

I glanced at my phone on my kitchen counter. A splash of hope passed through my brain hoping that it would be Nigel on the other line.

Nope.

I saw the picture of Roberta's very muscular calf on the phone. I love that shot I took of her. I took it at one of her ballet recitals last year. She looked spectacular when she was doing an adage and I happened to snap my camera at the right moment focusing on her foot. Her foot looked so strong and graceful. Her posture and her muscle definition on her legs were astonishing. If she could posses this much grace only on her lower limbs, I couldn't imagine what she possesses in her entirety. At that moment I was mesmerized and humbled by my friend, Bobbie. I since used that photograph for her ID picture on my phone. It is a constant reminder for me that if all fails in the world of men, I will go after Bobbie with all my might and plea for her hand in marriage.

I will so  go after Bobbie if I were a lesbian. Vic said the same thing. Tough, Victoria has to fight me tooth and nail before I give up Bobbie sincerely.

"Hey Ro"  I said as I answered the phone.
"Hey." She said. "What are you doing?"
"Making dinner."
"Anything good?" She asked.
"Good as in..steak and foie good?"
"No." She said. "Good as in Quinoa and beets salad good."
"Uh...I think you knew the answer." I said.
"Yeah." She said. "Figured. I should have known better."
"You should have." I said and laughed. "But, I'm not making steak and foie either." I looked at my ingredients on the kitchen counter. All I had were some Roma Tomatoes and anchovies. I was making some simple spaghetti puttanesca.
"So what's for dinner?"
"Guess."
"What do you have to cook?"
"Tomatoes and anchovies." I said.
"Hahaha." She laughed out loud. "You're not eating very well tonight. But sure you will turn them into something good."
"Sure I will."
"I don't know what...but...I have faith in you."
"Thanks, Ro." I said. "Puttanesca." I said.
"Ah...hooker's food." She said. "You should make that for Emma."
"Hahaha...not again with the hooker talk." I said. "Hey, but...what's with Vic? Who is she seeing now?" I asked.
"You're asking me? You see her more than me, Sab."
"She didn't say." I said.
"Why you asked?"
"She was gone so quick today. She didn't even say good bye. From the looks of it, I knew she had a date."
"She always has dates. What's new."
"I know." I said. "I wish I had one."
"What? A date? Go get one." Bobbie said. "I don't get you. You could just go out with Vic and you can get a guy in a snap. Why are you even whining about not having a date! Seriously, what have you done to get one?"
"I'm...uh, a little preoccupied right now."
"Seriously, Sab...seriously?" Bobbie snapped at me sarcastically. "Why are you wasting your time thinking about the married boss? I mean...Dios Mio!"
"I can't help it." I said. "You know, he was in the office today and I totally didn't know. I dressed like crap. Oh I was so mad! I was totally shocked when I saw him in the office."
"Oh." Bobbie said. "Did he still pay attention to you?"
"Yeah. He actually did."
"Then he actually is really into you as a person than just a piece of ass. That made him even more dangerous, Sabrina."
"I never thought for a second he sees me as a piece of ass. If he just wants that, he'd go for Vic in no time. Vic would have been perfect. Whether Vic would go for him is another story."
"Vic wouldn't go for married man. She's not that picky, but she won't go for a married man."
"I know she won't." I said. "Ugh, she was on my case all day about Nigel and about him being married."
"Why? It doesn't bother you that he's married?"
"Of course it does." I said. "But other girls never seemed  to care about my husband being married." I said.
"But you're not other girls, Sabrina." Bobbie said.
"At times I wish I were just like other girls."
"You don't mean that." Bobbie said.
"I wish he's not married then." I said.
"Mh....but he is." Bobbie said. "Anyway..I called because I want you to try this coffee I got from Ethiopia. I got it from this purveyor and it's amazing." She was totally changing the subject. I knew she loved me but this whole thing about me lusting over a married man didn't sit well with Bobbie. So, I obliged and moved on to the coffee subject.
"Oh, sweet. I have to work really late tomorrow." I said.
"Perfect." Roberta said. "I'll stop by and keep you up."
Roberta and I love to drink coffee late at night. For some reasons, caffeine never bothers us. I love drinking coffee in the wee of night.

We talked for a little bit longer until she had to go on stage. She was in intermission and was still able to carry on a conversation. If I were her, I would be so focused and I wouldn't be able to multi-task the way she did. However, I am not Roberta. 

Roberta is a little fire-cracker and super woman. She can do so much and she's been really blessed her entire life. Unlike Vic and I who have gone through heartaches and pain, Roberta seems to always have that joie de vivre. Funny, she should be the one working for Joie Magazine since she would make such a better representation compared to me and Victoria.

She has a great career and an incredible talent as a ballerina. She speaks so many different languages and so apt with little trivia. The kicker is, she had a second degree in math. I mean, math? A ballerina with a math degree? Come on!! Plus, she has a boyfriend that loves her. Sam is a doll. He's a handsome pilot and quite a bit younger than Bobbie. I often imagined the fun they had in the bedroom, though at times, I really didn't have to do much imagining as Bobbie would tell me specifics. Too much information at times. However, I would call it lucky any day for a woman in her thirties, being in her sexual prime, to have a 28 years old stallion in her disposal. When I think about it, I often want to get down on my knees and start worshiping her.

Bobbie often complains though for the fact Sam is always working and out of town. He's a pilot. What does she expect? Not fly? From my eyes, I thought things are just perfect with them. Yet, things are never perfect. We never can be grateful that what we have is simply enough. I know what I have isn't enough. Yes, I have a great career, a good talent, a great place to live, great friends I love, a sub-zero refrigerator, and a viking stove. Do I find this enough? No! It's not enough. I want a man who loves me on top of everything else. I want maybe a couple gorgeous kids who call me mom. I also want a Ferrari 458 Italia while I'm at it and body like any of the La Perla lingerie models. Then, perhaps it will be enough. Perhaps not.

Though I want all that. Right at this moment, I would trade all I have for Nigel Gallagher. I would trade all that for Nigel not being married. I would trade all I have for a chance to know how it would be to kiss him and lay in his arms. I would trade all I have to wake up next to him in the morning.

A sense of stinging pain in my heart permeated all over my body. It was funny to realize that I have let myself to feel this much for Nigel. The wanting and yearning to be with him felt a little bit unbearable. I didn't even know if it was all in my head or he actually does feel something for me. Yet, I have let myself to feel this much emotions for him. I really really was setting myself up for pain and suffering. Why did I do such a thing? Why?

Why there has to be a Mrs. Gallagher? What a lucky woman. A surge of hatred went through my vein. It was pure jealousy and envy. Yet, then again I realized the fact that I am actually healthy and she's not. She may have been married to Nigel; however, I do have my Viking stove and I can cook my brains out and not being bedridden. Huh. This was a never ending of self pity and self preservation. How come love never comes easy to me? It's just never easy. Ever.

I spent the night googling Nigel Gallagher. I just wanted to know more about him, and about his wife. I have never even seen a picture of her. I was wondering whether she's beautiful. I was wondering how the woman Nigel married to looked like. I didn't find much about his wife at all. Actually, I didn't find anything on her. It was just about Nigel and his businesses. In fact, it seemed that Nigel is married to Derek Stearns, his business partner. Everything that came up was Nigel Gallagher and Derek Stearns this, and that. I was so engrossed in my research that I didn't realize I have spent hours in front of my laptop on the couch. I didn't feel any better. In fact, I was even more frustrated. Not to mention the fatigue that has set in. Even so, there was not a single picture online of Nigel and his wife. None.

It was so peculiar. I spent hours scourging the world wide web and the more I stalked him online, the more desperate I was. It was resulting zilch.

The more I feel for this guy, the more I feel I travel down south. I felt totally out of balance. I felt totally off kilter. There was no yin or yang.