A splash of Nigel, on top of me, kissing me so passionately, as our hands entwined together, squeezed together till our veins bulged out.
Blink.
I was on top of him, and I was making sweet passionate love to him, without one single thread, without one single guilt, without one single regret.
Blink.
His sweaty body rubbed against mine hard yet tender. His eyes were closed but his face told so many stories of happiness, pleasure...bliss. Ah.
He groaned as he opened his eyes and reached for my lips. His hand cupped my breast, and I lost it. Oh God.
Blink.
Tangled in between sheets, our love collided as our body couldn't seem to part from one another. Writhing in clarified orgasmic euphoria, this is worth every sin a woman can carry for the world. This is worth all the seven hells and back. This is worth being called a whore for the rest of my life.
Blink.
I opened my eyes and smiled. I reached to my side to find Nigel but the bed beside me was empty. I rubbed my eyes, trying to see clearly. My head was pounding. Oh, that champagne got to me so badly. For a quick moment, I felt an utter panic I couldn't contain. What happened? Did I sleep with him? Did I really sleep with him? Oh my dear God.
I stood up quick on the bed. Looking at myself, I was in my underwear. The dress was off, thrown on the chaise by the window. Everything else was still intact. I wasn't naked. I wasn't sweaty. But I surely was wet.
Damn... that was such a good dream. I felt goose bumps formed on my forearms. I rubbed myself as fast as I could to get warm. The sensation and the feeling I felt after realizing how great that dream was drove me mad. It felt so real. It felt like it happened. I could picture every moment of my dream vividly of how he made love to me. I could see his facial expression when he came inside me ever so clearly. I could still feel his strong hands manhandling me. Ah..was it just a dream?
I spent the next hour in disbelief of what just happened to me. What happened? Nothing happened. It wasn't real. It was just a dream. However, for the life of me, I couldn't get a hold of myself. I couldn't control this urge to be with him and to tell the world to hell with everything. I wanted it. I wanted him more than anything. I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted him so much. You only live once I told myself. You only live once.
Then, live.
I tried to recall what happened last night. We had a wonderful time at the gala. I still remember all those fine people of Singapore dressed so grandly. All the flowing Louis Roederer Champagne.... Those flutes poured those bubbly so smoothly down my throat with no halts. The salty caviar with lemon gelée was a nice touch. I could remember savoring that hors d'oeuvres just a little bit too much. I also enjoyed playing "the woman" next to Nigel Gallagher a bit too much. It felt wonderful. It felt right. It was all I ever wanted.
I kept saying that. It was all I ever wanted. What did I ever want? To tell you the truth, what I really wanted for the life of me was a family. I wanted a successful man who loves me. I wanted a man who cares so much about me he wants a family with me. All I wanted was to raise a couple of healthy babies and grow old together happily ever after. I wanted what Emma has. I wanted that happy easy life where I don't always have to fend for myself so I could have a roof over my head. I wanted to be at home and cook all day and wait for the husband and kids to get home.
I have been trying to convince myself all this time that I am a modern woman who works for a living and loving it, who strives for a career like it is the most important thing, who is successful and independent. I am a modern woman who doesn't need any man to make me happy. I am a modern woman who feels just fine being by herself as she completes herself.
Truth is, the more I grew older, the more boring I became. I am not that modern woman every housewife envies. No. I am a successful woman who just got a huge promotion to be an Executive Editor of an International magazine. Yet, when I was at that gala with all those grandeur people, I realized how boring I was. I made conversations when I had to. If not, I was fine to stay silent as frankly I could give a rat's ass about any of those people. I didn't have much interesting things to say or used any of my corporate training of how to win friends and influence people. Nope, I didn't care to use any of the techniques in making empty conversations and making a connection. I didn't feel like I belong in that happening lifestyle or in that partying type of setting. I thrive more in a dinner gathering with friends. I can stomach a little slow dancing. In fact, I did my fair share of it last night. But, moving your body around in contortion and be the spectacle of watching eyes, and making random babbles about shit you won't care to repeat while you tried to scream passed the loud music weren't really my thing. The only thing that made me happy there was the champagne that was truly wonderful, and Nigel.
Though I must admit I do feel the pressure at times of those staring eyes who judged you as not cool enough. At times, life never graduates high school. You're constantly judged to perform at a certain level of magnificence.
At the end of the day, I am an old soul at heart. I am a homebody. I am not the hip and cool girl I used to be when I was younger. I had adapted to that boring, mundane lifestyle an old married couple would have. I am not even married. Yet, I adapted to it because dammit I am ready for it. I have been ready for it for a long long time.
Yet, here I am in my late thirties, being pushed to have to act like twenty something so that I can impress someone who might be a suitor while all the while, he was right there next to me. Except, he's off limit as he's already had his boring happy life with a woman at home.
I am ready for a boring life. That was all I ever wanted. However, I aptly convinced myself that this big promotion, this big success, the extra income I will spend on pampering and eating out at nice restaurants are all I ever wished for. Frankly, it wasn't because of want. Frankly, I learned to love what I have because it is all I have.
It is all I have.
But then, I do have this man who loves me. Last night in the Singaporean prom, I was happy like a senior having been able to snatch the "guy" to be my date. I knew I was beaming last night, the whole time. I was so proud to be by his side. Now, I do have this man I truly love. This is all I ever wanted. I could have a chance to have my boring happy life. For real.
You only live once.
I knew that but it never resonates with me. You only live once so live it right, correct? What is it? Living by the rules, or live it as how to make you the happiest? What will make me the happiest is to be called a whore but I can be with Nigel and feel his love inside me every night. What will make it right is to denounce him one more time and deny the one thing I truly want. So, which one?
I heard someone was opening my door. I scooted up a bit anticipating Nigel. He had my room key.
"Hey..." he said. "I didn't think you're up." He said. He was dressed ready to go.
"I just woke up." I said. "I didn't want to wake up." I said and smiled. He smiled and came to bed next to me. "I wouldn't want to be up either." he said. "It's 4:30 am."
"Ah..." I said as I yawned... "Not because of that." I said. "I had the most wonderful dream." I said and smiled. "I didn't want to wake up from it."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. So wonderful."
"Were you in your wedding gown and I was at the altar waiting for you and we were 15 years younger?" He asked.
"Nigel...if I dreamed about getting married, it means I'm gonna die!"
"Oh!" he said. "Who said??" He said. "That's some crazy superstitious."
"Ask my mom." I said and laughed.
"I can't wait to meet this mom of yours." He said and smiled. "She sounds so complex."
"That, you can say." I said giggling thinking about my dear mom the complex housewife.
"She has to be a wonderful woman having raised a daughter like you." Nigel looked at me with such a sincere admiration that I couldn't help but to lean down and kissed his lips.
"I love you." I said. "I dreamed about you and I making love." I said. "So hot, so fucking wonderful, that I wished I would never wake up." I saw him swallowed.
"Wow.." he said as he grinned. "Lucky you." he said. I nodded.
"It felt so real, baby." I said as I looked down. He slipped his hand and grabbed my waist and he pulled me closer to him.
"Well, I am glad you were able to feel how wonderful it would be if you and I could be together, even if it's in a dream." He said. "I could only imagine." he said, ".....And, I will take some valium tonight with a big glass of Scotch during my flight so I will get the same dream." He said. I laughed and he followed me with a happy cheeky grin. "If that's the only way I could feel it, then I sure hope I get the same dream."
"Nigel.." I said..as I grabbed him by the collar. "Let's do it." I said.
I started kissing him. I really really wanted it. I really really really didn't care about anything else. I really wanted him more than the world, more than anything. He took me in his embrace with open arms, as I started unbuttoning his pants, and he was about to take off my bra.
"I love you." He said.
"I love you.." I sighed in between kisses.. "I really really love you."
All of a sudden he stopped... "Don't tease me. You're really good at this teasing business." He said. "Don't.."
"Nigel?" I looked at him confused. "I'm not teasing you. I really do love you."
"I know." He said... as he kissed my forehead. "I know." he said. "Just don't tease me about making love. I can't bear it." He said.
"I'm not." I said... "I don't care anymore. We only live once. I waited for years to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to love you. I want to be with you."
Nigel looked at me incredulously. "What happened?" He asked. "What happened to pulling an Anne Boleyn on me?"
I looked at him as my tears pooled in my eyes. The headache from the champagne reverberated quite violently right at that moment. "Don't make me change my mind." I said as I tried to kiss him again. Yet, he stopped me. I started massaging my temple, trying to find some relief from the pain in my head.
"Sabby.... what happened? Why changed now? Because of a dream?"
"You don't understand. It's not just a dream." I said. "I had never felt happier as I was in that dream." I said as I looked at him, and a single tear fell on my cheek. Nigel kissed my cheek as his thumb erased that tear.
"I tried and tried so hard my whole life to be a good person and I always ended up in misery while all the bad people who hurt me enjoyed the life that I wanted. What was supposed to be my life. Mine." I said. "I tried so hard to be a good person throughout this trial with you." I said. "To do right by God and by your wife while the whole time I do myself wrong. I do you wrong." I said. "I want to be with you at whatever cost." I said.
Nigel smiled.. and oh he looked so handsome with that smile. "Are you serious?" He asked.
I smiled.. "You look so handsome with that smile, Nigel."
He kissed the top of my hand... "I just couldn't believe what I'm hearing." He said. "How a dream changed everything. Even your core of being.... Can it be?" He asked.
I sighed.. "I probably would regret it after it's done." I said and laughed.
"Then, I don't want it." He said. "Not if you would regret it. But I know you won't."
"Ah..confident, aren't we?"
He kissed my hand once more..."I know you won't." He said.
"Then, make love to me." I said.
"You have to be sure, Sabby." He said. "I don't want you to resent me for anything, especially not for sex."
"I don't care about sex. I want to be with you."
"It will require my penis going into your vagina, it is called sex." He said. "I love you and I want it too, making love to you.. making sex with you, but...I love you enough not to have it because I know what's deep down in your heart."
"Ah...you're impossible." I said. He laughed out loud.
"Are you just trying to get back at me??" I asked as I hit him with a pillow. "Is this pay back??" I asked. "I swear to God, Nigel! I'm dead serious about this. I can't fuckin' believe this."
He silenced me with a kiss as he pinned me down under him. He took my breath away, and as he held my hair by his hand, he looked at me...
"Be sure, baby." He said. "No regret." He said. "I want you to think about it." He said. "We waited all this time.., we need to wait until you are 100 point 0 0 percent sure."
"I am." I said. He shook his head. "You stated you might regret it afterward. Not acceptable."
"So what?"
"I won't have it." He said as he shook his head back and forth. He looked up at me quickly soon after and said.. "Hey... I really came here to kiss you good bye." He said. "I'm late for my flight.." He said.
"You can't be late for a flight even if you could have sex?" I asked. "Get lucky with me?"
"Oh..I would miss a thousand flights for it." he said. "But, I'll wait until you have absolutely no doubt." He said. "Sabby..as I said... I really came here to kiss you good bye and to tell you that when I get to New York, I will tell Marcy that I will care for her until forever but I will ask for a divorce."
"What..?" I asked doubting my hearing.
"You heard me." He said. "See...I'm sure on that. I am not doing it just because I'm madly in love with you. I am doing it because it is about time I'm getting on with my life even if you don't want to be with me." He said. "But I want you to know that's the first thing I will do when I get home."
"Yeah?" I asked in disbelief.
He smiled as he squeezed my hand. "Yeah."
I went to his embrace and I hugged him. We hugged each other tight and we drowned ourselves in each other's curves. We hugged for the longest time. He caressed my hair and it was the first time that I started to feel things are finally right. I felt less dirty. I felt less guilty. The dream started to become reality. It felt even better than the dream.
When we let go of each other, Nigel said to me... "You think about me when I'm not around, and get sure because I really want to be with you." I smiled and nodded.
"When we see each other again in a couple of weeks...things will be so much different. Count on it." He said. He whispered in my ear.."count on it."
