Chapter 8

Daydreams are a writer's best friend. So many ideas and random thoughts shuffle through your brain as you daydream. That is when you let your mind go in auto pilot. You will be surprised what you might think of. I'm a dreamer. Always have, and always will. I dream in my sleep vividly, and I daydream constantly. I wouldn't be able to come up with things to write about if I have never let my mind wander aimlessly. I often think that the bridge of my nose is a path to my brain going towards the endless world of imagination. It is literally a bridge to nowhere.

So many things swirling through my head. I was still motionless in front of my office window. I was so enthralled in my thoughts that I didn't feel the throbbing pain on both of my feet. The shoes weren't exactly comfortable. Not to me. I really couldn't figure out how Vic and Xandra could run around and be on heels all day. For the life of me, wearing heels today was pure torture. Yet, it wasn't the most torturous thing I felt all day. Waiting was even worse than wearing heels all day. Wait, there's something even worse than waiting. Having waited for hours and what you were waiting for never come...was definitely and indisputably the worst thing that could happen to me today. Oy vey!

Talking about Oy vey - there's a brand of Kosher meat marinades called "Soy Vey." How clever! They are pretty good as well. I tried their Teriyaki marinade before and it was pretty tasty. Yeah, I went on a little tangent there. I have warned you however that this brain of mine often wanders tirelessly. It went from the actual pain I felt in my chest, to my throbbing feet, to the pain of waiting, to screaming oy vey that means "oh pain" in Yiddish, to a Kosher Teriyaki soy seasoning blend. I am brilliant.

I had to cancel late night coffee with Bobbie tonight. I didn't feel like coffee at midnight as usual. I did not want to prolong the day whatsoever. Good thing she didn't care and said it would be really late if she could come over anyway. 

Back to my daydreams, I literally could waste hours sitting still and just spending the time thinking, musing, daydreaming, ruminating, cogitating, pondering...  I could go on and on.

Saved by the bell! My iphone started ringing and it woke me up from my daydream. I grabbed it and it was Vic wanting to facetime. When the connection was established, I saw two familiar smiling faces.

"Hiiiiiiiiii" Xandra said.
"Hi." I said short with a long face.
"Oh." Vic said in shocked. "What was that?!" She said.
"I think she just said 'hi.'" Xandra said as she imitated me, complete with a pouty face.
"Don't make fun of me, Xandra." I said. "I'm having a bad day."
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Xandra said.
"Yeah..seriously." Vic said. "What the hell is wrong, Sab? You didn't do anything stupid, did you?" Vic asked.
"Why you said that?" I asked.
"Uhhh...I just had a bad feeling. I mean look at you. You dressed up! But,  I knew you didn't dress up for nothing."
"Yeah, I was just gonna say, Sabby." Xandra added. "You definitely dressed to impress today! I haven't seen you in this much make up, forever! I mean, sweetheart - you're done up!" Xandra said.
"Yeah..yeah." I said. I lifted my feet to the phone so they could see my shoes
"Look." I said.
"Ah hahahaha..." they both laughed. "I remember those!" Vic said about my shoes.
"You better remember it." I said.
"Of course!" Vic said. "I love those!"
"These are weapon of mass destruction." I said. "My feet are killing me."
"Oh jeez. If only they had my size. I just couldn't let you pass it up." Vic said. "Such a great deal and they looked phenomenal on you!"
"They did look great on me, Vic. I give you that." I said.
"I like shoes as much as the next girl, but I could give a rat's ass about that right now. What is wrong, Sab? Seriously?"
"Uh...nothing is wrong. I was just bummed."
"Sab look at me." Vic said. So I looked at her. I tilted my head and looked at her, uninterested.
"Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid with Nigel. Please..please..say it ain't so."
 I let them be in suspense for a little bit. Vic was twitching. Xandra was puzzled. I felt sorry for them so then I finally said..
 "No...of course not. He wasn't even here."
"Ohh?" Vic said surprised.
"Yes, Vic. I actually put some effort into looking decent and the bastard didn't even show."
I thought they would laugh at me. Yet, they didn't. I was so surprised that they actually were being good friends and not pour salt on my open wound.
"Oh, Sabby." Vic said. "Don't be sad." She said.
"I'm not sad." I said pouting.
"Yes, you are." Vic said.
"You're disappointed." Xandra said.
"Yes, thank you, Xandra. I am."
"Sweetie, you look great today. You should look great like that every day. You should look great for yourself, and not for Nigel. Not for any guy." Vic said.
I exhaled loud. "Uuuuuhhh...Vic." I said.
"I know..I know. You don't want to hear it."Vic said.
"You got that right. I don't." I said. "I can't believe he wasn't in the office at all today. I could swear I thought he said he would be in."
"Sab, come on. We talked about this. If you really didn't have any intention of making things happen with Nigel, why are you doing this? Come on." Vic said. "What are you doing?? Sabby..he's married. Don't go there."
"I..." I said. "I'm not trying to do anything than to just look pretty." I said and slouched. "That's all." I said. "I just wanted to look pretty in front of him."
"It's not all." Vic said. "That is not all."
I started shaking my head frustrated.
"Hey... come out with us." Xandra said. "Come on, let's eat."
"I can't hear any more judgmental nag from Vic tonight." I said. "I can't...I can't."
"Judgmental??" Vic said. "Sabby, get off your high heels already." Vic said. "You knew what you're doing and you created this shit for yourself."
I started laughing. It was funny when she told me to get off my high heels. All of a sudden we were all laughing.
"Oh..you guys." I said as I laughed. "I knew I could always laugh with you. Though I really feel like throwing these shoes to Vic right now."
"hahaha....you love me, and you know it. You just hate knowing that I'm right."
"Yeah...yeah..yeah." I said and rolled my eyes. "I didn't know you are together today." I said.
"Yeah, we just finished one part today. More tomorrow." Xandra said.
"Where were you guys?"
"Milwaukee. At the Art Museum there." Xandra said.
"More in Milwaukee tomorrow?"
"Hell no." Vic said. "I would have stayed overnight if it was the case. We're almost back in the city already. Going to get dinner. Thus why we called you to see if you want to join us."
"Where? Can we go to Table Fifty-Two?"
"Oh, listen to her. We invited her but she's telling us where to go." Vic said.
"But she is the Food Guru. Besides, she's having a bad day." Xandra said. "Table Fifty-Two sounds great. I'm getting me some fried chicken and mac and cheese."
"Good lord." Vic said.
"You can get some acidic collard green, Vic." I said. "Perfect for your tongue."
"Bite me." Vic said and laughed.
"Come on, Victoria...please?! I'm having a bad day and I just really want some Southern comfort food. I want some fried cat fish and shrimp and grits, perhaps beignets, or pecan pie."
"Ohhh, pecan pie." Vic said and smiled big. I laughed.
"I knew that would do the trick." Vic nodded.

Getting dinner plan underway helped to cheer up my mood a bit. When all has failed, I can always count on food to save the day. I freshened up a bit before bolting out the door. As I was hurrying to leave the office, I ran right smacked onto someone. I didn't see anyone behind me as I closed my office door. I actually screamed a little because I was surprised.

"Ahhhh!!!" I said.
"Oh.." The guy said. "I'm sorry..I'm sorry." He said as he caught my hands. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Oh, Eric!" I said relieved as I was still massaging my chest from being startled.
Eric Phillips, our Chief Financial Officer, whom I usually don't see very often around the office, was all of a sudden standing in front of me. He cracked a smile and said..
"Are you okay, Sabrina?"
"Hahaha..you came out of nowhere." I said.
"Well, I was actually coming to see you." He said. "But you were in a hurry it seems like. I really didn't mean to startle you. I thought you saw me coming."
"No...I didn't." I said. "I'm so sorry..I was preoccupied." He smiled. Mh..Eric actually had a nice smile. I never really paid attention before. Well but then, I never usually paid attention to coworkers, especially the married ones. Yes, I knew I really I didn't have legs to stand on making such statement. Let's put it this way - I never paid attention to married coworkers until Nigel Gallagher. I really didn't know if Eric was married or not. I just never paid attention to him period. Usually a guy like him would be married and cheating on his wife. Or, he would be the eternal bachelor accessorized with a different blond every night. He's just very dapper. He's well dressed, perfect sleeves buttoned with matching cuff links, perfect teeth, inviting smiles. He's got perfect features. He's the equivalent of Victoria in male form. Surprisingly, he's in the most boring part of the business. He handles our financial. I couldn't imagine how boring it would be dealing with Assets, Liabilities, Current Ratio, and the sorts.

I usually would have paid attention to a handsome guy as much as the next chick. However, I work with this guy, and for some reasons, I have formed an opinion about Eric Phillips that he's just another corporate jackass. Surprisingly however, his smile seemed so genuine tonight. I felt a little guilt swirling through my startled chest. I was calling Vic judgmental earlier. I didn't know anything about Eric Phillips to be forming a negative opinion about him. He has never really done anything wrong to me.

"Sabrina..?" Eric said.
"Oh..yeah... uh... is it important? Mh..the thing you want to see me about?"
"It can wait. I should be in tomorrow. We can pick it up tomorrow if you need to run." Eric said.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Absolutely."he confirmed. "I didn't think you would still be around. I was just giving it a shot to see if I would catch you."
"And you did." I said and laughed.
He cracked another beautiful smile. "Seriously, it can wait till tomorrow." He said. "I don't want to ruin your night." He said.
"Oh...is that so? Ruin my night how? What did you want to discuss?"
He really laughed now. "Ruin your night by keeping you here instead of letting you to get where you need to be." Eric said.
"Oh." I said and exhaled. He laughed at me.
"A little paranoid, there Sabrina?" I just laughed silly.
"It's been a long day, Eric. Let's just put it that way. I had a lot on my mind."
"Well, go on then. Come see me tomorrow when you have a chance."
"Will do. Have a good night." I said as I started walking away.
"You too." He said. "Be careful now."

I really wondered now what he wanted to talk to me about. Hopefully nothing bad. He probably wanted to talk about budget. I really didn't know. I felt so silly being startled like that. I screamed like a little girl seeing the boogie man, except the boogie man was a gorgeous accountant dressed in Italian tailored suit.

Hey, I actually had to go North on Michigan Avenue to get to Table Fifty-Two, and then head West on Division Street. I didn't have to go South this time. Well, eventually I would be going South to go home. I always head South at the end of the day. It's no surprise if everything else would too.

Chapter 7

Okay. The clock struck 6. It was dark as dark could be outside. It was the glory of winter when 6 PM felt like midnight. The working day was already over. I stood by my office window, watching the commotion outside. There was life out there - people walking, running, talking. There were cars honking, cabs trying to catch fares, and bicycles swirling. Yet, inside me, I felt like life has departed. The cool air from the dead winter of Chicago sent chills to my very bones. The simple air I breathed out left condensation on the glass window. All looked a little blurry now as I kept on staring blank to the world out there.

He didn't come today. Nigel didn't grace my day with his presence.

I woke up  this morning super early - not because the usual obnoxious ring tone of my phone alarm that would ring as sure as day every day; but, it was because I felt this numbing pain on my kinked neck. I found myself laying face down on the couch. I had my glasses crooked on my face to one side, my arms flailing all over, one leg on the couch and one on the floor. It was a pretty sight. I didn't even wash my face last night. Great, here come the zits. I would surely break out. Though my skin has never been the super sensitive type; yet, if I failed to wash my face, little zits would form happily without request. I hate those little zits. I would always pop them as soon as I could pop them. My mom used to always yell at me saying that I would make it worse by popping it. Uh, ma...I couldn't stand looking at those zits unpopped. So sorry for never listening to you on that matter, ma. Only for the zits business though! I usually always try to listen to what my mama has to say because she never stirs me wrong.

I couldn't believe that I fell asleep on the couch last night. I must have been so tired from all the "research" I had done last night.  Sigh. What a waste of time.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized I had the computer keys impressions on my cheek. I swear I got squares resembling part of the keyboard on my right cheek. Great! The morning has started on the left foot for sure. I remedied it with brewing some coffee. It was actually early enough and I had enough time to make coffee at home for myself. I decided to brew the rest of what was left in the Havana coffee bag that Roberta gave me two months ago. She went to New Zealand over the holidays for a photography trip with Xandra. Roberta brought me two bags of super delicious coffee beans. Xandra brought me two bracelets. We always bring things back for one another in pairs. I usually always get coffee and bracelets as those are what I love. It was very rarely in the past that my friends would bring me things other than coffee and bracelets.  They knew better anyway and it made things simple for all of us for knowing the fail safe of what to bring back from vacation.

When I was sipping that thick coffee, it just felt heavenly. I felt sparkles of energy spewing inside me. I was ready to tackle the world. Those sparkles are usually called caffeine by the way. I was singing the song "Honey Honey" from Mama Mia as I danced around my apartment like an idiot. It was the upside of living alone. I could act like a complete lunatic and nobody would protest.

"Honey honey..how he thrills me..uh huh..Honey...Honey... ah ah ah huuuuuu..."

I jumped in the shower. I washed my hair and shaved my legs, soaped my entire body and did a quick sugar scrubs.

"Honey honey..nearly kills me..uh huh..Honey..honey."

I dried my short hair, put some mousse, and did my best to style it. I put make up on - foundation and all, lipstick, mascara, and the whole shebang.

"I heard about him before...I wanted to know some more.."

I looked through my closet and tried five different outfits before I settled on a pencil skirt and a thin satin black top with a little plunging neckline. I grabbed a red cashmere sweater that Xandra gave me for Christmas - just in case.

"And now I know what they mean, he's a love machine..Oh, he makes me dizzy!!!"

I put on my modest yet sexy Stuart Weitzman pump that Vic pressured me into buying. I still remember her nonchalant yet manipulative rant on the shoes.

"Come on, Sabby. It's on sale. 40 percent off. It's only 200 dollars now. What..it's practically Payless Shoes price. Do we have to wait for BOGO?"

I was actually shocked she knew what BOGO was. However, listening to my friend belittling me about waiting for Stuart Weitzman going Buy One Get One Free was even embarrassing for me. Yet, I do believe things happened for a reason and thank God I bought these nice platform pumps because boy I needed them this morning. Vic would be proud of me cuz I looked hot. I mean, real HOT. I looked at myself in the mirror and I actually felt fantastic to look at my reflection. I just couldn't wait till Nigel would lay his eyes on me. It would be different than yesterday. He would derive a conclusion that I could rough it and I could primp it, and I primped it good.

"Honey honey...let me feel it..uh huh...honey..honey..."

I was ready for the world. I was ready to see my love machine.

I didn't know what's got into me because I sure was depressed last night. Not sure whether it was the caffeine or whether it was the anticipation of seeing Nigel's face today that just put me in a great mood. I just couldn't wait to see his face and for a change, I wouldn't look like shit. I just couldn't wait for the great day to start.

My heart was beating so loud all the way to the office. I decided to drive today and not braving the bus and the walk on these heels. Besides, I was just a ball of nerve ready to burst any time. It was insane the amount of those butterflies flying around in my stomach. It tickled at times. At other times, I really thought I had bees in there.

Funny, time passed and I didn't even see Vic. Would you think by 10 AM someone would have complemented me on the way I looked? Surely Amy and Beverly would have their jaws on the floor looking at me in heels and dressing ultra suave professional like today. I mean this would be the day that compliments were in order. But nooooooo... what was I thinking? Bev looked at me and gave me a good morning. I was like...what the hell, Bev? She must have been blind. I was actually pissed off beyond pissed.

Vic wasn't even around. Her assistant, Gretchen, told me that she was out of the office today on a shoot.

By noon, my heart sank. There was no sign of Nigel. There was absolutely no sign. Frances was getting suspicious of me. She had no idea about Nigel and me. I didn't really want to tell her since I was afraid people would find out. It would be so embarrassing if people knew that I have this massive crush on the Managing Partner. Not that Frances would tell; yet, I thought the less people knew, the better. It was so hard for me to keep anything from Frances. She would figure it out eventually but I thought I would let her figure it out on her own if she must find out.

Jenna came to my office with an open faced sandwich that looked like an egg salad.

"Egg salad?" I asked. "Really?" I said sarcastically.
"Would I bring you just a regular egg salad?" She asked. Then she stopped her step and said.."My! Don't you look great!" She said and smiled. My lips cracked a genuine smile.
"Why, thanks Jenn." I said. "You're the first one that noticed."
"Are you going out later or something? You're really dressing up!"
"No." I said. "I just felt tired dressing like a bum." I said and smiled.
"Mh...Gribiche." I said after tasting one of the toast points that Jenna presented in front of me.
"Yep. I'm thinking ahead for Easter. What to do with all those Easter eggs."
"Mh...tasty." I said.
"You like it?" Jenna smiled.
"Yeah." I said.
"Well, then...finish it!"
"Uh..later maybe. I just don't have any appetite." I said.
"What's going on, chef?" She asked me. I laughed.
"Felt funny you're calling me chef and I looked like I'm so not worthy of that title right now." I said and mused.
"In  your high heels and all..which by the way, super cute!! Nice shoes." Jenna popped her eyes. "Are they yours, or are they Victoria's?? Did you borrow it?
"Hey, watch it." I said. "I don't own just clogs you know." I said."Besides, Victoria is a giant. She wear size 10!" I said. Jenna just laughed and kept on bombarding me with rants.

I finished one toast point to shut Jenna up and to send her on her way. I didn't feel like explaining myself and coming up with false excuses why I felt the way I felt.

I stayed in my office all day and for the most part I stared blank at the screen, thinking about Nigel. I really wanted to ask Beverly where he was but I thought the queen of gossips would find new materials if I pricked open the can even just a little. I couldn't take chances. Though it bothered me so much that I didn't know where Nigel was, there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. By 4 PM, I was busy in my own world in making food speak in its true form on Joie pages. By the time I checked the time again, it was already 6 PM.

There was no sign of Nigel.

Now it brought me back to here - where I still stood by the window watching life passed me by. All the excitement I felt this morning has vanished into nothingness. I couldn't believe Nigel didn't show up today. Wow, it was my luck or what? He wasn't here at all. I made a fool of myself dressing up like I was the hottest thing since sliced bread for absolutely nothing.

I exhaled. I ran my hand over the condensation on the glass window. My heart was still heavy with disappointment. But what else could I do? When I knew that my heart was ready for a settlement and to accept the fact that I wouldn't be seeing him today, I felt somewhat better.

But it was 6:00 PM. Nigel didn't come. Our compass definitely did not line up today. Not sure where the direction he was at. I knew where mine was. It was true South. I was feeling like some good old Southern food to eat the pain away. Some chickory coffee and beignets would do me a  lot of good right about now. But, no such luck.

Chapter 6

Ring...Ring....

I glanced at my phone on my kitchen counter. A splash of hope passed through my brain hoping that it would be Nigel on the other line.

Nope.

I saw the picture of Roberta's very muscular calf on the phone. I love that shot I took of her. I took it at one of her ballet recitals last year. She looked spectacular when she was doing an adage and I happened to snap my camera at the right moment focusing on her foot. Her foot looked so strong and graceful. Her posture and her muscle definition on her legs were astonishing. If she could posses this much grace only on her lower limbs, I couldn't imagine what she possesses in her entirety. At that moment I was mesmerized and humbled by my friend, Bobbie. I since used that photograph for her ID picture on my phone. It is a constant reminder for me that if all fails in the world of men, I will go after Bobbie with all my might and plea for her hand in marriage.

I will so  go after Bobbie if I were a lesbian. Vic said the same thing. Tough, Victoria has to fight me tooth and nail before I give up Bobbie sincerely.

"Hey Ro"  I said as I answered the phone.
"Hey." She said. "What are you doing?"
"Making dinner."
"Anything good?" She asked.
"Good as in..steak and foie good?"
"No." She said. "Good as in Quinoa and beets salad good."
"Uh...I think you knew the answer." I said.
"Yeah." She said. "Figured. I should have known better."
"You should have." I said and laughed. "But, I'm not making steak and foie either." I looked at my ingredients on the kitchen counter. All I had were some Roma Tomatoes and anchovies. I was making some simple spaghetti puttanesca.
"So what's for dinner?"
"Guess."
"What do you have to cook?"
"Tomatoes and anchovies." I said.
"Hahaha." She laughed out loud. "You're not eating very well tonight. But sure you will turn them into something good."
"Sure I will."
"I don't know what...but...I have faith in you."
"Thanks, Ro." I said. "Puttanesca." I said.
"Ah...hooker's food." She said. "You should make that for Emma."
"Hahaha...not again with the hooker talk." I said. "Hey, but...what's with Vic? Who is she seeing now?" I asked.
"You're asking me? You see her more than me, Sab."
"She didn't say." I said.
"Why you asked?"
"She was gone so quick today. She didn't even say good bye. From the looks of it, I knew she had a date."
"She always has dates. What's new."
"I know." I said. "I wish I had one."
"What? A date? Go get one." Bobbie said. "I don't get you. You could just go out with Vic and you can get a guy in a snap. Why are you even whining about not having a date! Seriously, what have you done to get one?"
"I'm...uh, a little preoccupied right now."
"Seriously, Sab...seriously?" Bobbie snapped at me sarcastically. "Why are you wasting your time thinking about the married boss? I mean...Dios Mio!"
"I can't help it." I said. "You know, he was in the office today and I totally didn't know. I dressed like crap. Oh I was so mad! I was totally shocked when I saw him in the office."
"Oh." Bobbie said. "Did he still pay attention to you?"
"Yeah. He actually did."
"Then he actually is really into you as a person than just a piece of ass. That made him even more dangerous, Sabrina."
"I never thought for a second he sees me as a piece of ass. If he just wants that, he'd go for Vic in no time. Vic would have been perfect. Whether Vic would go for him is another story."
"Vic wouldn't go for married man. She's not that picky, but she won't go for a married man."
"I know she won't." I said. "Ugh, she was on my case all day about Nigel and about him being married."
"Why? It doesn't bother you that he's married?"
"Of course it does." I said. "But other girls never seemed  to care about my husband being married." I said.
"But you're not other girls, Sabrina." Bobbie said.
"At times I wish I were just like other girls."
"You don't mean that." Bobbie said.
"I wish he's not married then." I said.
"Mh....but he is." Bobbie said. "Anyway..I called because I want you to try this coffee I got from Ethiopia. I got it from this purveyor and it's amazing." She was totally changing the subject. I knew she loved me but this whole thing about me lusting over a married man didn't sit well with Bobbie. So, I obliged and moved on to the coffee subject.
"Oh, sweet. I have to work really late tomorrow." I said.
"Perfect." Roberta said. "I'll stop by and keep you up."
Roberta and I love to drink coffee late at night. For some reasons, caffeine never bothers us. I love drinking coffee in the wee of night.

We talked for a little bit longer until she had to go on stage. She was in intermission and was still able to carry on a conversation. If I were her, I would be so focused and I wouldn't be able to multi-task the way she did. However, I am not Roberta. 

Roberta is a little fire-cracker and super woman. She can do so much and she's been really blessed her entire life. Unlike Vic and I who have gone through heartaches and pain, Roberta seems to always have that joie de vivre. Funny, she should be the one working for Joie Magazine since she would make such a better representation compared to me and Victoria.

She has a great career and an incredible talent as a ballerina. She speaks so many different languages and so apt with little trivia. The kicker is, she had a second degree in math. I mean, math? A ballerina with a math degree? Come on!! Plus, she has a boyfriend that loves her. Sam is a doll. He's a handsome pilot and quite a bit younger than Bobbie. I often imagined the fun they had in the bedroom, though at times, I really didn't have to do much imagining as Bobbie would tell me specifics. Too much information at times. However, I would call it lucky any day for a woman in her thirties, being in her sexual prime, to have a 28 years old stallion in her disposal. When I think about it, I often want to get down on my knees and start worshiping her.

Bobbie often complains though for the fact Sam is always working and out of town. He's a pilot. What does she expect? Not fly? From my eyes, I thought things are just perfect with them. Yet, things are never perfect. We never can be grateful that what we have is simply enough. I know what I have isn't enough. Yes, I have a great career, a good talent, a great place to live, great friends I love, a sub-zero refrigerator, and a viking stove. Do I find this enough? No! It's not enough. I want a man who loves me on top of everything else. I want maybe a couple gorgeous kids who call me mom. I also want a Ferrari 458 Italia while I'm at it and body like any of the La Perla lingerie models. Then, perhaps it will be enough. Perhaps not.

Though I want all that. Right at this moment, I would trade all I have for Nigel Gallagher. I would trade all that for Nigel not being married. I would trade all I have for a chance to know how it would be to kiss him and lay in his arms. I would trade all I have to wake up next to him in the morning.

A sense of stinging pain in my heart permeated all over my body. It was funny to realize that I have let myself to feel this much for Nigel. The wanting and yearning to be with him felt a little bit unbearable. I didn't even know if it was all in my head or he actually does feel something for me. Yet, I have let myself to feel this much emotions for him. I really really was setting myself up for pain and suffering. Why did I do such a thing? Why?

Why there has to be a Mrs. Gallagher? What a lucky woman. A surge of hatred went through my vein. It was pure jealousy and envy. Yet, then again I realized the fact that I am actually healthy and she's not. She may have been married to Nigel; however, I do have my Viking stove and I can cook my brains out and not being bedridden. Huh. This was a never ending of self pity and self preservation. How come love never comes easy to me? It's just never easy. Ever.

I spent the night googling Nigel Gallagher. I just wanted to know more about him, and about his wife. I have never even seen a picture of her. I was wondering whether she's beautiful. I was wondering how the woman Nigel married to looked like. I didn't find much about his wife at all. Actually, I didn't find anything on her. It was just about Nigel and his businesses. In fact, it seemed that Nigel is married to Derek Stearns, his business partner. Everything that came up was Nigel Gallagher and Derek Stearns this, and that. I was so engrossed in my research that I didn't realize I have spent hours in front of my laptop on the couch. I didn't feel any better. In fact, I was even more frustrated. Not to mention the fatigue that has set in. Even so, there was not a single picture online of Nigel and his wife. None.

It was so peculiar. I spent hours scourging the world wide web and the more I stalked him online, the more desperate I was. It was resulting zilch.

The more I feel for this guy, the more I feel I travel down south. I felt totally out of balance. I felt totally off kilter. There was no yin or yang.

Chapter 5

6 PM.

I was stretching in my office when I saw a glimpse of Nigel walking towards the front door. I quickly grabbed my phone and acted like I was talking on the phone. I would not know what else to say or do tonight. I wasn't sure I was able to hold out much longer if we would have more encounters. I told myself to play it safe. I didn't want to be obnoxious and I definitely didn't want to encourage it more than I already had. Don't get me wrong - I wanted that man more than anything. However at times, It wasn't just about what I wanted.

He stopped for a quick second, and he waved at me. I waved back at him and gave him a smile. Then off he went.

I quickly imagined if he would have gone to my office and asked me  to dinner. Would I love that? Oh my God, it would have been a dream come true. It would have been every single fantasy of mine coming to reality. Mh..no, maybe not every single fantasy. I definitely never dreamed that the day  Nigel Gallagher would ask me out would be the day when I dressed like a bum. I really dressed like hell today. What was I thinking? Victoria made fun of me today when I was flabbergasted earlier finding out that Nigel Gallagher was in the building.

"Oh my God, Vic.." I said. "He's here?" I said. "He's here today and Goddamn Frances didn't even let me know he would be coming!" I said.
"Atta girl, Frances." Vic said. "You didn't need to know his schedule." Vic said as she pursed her lips.
"Bullshit! Look what I wear?!" I said. "I mean look at me." I said.
"Yeah. I saw." She said. "I can't believe you're my friend." She said. "I'm embarrassed having you as my friend. I mean I'm embarrassed for you." She said and laughed.
"You can be such a bitch, Vic." I said. "And you're not helping." I said.
"Lighten up, Sabby." Vic said. "You know I was just kidding." She said. "Served you right though for having the gall to show up at work like that."
I was busy trying to fix myself a little bit more in front of the mirror in Vic's studio.
"Well, it's not too bad, right? I kinda have that shabby chic look." I said as I was pulling my sweater.
"Um, no honey." she said. "You don't. Just the shabby look." She added. I smirked and gave her what she deserved for being a smart ass.

She really let me have it. I would spend thousands on food though for the most part I do have an expense account for trying new places. Vic would spend thousands on outfits. I would not do that, not as much as she's able to shell out. We just have different priorities.

Come to think of it - why Nigel even bothers to flirt with me when there's a gorgeous creature like Victoria Perkins nearby. She's single and she won't want commitment. She has never been able to commit again since the days of Julian Dorsey and that was a long time ago. They were together long before my time of knowing Vic. I only caught the tail end of that relationship. Yet, Julian Dorsey is still a legend in Victoria's life. She still is in love with his ghost though at the same time she despises him to no end. Victoria still keeps her runway model body. Those long legs of hers and the perfect mannequin shape she possesses. She's got beautiful perfectly styled modern haircut that never goes out of place, perfectly long gargantuan lashes, perfectly graceful walk as she definitely always tries to give any of her Louboutins' justice. Why not Victoria? Why me?

I have a pale complexion with contrasting dark mane of my mother's. My eyes are also dark like my mothers though not quite that deep and pitch black. My dad's blue eyes perhaps helped adding a little tint of gray in my eyes. I only have short plain hair with some easy layers. I hardly put make up on. My nails are usually never done since I work daily with food. I wear a chef coat most days instead of the latest designer outfits. I eat and I have to work hard to keep my body somewhat in shape. I am definitely not like Xandra who can just eat a big buffet and has never gone up in size and stagnantly stays in size 4.

Watching Xandra eat the brunch at the Ritz Carlton a couple Sunday ago was an epiphany. That girl can put it away like nobody's business and how I envy her. She just can't get fat and that my friend - isn't fair in my book. Vic eats like a bird. She likes food but she doesn't like to eat - if that made sense. I mean she loves to savor food when she eats; but feeding time comes a few and far between. Vic is definitely not my eating friend. She complains every other day that she's light headed. Yeah, honey - that's your blood sugar dropping for not eating! Bobbie on the other hand, she eats and eats too, but she always eat good for you type food. I told her that I would go cave diving with her again if she would go with me trying Paula Deen's food. She said no thanks.

However, Xandra Williams, is my foodie friend and thank God I have at least one ally when it comes to food. Emma likes to eat too; but, she's in the burbs with two kids. At times it took a miracle to get her to come to the city on a week night to dine. Emma is the only one who doesn't have to work for a living; yet, she is busier than any of us. She always corrected us too when we said she's unemployed.

"You girls need to get it right. Just because I don't work in an office like you do anymore, it doesn't mean I'm not working. I hold the oldest profession known to mankind." She said.
"What is that?" Bobbie said naively. Bobbie and her Spanish accent. She's so cute and witty but at the same time she's so naive as she doesn't always get the American colloquial. Her favorite sentence is what is that. Her favorite word is Pardon.
"A mother!" Emma said. "What else, Bobbie?" Emma retorted.
"Oh." Bobbie said. "Mehh...I didn't know that's what you meant." Bobbie grunted.
"Mother is the oldest profession?" Victoria asked. "I thought it was whoring." She said.
"Yeah! Prostitute is the oldest profession!" I added. Bobbie at that point was holding her stomach as she was laughing out loud it hurt.
Emma was red in the face. "Oh Jesus, you all discounted the fact that I work my butt off at home being a mom, and now  you're telling me I'm a whore?"
"What??? we never said that." Xandra said. I shook my head.
"Total conjecture." I said. "We just disagreed with you about the oldest profession being a mother." I said.
"Being a mother is not a profession, Em." Vic said. "It's not salaried and you didn't barter your services for money - thus why it isn't a profession profession."
"Being a whore on the other hand, you do get money for service rendered. But we never said you're one." Xandra said. "You're not a whore, Em. You're just a soccer mom. Live with it."
Emma was pouting. "I was just trying to make a point that I work as hard as any of you. Thank you."
"Sure you do." I said. "No dispute on that. But being a mom is not a profession. It's a privilege." She started to smile. "It is, Sab." She said. "I love being a mom."
"So I guess you picked the right job. Not so sure if you would like being a whore." Vic said. "Not dressing like a nun like that anyway, you'd be one poor whore." We started laughing at Emma again.
"Takes one to know one!" Emma said and stuck her tongue.
Now we were all laughing at Vic. Vic retorted back.."I'm not a whore. I never take money for it." She said. "There."
"You should, might as well." Xandra laughed.
"Nuh, if I want to be in that industry, I'd be a madam.." Vic said. Her eyes titled upward and sparkled like she was actually imagining being a madam.
"Hey, if it isn't frown upon, I'd love to be a porn star." I said. "Wouldn't it be cool to just have sex for a living?"
"This conversation is going south quickly." Emma said.
"Mh, me too..I would love to be a porn star too" Bobbie said. "I can do some cool tricks. I can make my movie interesting." Bobbie said. Vic laughed and rolled her eyes.."Why, you're gonna do one when you do a chin up?" Bobbie gave Vic an evil eyes.
"No... but I can definitely do a chin up and go to town.." Bobbie said. I was laughing so hard imagining the crazy thought.

And...the conversation continued. It's always like that with my friends. We could talk about world peace at one minute, the next it would be south of the belly button. It's always about sex, sex, and sex. We women are as bad as the men. Who said only men like sex and only men can be raunchy. Imagine our bunch: an elegant ex model, a sophisticated fashionista, a ballerina, a wasp richy suburban housewife, and me talking about being a madam and porn stars. All of us are college grads too and our dream job was merely to become a porn star. Great. Too bad, it's frown upon with bad outlook but if not, it would really make a kick ass job. Literally.

I  told you I'm not a good Catholic. Neither are my friends.

We have been really good friends for quite some time. Some I knew less than ten years but it feels like we have known each other our whole lives.

Amongst the girls I've known Victoria the longest. We have been friends since our European time. We met in Paris at the restaurant where I used to work. Julian was a good good friend of the owner of the restaurant, Philippe. They dined there all the time and hung around a lot. Philippe introduced me to Vic since we're both Americans. We just hit it off right off the bat.  Those were happy times for Vic, being absolutely in love with the man of her dreams - the classic relationship between a model and a photographer. Vic was Julian's muse and she's always the object of his work for quite a long time.

I was there for Vic through her difficult break up with Julian. It was a horrible day. It was really really a horrible day. I remember vividly how Vic was so ready to be Mrs. Julian Dorsey. I was there in her bridal suite with her mom, and her sister, Kiki, helping her getting ready. Vic was radiant. She was so beautiful. I actually was envious looking at her. How could God be fair if he could create such a flawless person, and then there's me. She had been preparing for her wedding day for months. She couldn't be more ready. Her beautiful simple Valentino wedding gown was to die for. It suited her so much. You  think she would go big and grand.. Nope. Not Victoria. She's already larger than life, she didn't need a big gown for it. It was so flimsy soft and simple, and I thought she was just perfect. What lucky bastard Julian was.

I myself never really liked Julian that much. From the very first time I met him, something didn't feel so right about the guy. I just didn't like the way he looked at me. I also didn't like the way he talked to other girls. Vic didn't seem to care. Perhaps she was used to it since Julian was a photographer who worked with so many different girls - models. Perhaps she was numb and she could tell the difference when it was meaningful conversation or meaningless come on. I couldn't. I just didn't like it. When they were getting married, I was happy for Vic but was also worried for her. Vic idolized Julian. I could understand because Julian though not overly handsome, he was very charismatic. He's got an aura about him that just screamed that he was the shit. He's got that x factor, whatever you wanted to call it. Vic was totally into him and he took her under his wings.

I was happy for Victoria because she was head over heel in love and happy. That spring day in April 1998 was a gorgeous day in Paris. Vic was getting married at La Grande Cascade - such a beautiful venue for a wedding. I remember when I walked into the half circular dining room, my jaw dropped. I could envision a dream wedding for every girl in town. We were laughing as we were getting ready, drinking Krug Grand Cuvee! Oh that was such an awesome champagne! I could drink it all day! That is my weakness - I love champagne. I just love love French Champagne. I was totally buzzed when someone knocked on the door. I opened the door, and it was Julian. He wasn't dressed. He wasn't ready at all. His eyes were bloodshot. His breath stunk like alcohol. He smelled like sex. He was disgusting. I was actually laughing when I saw him as at that point, I was still a little oblivious about what was happening.

"Julian...what are you doing here?!" I said and laughed "Get the hell out of here. It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding!"
"Sabrina..I need to talk to Vicki." Vic hated it when he called her Vicki. In fact, Vic hates being called Vicki to this day!
"She's not  ready." I said and laughed..."Come on, Jules...go get...get!! get ready.." I said. "Go away.." I said. He pushed me to the side so hard that I hit the wall. I remember I felt the air was knocked out of me. I just stared blank for a minute. Kiki and Carol, Vic's mom came to my rescue. Vic stood to look at me. She had a smile on her face when she saw Julian and it quickly vanished from her pretty face. We were told to leave and closed the door behind us. When the door was opened again, Julian walked out slowly. He stopped to look at us. He didn't have much to say. He kept on staring at the floor and finally he said, "Je suis désolé." He said it so soft you could barely hear him. Then he left.

When we came in to the room. Vic was sitting in front of the vanity looking at the door. She was so still like a statue. There was no expression in her face. My heart sank and a single tear fell from my eyes. Her mom and sister came to her and gave her a hug and asked her what had happened. I knew what happened and I couldn't stand  to see her pain. I walked backward towards the door, and I left. I could hear her screaming in pain as I walked towards the reception area. I remember goose bumps were forming all over my skin. That gorgeous April day all of sudden became so shivering cold. 

When I went to the main hall where the wedding would have taken place, Philippe was there telling guests that the wedding was off. When Phillipe saw me, his eyes just went blank. He sighed so hard, and he came to me and hugged me. He started speaking French so fast I couldn't even pick up what he said. I just started crying for Vic. It was heartbreaking.

I didn't see Vic for a couple days after the incident. Carol told me she just wanted to be alone. After I left, Victoria ripped her gown off of her. Her thousands of dollars wedding gown was shredded into pieces. That Krug bottle was shattered on the floor. Carol and Kiki told me after the initial reaction, Vic did not utter a single word until the next day.

When I finally saw her again, she was still a mess. Her face was barely recognizable. Her eyes bulged out and puffed out from crying so much. She did not wanted to talk about it for awhile. However, the gyst of it was Julian wasn't ready to get married. He didn't think that Vic was the one and as time grew closer, the scarier it was for him to get married. Of course he also managed to sleep with other girls the night before their supposed wedding day. He didn't tell Victoria this, but I knew. I could smell it on him. I also pried Philippe to tell me the truth because he was with him the night before the wedding. 

I was actually glad that the whole thing happened because I knew Vic wouldn't have had the story book life she thought she would have with Julian. She would have suffered, and she would have gotten a divorce eventually. In a way, it was a blessing in disguise that the wedding never took place. What I regretted was what it did to Vic. I didn't think she's ever fully recovered from it. Because of that traumatic experience, Vic never really lets her guard down anymore. She can never seem to give her heart to anyone else either. Julian has been married twice by now. Vic stays single to this day.

Because of that traumatic experience as well however, I gained a friend for life. I tried to be there for Vic through the hard months after the break up. It was super rough for her. She didn't eat for awhile and lost tons of weight. She was skinny to begin with. She didn't work either. She was taking anti depressant and became a zombie for awhile. She was a mess. Vic said if it wasn't for me talking things through with her, she wouldn't be the person she is today. We spent a lot of time over meals to talk. Of course, I did that on purpose because I loved to eat and I wanted Vic to eat. I was rather successful. That was the only period when I saw Victoria actually ate a lot of food and gained some weight back. We definitely bonded through a lot of foie gras, cornichons, and casoulet.  After awhile, she finally lost her skeleton look. However, she really did it on her own. I couldn't really take credits. She lived through all the pains and fallouts that followed that day in April 1998. She was the one that deserved the credits because the gorgeous Victoria Perkins was not just a pretty face. She was a strong woman and she pulled her self back up. She left Paris when I went to Italy. She went back to Washington for awhile to be with her family and then she went to New York and started working again. She didn't stop since.

I have stories about each of my girlfriends. Without them, my life would be empty. I always wanted a sister. I hated my brother when we were growing up and I always longed for a sister. I wanted a sister I can talk to, cry with, dressing up with, and do all those fun girly stuff together. I've never gotten my wish of having a sister of my own; but, I gained four women I called friends who are like sisters to me. I couldn't imagine my world without them.

Vic is polar opposite of me. She's definitely very North if I'm going towards the South. Yet, through our differences and contrasting personalities, there's a magnetic force that pulled us close together. When I have my friends with me, no matter how far South I traveled in life, I knew I would never fall off the edge. Ever.

That - I know for sure to be invariant. That - I know I can always count on.

It's time to go home.

Chapter 4

Spending the afternoon in the kitchen watching my staff working with all kinds of heart shaped foods for the Valentine's theme made me sick to my stomach. The only people who love Valentine's day are those with significant others. Let's face it - the only person I know who is happily married is Emma. The rest of us, mh..not so much. I don't know too many people who love Valentine's day; however, I know tons who dread the coming of it, yet for another year. Me included.

I knew I had the authority to scrap the whole idea about doing a Valentine's theme food spread; but Jordan would not go for it anyway. He trumps me any day. I guess I understood the whole concept why we had to do it.

I didn't want to admit it to Victoria about my feelings for Nigel. I couldn't possibly admit that out loud that yes, I think I'm in love with Nigel Gallagher. Though she could see through me; but how ridiculous would that be if I admitted that I could be in love with someone just from tiny flirts, eye gazes, and suppressed sexual tension. Plus, also for the fact he lives in another state on top of it. Utterly ridiculous. I am so different from all my friends. Victoria and Xandra are such pessimists when it comes to love. Roberta, she's quite romantic but she can fool you easily. She wants all or  nothing - no in between. She doesn't settle and she prefers nothing than fraction of what she deserves. And Emma..... She's just damn lucky.

Compared to my other single friends, I'm the only one who has hopes and dreams about love. I still believe that love exists and two people can have a great life together loving each other endlessly. I believe we do have cosmic lovers that have been pre-destined to us. We live our whole entire life trying to find our other half. I do solemnly believe in that. Some are lucky to find theirs so quickly, and some may never be able to find that one person. I hope I will find mine. I hope it's just taking me that much longer. I don't want to die and never have the chance to feel that I am loved before I take my last breath.

Vic would say "We love you, Sabby." She would tell me that I have so many people who love me - all my friends, my mom and dad, and even my jerk of a brother, Marcus. Yet, it's not the same. It's just not the same.

The funniest thing is I know Nigel Gallagher will not be that person I've been searching for. He couldn't possibly be my cosmic destiny. However, I still spend and waste my heart and emotion on the guy. He's already found his cosmic lover. She may be sick, but I can tell that at least when she dies, she will feel fulfilled and loved.

Nigel couldn't possibly hide his love and emotions towards his wife. I could feel it every time he talked to me. She's his entire world. He might have had his own needs and a vacuum in his life. That's human nature of wanting to survive and get his needs taken care of. Yet, I could see the kind inner reflection of constraint. Thus why I perhaps admire him. I knew if he wanted things to happen with me or with anyone else, it could possibly have happened. Perhaps maybe not with me. However, perhaps I didn't know what values I would compromise for love. I have never put myself in that situation before. Though I have been dancing with the idea recently, I am really glad that my mom has raised me right.

There was time in the past when I couldn't care less. So what? Other girls slept with my husband. That didn't seem to stop anybody else  to sleep with a man that had my ring on his finger. Why should I stop? I may not have been a righteous upper caste woman; but, I am good-hearted middle class girl. Despite my bitterness and pain, I am afraid of my own karma.

My mom is originally from the island of Bali of the Indonesian archipelago. Sounds exotic? You bet it is. She's very exotic and beautiful. I wish I were half as beautiful as my mom. She's a tiny woman with long dark lush hair. She has dark dark eyes to a point you could never see her pupil. She's very striking, and very mystical. She always burns incense and prays in a very unconventional way. Her name is Ayu - which means beautiful in Indonesian. Her first name is actually "Made." It is pronounced "Maah Dea." She never uses it however because  the Americans always think to pronounce it as "made" like I made a cake. It drives her crazy. My dad, Arthur Sommerset, always called her "made" when they get into argument so he can add  the cherry on top and pisses her off some more. My mom speaks beautiful English but when she's mad - all kinds of foreign words will come out of her mouth.

My mom was raised as a Hindu. The Balinese people are predominantly Hindu though the rest of the country are Moslems. Yet, she converted to Catholicism for my dad and she raised me as a Catholic. I knew she never really fully embraced the Catholic faith - instead, she's very spiritual and she prays to whatever suits her way. I got this fascination of caste and Indian mythology from my mom. She would read me stories of the Bhagavad Gita and Ramayana when I was young. She believes in karma and always taught me do to others what you want others do for you. It stuck with me more than anything else. Hey, I'm a divorced Catholic. That said much about my Catholic faith. Yet, I feel so rich being taught so many different philosophies because at the end, I really don't think one belief had everything figured out. I'm glad I was exposed to various different ways of thinking and at the end, I became me with my good and my bad.

I became me and I talk endlessly about a caste society. I am obsessed for the fact that America is not a caste society yet it is still there and it doesn't transcend. You may not get stoned or burned at the stake for loving someone from a different caste - but you get burned anyway. Things don't really work out completely when you intermingled. It can only work out if you work hard at it, and persevere. You may find a joyful bliss, but you still have to deal with little prickly fire crackles that might sting your skin. It is a matter of you brush it off and wear long sleeve, or whether you will let your skin blistered.

Even in the underworld like the movie, Vampires and Lycans aren't supposed to intermingle and fall in love. Yet, when they did - a new species like a hybrid baby would be born and the hybrid would be more powerful and better than the predecessor. At times, people are just afraid of what comes next as they may outrank you. People tend to keep the others around you small so you can be big. What shame.

Thus why I love being in the middle where all the classes, the beliefs, the differences clashed and form something balanced. I have never had any wish to climb on top, but at the same time, I maintain a standard and will not stoop so low that I can't see myself in the mirror.

Though I feel this rich feeling of love and moisture in my panties every time I see his beautiful face gracing the frame of what my eyes see, I couldn't feel so ecstatic about Valentine's day and what could have been. That is because I want to wake up in the morning tomorrow and I can see my reflection in the mirror and feel my mom raised me right.

I know I may not find my soul mate, and I may grow old, weary, and jaded in my journey. However, I will be honored when my day come to a close I can rest in peace knowing that I have done it my way.

My mom struggles with the fact she is growing old. She told me what pits growing old and things don't work like they used to. She told me over and over again that - may you stay forever young. Then, she changed her mind and said "But you won't, so use your time right. Make the life you want for yourself." How she hated me when I wasted time trying to make things work with Peter. All the time I was afraid I was disappointing my parents for screwing up my marriage. My dad cried and cried for me and I knew he wanted to do nothing else than to shoot Peter in the head for hurting his little girl. Marcus, though he could be such a jerk to his girlfriends too and as bad as Peter if not worse, gave my cheating ex husband a broken nose and a concussion for cheating on me. I think Marcus loves me. He's my big brother and he always protects me though we're so different. He believes in a whole another way of thinking- nothing like our mom taught us. He believes in "Do as I say, not as I do." Lol. He will make a great dad someday.

I woke up from my long day dream and found myself in my production kitchen and saw the most beautiful cupcake my research chef, Jenna has made for the photo shoot.

"Wow, Jenna!" I said. "That's....that's gorgeous." I said with my eyes popped open. I was totally awed and alert looking at the beautiful cupcake.
"Why thanks, boss!' She said. "Let me brief you - it is a coconut cream cake with a touch of pink peppercorn with a light white chocolate ganache filling."
"Mh...interesting combination." I said. "The frosting?"
"Buttercream with rose water." She said. "Perfect for Valentine's Day."
"You bet." I said.
"Are you gonna eat it?" She asked. I looked at her and smiled. "Is this mine?"
"Yes, I made three more for the photo. I still have to treat it for the shoot." She said.
"oh good." I said. "I'll take a look." I said. "I'm gonna keep this for later." I said. "I'm sure it tasted good." I said. "I'm going to get a second opinion for this. " I said.
"Oh...don't give it to Victoria." Jenna said. "She can never appreciate it." Jenna said again. "She will tell you tips that will just ruin my day."
"Haha." I laughed. "Who said Victoria?" I said. "She's not getting this." I said. "Well good job, Jen."
"This one is dark chocolate with raspberry." She said. "Simple, but a lot of readers will and can easily make it for their loved one."
"Mh...still pretty." I said. "Ok, let's go check these out and let's shoot it." I said.
"ooohh.....I can feel love is in the air." Jenna said as she laughed. "I love Valentine's Day." She said.
"Glad you do cuz I don't." I said.
"How can  you not love Valentine's day??" She said. "It's roses, candies, cupcakes, and chocolate, dinner, sex.."
"..which none are going to be on my Valentine's." I said. "Thus.."
"Oh, Sabby...that's only because you didn't want them in it. You can have any man you want. You chose not to."
"Not any man, Jen." I said. "It can't be just any man."
"Of course not. I said any man you want." She said. I smiled.
"Thanks." I said. "But this is not about me." I said. "All I could say I'm glad you're in the spirit as I need you to."

She smiled and knew that it was time for her to bite her tongue. I took my job seriously and when I looked at the set for the cupcake photo shoot, I was actually somewhat affected and all of a sudden I didn't detest the whole idea. Jenna was right - Valentine's day is actually a great fake holiday to celebrate. Roses, candies, chocolate, cupcakes couldn't damper your day. I looked at my set and I felt pink and happy. It infused a shot of purely pink girly steroid onto my vein. For a split second, I wasn't turned off of the whole entire idea.

I  turned around, and Jenna screamed at me.."Where are you going?"
"I'll be right back. But proceed. I love it." I said.

I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared and stared. The next thing I did was reaching for my make up case and I put some blush on my cheek like a mad woman. I put liners under my eyes, and some lipstick. I ran my wet hands through my hair and fluffed it. I couldn't do much about my ugly sweater, but it wouldn't be about the sweater. I just had to be enough.

I went to grab the cupcake, and I marched to Nigel Gallagher's office. I didn't know what got into me, and Beverly saw me coming and she was about to open her mouth trying to stop me.

"I'll take five minutes, just dropping this off, Beverly." I said.
"But...he's on the phone.." She said.
I didn't pay any attention and kept on walking before I changed my mind. I popped my head into his office. He saw me. Nigel saw me and he was on the phone like Beverly said.

"Derek, I'll call you back." Nigel said. He hung up. He hung up on Derek Stearns for me. Derek Stearns, the other managing partner.
"I'm sorry, Nigel.." I said.. "I didn't mean to.." He smiled softly.
"No...no, Sabrina." He said. "It's quite alright." He said.
"I..uh...I was just going to drop this off." I said. "You didn't need to end your phone call." I said.
"Oh..wow." Nigel said. He looked at the cupcake. Then he cracked a little smile. "Wow, for me?"
"I want you to taste it. We are going to feature it on the Valentine's edition." I said and smiled.
"But, it's too pretty to eat." He said and grab the cupcake. "It's pink."
"It's for Valentine's Day, Nigel. " I said and laughed. I flicked my hair.

Oh geez, deep down I said to myself. Did I just flick my hair and tried to act sexy? I did, didn't I? I was so impossible. I was actually embarrassed of myself.

"Well, if it tasted half as good as it looked." He said and took a bite. "Mh..." he said. "Wow, that's good. I felt a tiny bite of spice."
"It's pink peppercorn." I said. "Not a lot though right? I'm pretty sure we didn't crack the berries but just infusing the flavor." I said.
"No..not at all. It was very subtle." He said as he took another bite. "Very well made." He said.
I smiled from ear  to ear. "But of course, I didn't expect anything less from you." he said.
"Jenna made it actually." I said.
"Jenna?"
"My research chef. " I said.
"Pardon me. " Nigel said apologetically. "I need to get better in knowing every body's name." In my heart I told myself it was okay, Nigel..just as long as you know who I am.
"Oh, I don't expect you to." I said. Nigel licked his lips for the frosting. When he looked up, I knew I didn't mean to do it too but I also licked my lips because I was totally imagining kissing him. He looked at me with that smiley eyes of his, and I felt like I had to go pee. Not because of a full bladder I must say. Oh my God, WTF.
"Uh...well, I won't bother you long." I said. "I'm glad you liked it." I said.
"You did not bother me at all, Sabrina." He said. "We can sell a lot of cupcakes if we don't sell magazines." He said. "That was fantastic." he said. "Did you give one to Jordan?" He asked.
"Nope." I said. "This is just for you." I said. I was totally flirting now.
"Ohh." he said sweetly. "I feel very very special." He said. I smiled...at this point, I knew I would totally embarrass myself if I stayed any longer.
"Well, I'm really glad you liked it." I said. "I better go." I said.

He seemed to want to prolong the conversation, but since I was anxious to leave, he let me go and he just stood there. He had a funny exasperated smile as he looked down watching the floor as I left. That was the sight I saw when I turned around to see him one more time as I walked out of his office.

I officially flirted and opened the door wide open for him. I didn't know why all of a sudden I did it. Especially when this morning I didn't want to do anything at all with Nigel especially after Victoria warned me. But I couldn't fight my feeling. At the very least, I didn't do anything wrong other than showing him that he matters to me. That was it.

Was I trying to convince myself I didn't do anything wrong? Was I trying to justify my action for hopelessly and stupidly flirting with a married man?

I went to the bathroom on my way back to the kitchen. I looked myself in the mirror. I wiped the lipstick off of me. I tucked my hair behind my ear. I paid close attention to whom I saw in the mirror. I felt a touch of pain inside me. I felt a touch of excitement. I didn't know whether the touch of pain was purely guilt or it was also a disappointment for a love that can not be.

Sadly when I left the bathroom, I had a big smile from ear to ear.

I felt the guilt. It's the Catholic in me. I felt it loud and clear. I shouldn't feel this guilty for giving a guy a cupcake. However, despite the inner conflict within me, I was grateful for that warm and fuzzy feeling I haven't felt for a long time, not after Jax left and not before Nigel came to the picture. All of a sudden, I felt alive and young for that moment. I felt like I was in high school and I just flirted with the hottest guy in school. This whole flirtation with Nigel felt like high school when you knew you had a crush on the guy and you couldn't do anything but just flirting ever so subtle.

Except in high school, none of the guys were married and you didn't feel this pang of guilt right after you flirted. I may not have been the righteous person I should have been in this situation. Yet, I hope I haven't stooped so low as to become the whore that sleep with a married man. I haven't found the center of this universe. I knew I still have a long way to go as I veered a little more south of the middle.

This is not the usual. Yet, at times you have to change in order to get a different result. I hope I could live with who I will become.

 

 

Chapter 3

I love lingerie. It is one of my favorite things to purchase. I remember it started when I was still dating Peter, my ex husband, back in my grad school days. I bought my first Victoria's Secret teddy on sale for $25. I bought it for our first Valentine's Day together. It was super sexy and lacy - Peter was out of his mind when he saw me in it. He couldn't wait to tear it apart and it didn't survive ten minutes on me. He actually ripped it he was so excited.

How funny. We used to have such a wild and tumultuous sex life. I didn't know where we went wrong but I had the love, the lust, the life in me with him. I think he just had the lust throughout our short marriage. In the end, he also lost the lust. But those days in the sac with my husband were one of the happiest moments in my life. I loved Peter with all my heart. I meant my vow with all my might. Our wedding day was a fairytale. Peter was so handsome and I was so proud to be in his arms. I was so proud that he was mine. I felt like I had it all. Not only did I score me a gorgeous man for a husband, he was also a successful young executive who drove a shiny black Maserati. When he walked away from our marriage, I felt my whole world crumbled upon me. All of a sudden I lost it all.

Yet, it's a story for another day. What I wanted to remember now was the lingerie. The soft satin lacy lingerie that never fails to make me feel sexy. At times, I miss dating just so that I have an excuse to wear it. I've been wearing my collection almost daily to bed. But then again, it's so sacrilegious that I have been wearing them to bed and it stayed on me all night long. That's just not right - for me and for the lingerie. Gosh, how I miss a man slipping his finger under the thin strap and let it fall down from my shoulder. How I miss feeling his strong hand replacing that strap on my neck as he caresses my skin softly, whispering sweet nothing to my ear. How I miss smelling that musky masculine scent, as goose bumps forming on my arms feeling his cleanly shaven cheek brushing my side softly. How I miss feeling his lips nibbling my ear in the next instant. I miss it like you wouldn't believe.

I never cease to love buying lingeries. It gives me  hope that someday I'll be wearing it for someone special, someone who will take it off of me and obliterate it to bits if he chooses. I stood there in my office kitchen as I was steeping my tea, totally daydreaming of Nigel taking off my lacy undies off of me. I remember when he told me in Napa how he couldn't imagine me in my undies to settle his nerve before a speech. Hahaha. Now, I was the one who totally thinking dirty thoughts about him doing the nasty with me. Yet, I felt so not sexy today in my roll-off-the-bed get up.

How didn't I know he would be in town? Nigel lives in New York City and he comes to Chicago only once in awhile for meetings or events. I don't get to see him very often at all and I wish I knew when he'd be in town. At least I would dress appropriately and presentably. I guess I could have changed and asked Vic's help. God knows she has enough wardrobes on loan in the Fashion Department.

I didn't know how the lingerie got onto my mind. After seeing Nigel in the hallway for a split second, it was enough to evoke  those sexy feelings within me. God, how I wanted him in my bed naked. I wonder if he felt the same way. Women's intuition always give you a good indication of who has a crush on you. You didn't know how you knew, but you just knew. I felt that vibe so strong from him. I knew he was trying to be professional since he happened to be my married boss. But he couldn't lie with his eyes. He couldn't lie with the way he talked to me. I loved it when I realized his eyes followed my move. I loved it when he laughed when I said something funny even though the others didn't. I loved it when he touched me when he talked to me. I loved all his  gestures. Yet, I really don't know for sure what he feels about me. I wish I knew.

But for what? Like Vic said - he's not available. I didn't know how Vic knew. I didn't know myself whether it is love what I feel for Nigel. Yet, it has given me this warm glow each time he entered my mind. It has given me a knot in my stomach every time my eyes caught the sight of him. It has given me such a pleasure in my ear when I heard his voice. My whole body responded to him supported with  strong doses of endorphin and pheromones all at once. It's just simply the best feeling in the world. The only other thing that could  top it is if we could actually consummate it and he feels the same way too.

Except for one big exception.

Mrs. Gallagher.

That woke me up and l looked at my over brewed tea. I quickly threw the bag away, grabbed the bagel, and walked back to the conference room.

My phone beeped. Oh...email.

From Nigel. Huh?

"Sabrina -
Ever heard of Goose Foot? Heard it's a good new restaurant in Chicago.

Nigel"

So, I replied...

"Nigel,
Yes, of course. What type of food editor would I be if I didn't know? I actually took my dear friend, Bobbie there to celebrate her scoring a role in the ballet of Don Quixote. It was quite good! Why did you ask? Are you planning to dine there? Let me know and I can arrange.

Sab"

I got to the conference room, and beeped...my phone again. It was Nigel again.

"Ah. I thought I was quite terrific if I could give you a lead. What do I know. What I did know was I have the best food editor working for my magazine. Your friend is a ballerina? That's WAY too cool."

Nigel Gallagher - the aristocratic English gentleman who lives in the Upper West Side of Manhattan just wrote me a line - "That's WAY too cool." I actually raised an eye brow.

So I wrote him back.

"Yes, she is. She's a marvelous dancer. I agree it's definitely WAY too cool. :)"

I don't get these back and forth chatters with Nigel. Don't tell me this wasn't flirty. He kept it simple and professional, but there was only one reason why he was doing it. The reason wasn't for professional reason.

I showed Vic his emails. Vic gave me an evil eyes.

"What did I tell ya?" She said.
"He wrote me first." I said. "I saw him in the hallway, and I didn't say a word except hi." I said.
"Don't  give me that look, Victoria." I said. "besides, it's innocent enough."
"That's where it all started, sweetheart." Vic said. "Believe me, I know." she said.

Vic should also be the love editor. Nuh, scrap that. She knows nothing about love. I'm actually the hopeless romantic amongst my friends. Vic might have a long list of experiences in her resume and references for relationships, dating, and heartbreaking - but love, isn't one of her forte. In fact, she is terrified by the chance she actually can be happy with just one guy.

Guys love Victoria. What's not to love like I said before? Most of them would feel so lucky if Vic even gives them a single gaze. She really has no business being in the background. She could be front and center. She was a model when she was younger. She did her share of runway jobs in Milan, Paris, and New York. But her first love was magazine. She quit early on to focus on being a fashion editor. She has so many contacts from her modeling days and she's done great for herself. The only thing she sucks at doing is to accept that it can be enough - that HE can be enough.

She constantly yearns to find someone who is better than her and will not settle for less. Yet, when she found someone that made her literally in the state of euphoria, she immediately would find something wrong with him. Next thing, it's over. It works so precise - just like clock work.

While here's me - I would just be so happy if I found one guy that would love me sincerely. I used to aim quite high too. Emma told me my standard was as high as Victoria when it comes to men. That's just so not true. I have lowered my expectations from year to year. Peter to me was right up there. He was a little better than me in everything. Sure thing - of course you wanted that in a partner. Someone who you can look up to and be proud of. Now, I just want someone at my level, as long as I don't have to carry him.

Emma thought I would only date hot guys. Funny because some of the guys I have dated recently I thought weren't that hot to begin with. They just became better looking to me after I fell in love with them. But my married friend, Emma Brent, disagreed.

"You think that's not hot?" She said. "He has a chiseled face." Emma said. "If I'm not married, I'll be glad taking your leftovers."
"Well, of course I think he's good looking. If not, I wouldn't be attracted to him. But that wasn't the reason why I'm dating him!" I said. "It wasn't because of his face." I said.
"Don't date a cop." Emma said. "It's too high risk. I don't care how great his personality is or how chiseled his body will be too under that uniform." Emma added. "I can't imagine if the door bell rang, and someone informed me that John is killed."
"Emma.."
"I wouldn't know what to do if that ever happens." She said.
"That will never happen." She rolled her eyes. "We're all going to die someday." She said.
"Glad you're realistic, but let's not talk about it today as it won't happen. Not today." I said.
"Don't date the cop." Emma said.
"Uh..Emma...I like Jax." I said. "I'm gonna have to take the risk." I said.

I still remember those days a couple years ago with Detective Jax Weston of Chicago PD. How I also had a great time wearing my la perla for my hot police officer and handcuffing him to my bed. But again, he hurt me royally. I should have listened to Emma. Though she was warning me for the fact I could have lost him from him getting killed on the job. Funny how life could twist everything. I lost him nonetheless, and not because he got killed. It was because he was a fucking prick.

Going up and down on the social ladder. I still don't know if I did it correctly, not aiming so high like Vic or just accepting whoever life brought to me and hoped for the best. I thought if you didn't aim too high and opened your eyes, you might be able to discover a diamond in the rough. We all need to give people a chance. Everybody deserves a chance even if they're not Brad Pitt. But at times, pricks are everywhere in the social ladder. There are plenty up there. There are plenty below. I should be safe in the middle. However, I seem to find the wandering pricks who are lost south of the middle.

Chapter 2

My heart stopped for a quick second. From the conference room's window, I saw a glimpse of Nigel Gallagher, our dashing handsome managing partner.

"Ahh.." I sighed without realizing it. He is just so handsome. He's much older than any of us. Sure, he's the managing partner of this establishment and several of our sister companies. He's actually not handsome in the classical fashion. There's just something about him that I couldn't put my finger on. He's about average in height - not too tall, and not short; about medium built. He dresses nice but not overly fashionable. He usually wears tailored suits with buttoned down shirt without a tie. I have never really seen him in anything more casual. Sure he would still look dashing. He still has a head full of hair though he has to be close to his 50s. He doesn't look it however; but, being that successful and being aware of his demeanor, I could tell he's older. Really...  - it's his eyes.

Those beautiful smiley droopy eyes of his.

"Stop staring at him." Victoria said. "He's married."
I didn't pay Victoria Perkins any heeds and kept on staring. Vic is the Fashion Editor and a crazy talented photographer. She's a great friend of mine. I wonder at times why these chicks at work are not just clamoring towards her and copying her. Why they still bother me. She has so many fans, friends, stalkers, you name it. But look at her. She deserves all the attentions. She's the goddamn Fashion Editor for pete's sake. I just eat and play with food.

Vic turned around, and saw me still in la la land. She drooped her shoulders in exasperation. She titled her head towards me as she snapped her perfectly manicured fingers.

"Sabby!" She said. I turned to see her.
"You need to stop staring at Nigel Gallagher."
I smiled..."I'm just looking at the menu." I said. "I didn't order anything."
"What am I gonna do with you?" Vic said. She started spreading some design layouts and pictures on the table.
"Shhh, Vic." I said. "People can hear you." I said as I closed the blind so that I couldn't enjoy his beautiful silhouette any longer.
"Excuse me? You think they won't find out from the way you gawk at him?"
"Oh..he started it." I said. "I never gave it a thought before he started flirting with me." I said. It was true. He started the whole thing - not me.

It was about four months ago at the Food and Wine Gala in Napa at the Chimney Rock Cellars when Nigel and I really started to bond. I wasn't sure whether it was the wine or it was other things. However, I wasn't drunk. Though I was happily buzzed, I was aware of everything that was going on.

We didn't do anything bad. Flush those smut thinking out of your head. I was raised Catholic, from a good God fearing Catholic family. Though I grew up to be not so good of a Catholic, I still know my rights and wrongs. I knew he's married and he's off limit. Yet, I couldn't shake the instant attraction. I have been working for Joie Magazine for six long years and Nigel was there since the first day I started. Yet, it was merely four months ago that I started to have butterflies in my stomach every time he decided to embrace my days.

He had to make a speech to all of us. He was standing next to me, drinking his wine when all of a sudden he turned to me and said:

"Don't tell anyone, but I detest public speaking." He said. I instantly laughed.
"You can't be serious." I said. He smiled and he shook his head. "I wasn't kidding." He said. "I do get nervous. My voice will quiver and I will make a fool of myself in front of everyone."
"Nigel." I said. "I saw you spoke in front of hundreds before. Many times." I said. "You did just fine."
His warm eyes stared straight to me and he smiled.
"Thank you, Sabrina." He said. "I tried my best." He said.
"Did I have to tell you to just imagine everyone in their underwear?" I asked. He looked at me, in a way a little naughty. Though I knew he was doing it to be funny and then, I realized what I was suggesting.
"I didn't mean me, silly!" I said. He laughed.
"Yep. That's sexual harassment waiting to happen." He laughed out loud. I laughed.
"Don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you." I said. "If it does the trick." I said. He smiled.
"It actually made me even more nervous. Imagining you in your undies.." He said. I reached his hand. I didn't know why I did. But I reached his hand. I squeezed it. I gasped when he squeezed it back and I saw that beautiful green eyes of his again. My heart just pounded out loud. I didn't know where that came!
"You'll do great, Nigel." I said. He nodded, and drank the rest of his glass as he walked towards the podium.

I dazed for several minutes after what happened. I just really didn't know what was happening as I felt funny all around. Gosh, I never realized Nigel Gallagher was so attractive. I never knew he's that humble and so vulnerable either. He always seemed to be the successful put together boss that every one looks up to. To have that humbling conversation with him made him seem to be more..somewhere in the middle. Just like me. I always regard him as one of the Brahmans. Well, because he is! He's a Brahman. However, the guy that just talked to me was ...definitely a Khsatria. Yeah, he's a prince charming alright.

Nigel  gave a  great speech and I laughed and smiled for him from afar. I was actually proud of him knowing his worries. He was a natural. Everyone was engaged and they clapped for him like  he's Rod Stewart. When he finished his speech, Jordan took the podium while Nigel took a step back. He looked up and he looked for me. I smiled at him. I gave him the sweetest smile I could give and I didn't plan it. The smile just sort of appeared on its own. He nodded for a quick second and he looked at me rather surprised, and he returned my smile with one from ear to ear. The crazy part was he looked shy about it. It was the cutest, sweetest, gentlest smile I've ever seen. My heart actually sighed deep inside.....aahhh. Ahhh.

If a person could pin point a blink in time when two hearts collided - that would be that time for me. I could honestly said that our hearts hit. I could feel it. I could so feel it.

Nigel and I continued to talk almost the whole night. I learned so much about him in that short time compared to the last five years working for him. I learned about his wife and her ailment. She's really sick. She's been been bed ridden with kidney disease for years. Though she got a transplant two years ago, her condition has not been improving. I could see the weariness in his eyes. I could also see commitment and love there too.

I knew I didn't belong  though I was enjoying the conversation with this beautiful man that I all of sudden adore. So, we said good night.

Yet, the days haven't been quite the same since that night in Napa.

"You really like him, huh?" Vic asked. I smiled. I shook my head.
"He's a sweet guy." I said. "He's our boss." I said. "I just adore him. But nothing more." I said. "I know my limit, Vic." I said.
"I just don't want you to do anything stupid." Vic said. "Not that I could see you do something like  that. You're too righteous."
"So, why were you yelling at me before?"I said.
"Cuz I knew, deep down you're fighthing your own feeling." Vic said. "I knew you actually have a lot of feelings for Nigel." Vic said. "I knew you too well, Sabby. I knew when you're in love."
"In love?"
"Be careful, honey." Vic said. "I don't want to see you hurt again."
"Oh..come on. I am not doing anything!"
"Do you know how hard it was for me watching you withering in pain last year because of Jax?"
"Oh..Vic.. Imagine how hard it was for me  being dumped royally by Jax." I said.
"I know..I know." Vic said. "It's just as hard for me. Cuz, I want you to be happy, Sab."
"So do I."
"Then, you need to start focusing your heart to someone that's available." Vic said. "Someone you can love." I just stared blank to the table.
"Nigel..Jax...those aren't the answer." Vic said.
"I'm good, Vic." I said. "I'm happy. I don't need any man for that." I said and smiled. "What I need is something to eat." I said.
"Here we go...changing the subject again." Vic said. I smiled.
"I think it's time for you to find another pair of shoes for that outfit." I said as I pointed to one of the photographs on the table. "That looked like shit." I said.
Vic smirked and said "Thanks. That's why you're not the Fashion Editor. Go stuff your mouth with a bagel and get fat."
"Ah! Great idea." I said.

As I walked towards the kitchen, I was hoping to avoid Nigel. I wasn't in the condition to entice anyone today. Though I didn't mean or purposely want to entice him, I still wanted to look good in front of him. Today wasn't the day for that. But no such luck. I ran right smack onto him.

"Sabrina." He said as he smiled.
"Nigel. How are you?" I said awkwardly.
"Just fine, thank you." He said.
"Great!" I said and I walked away towards the kitchen. I saw him standing there, confused. After having that come to Jesus talk with Vic, I just couldn't even stand there and make a conversation with him. Not looking like this especially. Deep down, I knew Vic was right. Though I found Nigel to be incredibly charming, I knew he's not reachable. Yet, he's within my reach. Yet, he's still so far. Here's a guy that descended from the pedestal up there and stooped  to my level. He's sweet, funny, with all those Brahmans qualities, yet he's meeting me where I'm at. He showed me his insecurities and vulnerability. It showed me despite his money, stature, and success, he's just human - like me. Still, I'm so south of the middle, when my prince charming came meet me in the center, I was still skewed to the side.

As usual.