I knew I had the authority to scrap the whole idea about doing a Valentine's theme food spread; but Jordan would not go for it anyway. He trumps me any day. I guess I understood the whole concept why we had to do it.
I didn't want to admit it to Victoria about my feelings for Nigel. I couldn't possibly admit that out loud that yes, I think I'm in love with Nigel Gallagher. Though she could see through me; but how ridiculous would that be if I admitted that I could be in love with someone just from tiny flirts, eye gazes, and suppressed sexual tension. Plus, also for the fact he lives in another state on top of it. Utterly ridiculous. I am so different from all my friends. Victoria and Xandra are such pessimists when it comes to love. Roberta, she's quite romantic but she can fool you easily. She wants all or nothing - no in between. She doesn't settle and she prefers nothing than fraction of what she deserves. And Emma..... She's just damn lucky.
Compared to my other single friends, I'm the only one who has hopes and dreams about love. I still believe that love exists and two people can have a great life together loving each other endlessly. I believe we do have cosmic lovers that have been pre-destined to us. We live our whole entire life trying to find our other half. I do solemnly believe in that. Some are lucky to find theirs so quickly, and some may never be able to find that one person. I hope I will find mine. I hope it's just taking me that much longer. I don't want to die and never have the chance to feel that I am loved before I take my last breath.
Vic would say "We love you, Sabby." She would tell me that I have so many people who love me - all my friends, my mom and dad, and even my jerk of a brother, Marcus. Yet, it's not the same. It's just not the same.
The funniest thing is I know Nigel Gallagher will not be that person I've been searching for. He couldn't possibly be my cosmic destiny. However, I still spend and waste my heart and emotion on the guy. He's already found his cosmic lover. She may be sick, but I can tell that at least when she dies, she will feel fulfilled and loved.
Nigel couldn't possibly hide his love and emotions towards his wife. I could feel it every time he talked to me. She's his entire world. He might have had his own needs and a vacuum in his life. That's human nature of wanting to survive and get his needs taken care of. Yet, I could see the kind inner reflection of constraint. Thus why I perhaps admire him. I knew if he wanted things to happen with me or with anyone else, it could possibly have happened. Perhaps maybe not with me. However, perhaps I didn't know what values I would compromise for love. I have never put myself in that situation before. Though I have been dancing with the idea recently, I am really glad that my mom has raised me right.
There was time in the past when I couldn't care less. So what? Other girls slept with my husband. That didn't seem to stop anybody else to sleep with a man that had my ring on his finger. Why should I stop? I may not have been a righteous upper caste woman; but, I am good-hearted middle class girl. Despite my bitterness and pain, I am afraid of my own karma.
My mom is originally from the island of Bali of the Indonesian archipelago. Sounds exotic? You bet it is. She's very exotic and beautiful. I wish I were half as beautiful as my mom. She's a tiny woman with long dark lush hair. She has dark dark eyes to a point you could never see her pupil. She's very striking, and very mystical. She always burns incense and prays in a very unconventional way. Her name is Ayu - which means beautiful in Indonesian. Her first name is actually "Made." It is pronounced "Maah Dea." She never uses it however because the Americans always think to pronounce it as "made" like I made a cake. It drives her crazy. My dad, Arthur Sommerset, always called her "made" when they get into argument so he can add the cherry on top and pisses her off some more. My mom speaks beautiful English but when she's mad - all kinds of foreign words will come out of her mouth.
My mom was raised as a Hindu. The Balinese people are predominantly Hindu though the rest of the country are Moslems. Yet, she converted to Catholicism for my dad and she raised me as a Catholic. I knew she never really fully embraced the Catholic faith - instead, she's very spiritual and she prays to whatever suits her way. I got this fascination of caste and Indian mythology from my mom. She would read me stories of the Bhagavad Gita and Ramayana when I was young. She believes in karma and always taught me do to others what you want others do for you. It stuck with me more than anything else. Hey, I'm a divorced Catholic. That said much about my Catholic faith. Yet, I feel so rich being taught so many different philosophies because at the end, I really don't think one belief had everything figured out. I'm glad I was exposed to various different ways of thinking and at the end, I became me with my good and my bad.
I became me and I talk endlessly about a caste society. I am obsessed for the fact that America is not a caste society yet it is still there and it doesn't transcend. You may not get stoned or burned at the stake for loving someone from a different caste - but you get burned anyway. Things don't really work out completely when you intermingled. It can only work out if you work hard at it, and persevere. You may find a joyful bliss, but you still have to deal with little prickly fire crackles that might sting your skin. It is a matter of you brush it off and wear long sleeve, or whether you will let your skin blistered.
Even in the underworld like the movie, Vampires and Lycans aren't supposed to intermingle and fall in love. Yet, when they did - a new species like a hybrid baby would be born and the hybrid would be more powerful and better than the predecessor. At times, people are just afraid of what comes next as they may outrank you. People tend to keep the others around you small so you can be big. What shame.
Thus why I love being in the middle where all the classes, the beliefs, the differences clashed and form something balanced. I have never had any wish to climb on top, but at the same time, I maintain a standard and will not stoop so low that I can't see myself in the mirror.
Though I feel this rich feeling of love and moisture in my panties every time I see his beautiful face gracing the frame of what my eyes see, I couldn't feel so ecstatic about Valentine's day and what could have been. That is because I want to wake up in the morning tomorrow and I can see my reflection in the mirror and feel my mom raised me right.
I know I may not find my soul mate, and I may grow old, weary, and jaded in my journey. However, I will be honored when my day come to a close I can rest in peace knowing that I have done it my way.
My mom struggles with the fact she is growing old. She told me what pits growing old and things don't work like they used to. She told me over and over again that - may you stay forever young. Then, she changed her mind and said "But you won't, so use your time right. Make the life you want for yourself." How she hated me when I wasted time trying to make things work with Peter. All the time I was afraid I was disappointing my parents for screwing up my marriage. My dad cried and cried for me and I knew he wanted to do nothing else than to shoot Peter in the head for hurting his little girl. Marcus, though he could be such a jerk to his girlfriends too and as bad as Peter if not worse, gave my cheating ex husband a broken nose and a concussion for cheating on me. I think Marcus loves me. He's my big brother and he always protects me though we're so different. He believes in a whole another way of thinking- nothing like our mom taught us. He believes in "Do as I say, not as I do." Lol. He will make a great dad someday.
I woke up from my long day dream and found myself in my production kitchen and saw the most beautiful cupcake my research chef, Jenna has made for the photo shoot.
"Wow, Jenna!" I said. "That's....that's gorgeous." I said with my eyes popped open. I was totally awed and alert looking at the beautiful cupcake.
"Why thanks, boss!' She said. "Let me brief you - it is a coconut cream cake with a touch of pink peppercorn with a light white chocolate ganache filling."
"Mh...interesting combination." I said. "The frosting?"
"Buttercream with rose water." She said. "Perfect for Valentine's Day."
"You bet." I said.
"Are you gonna eat it?" She asked. I looked at her and smiled. "Is this mine?"
"Yes, I made three more for the photo. I still have to treat it for the shoot." She said.
"oh good." I said. "I'll take a look." I said. "I'm gonna keep this for later." I said. "I'm sure it tasted good." I said. "I'm going to get a second opinion for this. " I said.
"Oh...don't give it to Victoria." Jenna said. "She can never appreciate it." Jenna said again. "She will tell you tips that will just ruin my day."
"Haha." I laughed. "Who said Victoria?" I said. "She's not getting this." I said. "Well good job, Jen."
"This one is dark chocolate with raspberry." She said. "Simple, but a lot of readers will and can easily make it for their loved one."
"Mh...still pretty." I said. "Ok, let's go check these out and let's shoot it." I said.
"ooohh.....I can feel love is in the air." Jenna said as she laughed. "I love Valentine's Day." She said.
"Glad you do cuz I don't." I said.
"How can you not love Valentine's day??" She said. "It's roses, candies, cupcakes, and chocolate, dinner, sex.."
"..which none are going to be on my Valentine's." I said. "Thus.."
"Oh, Sabby...that's only because you didn't want them in it. You can have any man you want. You chose not to."
"Not any man, Jen." I said. "It can't be just any man."
"Of course not. I said any man you want." She said. I smiled.
"Thanks." I said. "But this is not about me." I said. "All I could say I'm glad you're in the spirit as I need you to."
She smiled and knew that it was time for her to bite her tongue. I took my job seriously and when I looked at the set for the cupcake photo shoot, I was actually somewhat affected and all of a sudden I didn't detest the whole idea. Jenna was right - Valentine's day is actually a great fake holiday to celebrate. Roses, candies, chocolate, cupcakes couldn't damper your day. I looked at my set and I felt pink and happy. It infused a shot of purely pink girly steroid onto my vein. For a split second, I wasn't turned off of the whole entire idea.
I turned around, and Jenna screamed at me.."Where are you going?"
"I'll be right back. But proceed. I love it." I said.
I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared and stared. The next thing I did was reaching for my make up case and I put some blush on my cheek like a mad woman. I put liners under my eyes, and some lipstick. I ran my wet hands through my hair and fluffed it. I couldn't do much about my ugly sweater, but it wouldn't be about the sweater. I just had to be enough.
I went to grab the cupcake, and I marched to Nigel Gallagher's office. I didn't know what got into me, and Beverly saw me coming and she was about to open her mouth trying to stop me.
"I'll take five minutes, just dropping this off, Beverly." I said.
"But...he's on the phone.." She said.
I didn't pay any attention and kept on walking before I changed my mind. I popped my head into his office. He saw me. Nigel saw me and he was on the phone like Beverly said.
"Derek, I'll call you back." Nigel said. He hung up. He hung up on Derek Stearns for me. Derek Stearns, the other managing partner.
"I'm sorry, Nigel.." I said.. "I didn't mean to.." He smiled softly.
"No...no, Sabrina." He said. "It's quite alright." He said.
"I..uh...I was just going to drop this off." I said. "You didn't need to end your phone call." I said.
"Oh..wow." Nigel said. He looked at the cupcake. Then he cracked a little smile. "Wow, for me?"
"I want you to taste it. We are going to feature it on the Valentine's edition." I said and smiled.
"But, it's too pretty to eat." He said and grab the cupcake. "It's pink."
"It's for Valentine's Day, Nigel. " I said and laughed. I flicked my hair.
Oh geez, deep down I said to myself. Did I just flick my hair and tried to act sexy? I did, didn't I? I was so impossible. I was actually embarrassed of myself.
"Well, if it tasted half as good as it looked." He said and took a bite. "Mh..." he said. "Wow, that's good. I felt a tiny bite of spice."
"It's pink peppercorn." I said. "Not a lot though right? I'm pretty sure we didn't crack the berries but just infusing the flavor." I said.
"No..not at all. It was very subtle." He said as he took another bite. "Very well made." He said.
I smiled from ear to ear. "But of course, I didn't expect anything less from you." he said.
"Jenna made it actually." I said.
"Jenna?"
"My research chef. " I said.
"Pardon me. " Nigel said apologetically. "I need to get better in knowing every body's name." In my heart I told myself it was okay, Nigel..just as long as you know who I am.
"Oh, I don't expect you to." I said. Nigel licked his lips for the frosting. When he looked up, I knew I didn't mean to do it too but I also licked my lips because I was totally imagining kissing him. He looked at me with that smiley eyes of his, and I felt like I had to go pee. Not because of a full bladder I must say. Oh my God, WTF.
"Uh...well, I won't bother you long." I said. "I'm glad you liked it." I said.
"You did not bother me at all, Sabrina." He said. "We can sell a lot of cupcakes if we don't sell magazines." He said. "That was fantastic." he said. "Did you give one to Jordan?" He asked.
"Nope." I said. "This is just for you." I said. I was totally flirting now.
"Ohh." he said sweetly. "I feel very very special." He said. I smiled...at this point, I knew I would totally embarrass myself if I stayed any longer.
"Well, I'm really glad you liked it." I said. "I better go." I said.
He seemed to want to prolong the conversation, but since I was anxious to leave, he let me go and he just stood there. He had a funny exasperated smile as he looked down watching the floor as I left. That was the sight I saw when I turned around to see him one more time as I walked out of his office.
I officially flirted and opened the door wide open for him. I didn't know why all of a sudden I did it. Especially when this morning I didn't want to do anything at all with Nigel especially after Victoria warned me. But I couldn't fight my feeling. At the very least, I didn't do anything wrong other than showing him that he matters to me. That was it.
Was I trying to convince myself I didn't do anything wrong? Was I trying to justify my action for hopelessly and stupidly flirting with a married man?
I went to the bathroom on my way back to the kitchen. I looked myself in the mirror. I wiped the lipstick off of me. I tucked my hair behind my ear. I paid close attention to whom I saw in the mirror. I felt a touch of pain inside me. I felt a touch of excitement. I didn't know whether the touch of pain was purely guilt or it was also a disappointment for a love that can not be.
Sadly when I left the bathroom, I had a big smile from ear to ear.
I felt the guilt. It's the Catholic in me. I felt it loud and clear. I shouldn't feel this guilty for giving a guy a cupcake. However, despite the inner conflict within me, I was grateful for that warm and fuzzy feeling I haven't felt for a long time, not after Jax left and not before Nigel came to the picture. All of a sudden, I felt alive and young for that moment. I felt like I was in high school and I just flirted with the hottest guy in school. This whole flirtation with Nigel felt like high school when you knew you had a crush on the guy and you couldn't do anything but just flirting ever so subtle.
Except in high school, none of the guys were married and you didn't feel this pang of guilt right after you flirted. I may not have been the righteous person I should have been in this situation. Yet, I hope I haven't stooped so low as to become the whore that sleep with a married man. I haven't found the center of this universe. I knew I still have a long way to go as I veered a little more south of the middle.
This is not the usual. Yet, at times you have to change in order to get a different result. I hope I could live with who I will become.
