I glanced at my phone on my kitchen counter. A splash of hope passed through my brain hoping that it would be Nigel on the other line.
Nope.
I saw the picture of Roberta's very muscular calf on the phone. I love that shot I took of her. I took it at one of her ballet recitals last year. She looked spectacular when she was doing an adage and I happened to snap my camera at the right moment focusing on her foot. Her foot looked so strong and graceful. Her posture and her muscle definition on her legs were astonishing. If she could posses this much grace only on her lower limbs, I couldn't imagine what she possesses in her entirety. At that moment I was mesmerized and humbled by my friend, Bobbie. I since used that photograph for her ID picture on my phone. It is a constant reminder for me that if all fails in the world of men, I will go after Bobbie with all my might and plea for her hand in marriage.
I will so go after Bobbie if I were a lesbian. Vic said the same thing. Tough, Victoria has to fight me tooth and nail before I give up Bobbie sincerely.
"Hey Ro" I said as I answered the phone.
"Hey." She said. "What are you doing?"
"Making dinner."
"Anything good?" She asked.
"Good as in..steak and foie good?"
"No." She said. "Good as in Quinoa and beets salad good."
"Uh...I think you knew the answer." I said.
"Yeah." She said. "Figured. I should have known better."
"You should have." I said and laughed. "But, I'm not making steak and foie either." I looked at my ingredients on the kitchen counter. All I had were some Roma Tomatoes and anchovies. I was making some simple spaghetti puttanesca.
"So what's for dinner?"
"Guess."
"What do you have to cook?"
"Tomatoes and anchovies." I said.
"Hahaha." She laughed out loud. "You're not eating very well tonight. But sure you will turn them into something good."
"Sure I will."
"I don't know what...but...I have faith in you."
"Thanks, Ro." I said. "Puttanesca." I said.
"Ah...hooker's food." She said. "You should make that for Emma."
"Hahaha...not again with the hooker talk." I said. "Hey, but...what's with Vic? Who is she seeing now?" I asked.
"You're asking me? You see her more than me, Sab."
"She didn't say." I said.
"Why you asked?"
"She was gone so quick today. She didn't even say good bye. From the looks of it, I knew she had a date."
"She always has dates. What's new."
"I know." I said. "I wish I had one."
"What? A date? Go get one." Bobbie said. "I don't get you. You could just go out with Vic and you can get a guy in a snap. Why are you even whining about not having a date! Seriously, what have you done to get one?"
"I'm...uh, a little preoccupied right now."
"Seriously, Sab...seriously?" Bobbie snapped at me sarcastically. "Why are you wasting your time thinking about the married boss? I mean...Dios Mio!"
"I can't help it." I said. "You know, he was in the office today and I totally didn't know. I dressed like crap. Oh I was so mad! I was totally shocked when I saw him in the office."
"Oh." Bobbie said. "Did he still pay attention to you?"
"Yeah. He actually did."
"Then he actually is really into you as a person than just a piece of ass. That made him even more dangerous, Sabrina."
"I never thought for a second he sees me as a piece of ass. If he just wants that, he'd go for Vic in no time. Vic would have been perfect. Whether Vic would go for him is another story."
"Vic wouldn't go for married man. She's not that picky, but she won't go for a married man."
"I know she won't." I said. "Ugh, she was on my case all day about Nigel and about him being married."
"Why? It doesn't bother you that he's married?"
"Of course it does." I said. "But other girls never seemed to care about my husband being married." I said.
"But you're not other girls, Sabrina." Bobbie said.
"At times I wish I were just like other girls."
"You don't mean that." Bobbie said.
"I wish he's not married then." I said.
"Mh....but he is." Bobbie said. "Anyway..I called because I want you to try this coffee I got from Ethiopia. I got it from this purveyor and it's amazing." She was totally changing the subject. I knew she loved me but this whole thing about me lusting over a married man didn't sit well with Bobbie. So, I obliged and moved on to the coffee subject.
"Oh, sweet. I have to work really late tomorrow." I said.
"Perfect." Roberta said. "I'll stop by and keep you up."
Roberta and I love to drink coffee late at night. For some reasons, caffeine never bothers us. I love drinking coffee in the wee of night.
We talked for a little bit longer until she had to go on stage. She was in intermission and was still able to carry on a conversation. If I were her, I would be so focused and I wouldn't be able to multi-task the way she did. However, I am not Roberta.
Roberta is a little fire-cracker and super woman. She can do so much and she's been really blessed her entire life. Unlike Vic and I who have gone through heartaches and pain, Roberta seems to always have that joie de vivre. Funny, she should be the one working for Joie Magazine since she would make such a better representation compared to me and Victoria.
She has a great career and an incredible talent as a ballerina. She speaks so many different languages and so apt with little trivia. The kicker is, she had a second degree in math. I mean, math? A ballerina with a math degree? Come on!! Plus, she has a boyfriend that loves her. Sam is a doll. He's a handsome pilot and quite a bit younger than Bobbie. I often imagined the fun they had in the bedroom, though at times, I really didn't have to do much imagining as Bobbie would tell me specifics. Too much information at times. However, I would call it lucky any day for a woman in her thirties, being in her sexual prime, to have a 28 years old stallion in her disposal. When I think about it, I often want to get down on my knees and start worshiping her.
Bobbie often complains though for the fact Sam is always working and out of town. He's a pilot. What does she expect? Not fly? From my eyes, I thought things are just perfect with them. Yet, things are never perfect. We never can be grateful that what we have is simply enough. I know what I have isn't enough. Yes, I have a great career, a good talent, a great place to live, great friends I love, a sub-zero refrigerator, and a viking stove. Do I find this enough? No! It's not enough. I want a man who loves me on top of everything else. I want maybe a couple gorgeous kids who call me mom. I also want a Ferrari 458 Italia while I'm at it and body like any of the La Perla lingerie models. Then, perhaps it will be enough. Perhaps not.
Though I want all that. Right at this moment, I would trade all I have for Nigel Gallagher. I would trade all that for Nigel not being married. I would trade all I have for a chance to know how it would be to kiss him and lay in his arms. I would trade all I have to wake up next to him in the morning.
A sense of stinging pain in my heart permeated all over my body. It was funny to realize that I have let myself to feel this much for Nigel. The wanting and yearning to be with him felt a little bit unbearable. I didn't even know if it was all in my head or he actually does feel something for me. Yet, I have let myself to feel this much emotions for him. I really really was setting myself up for pain and suffering. Why did I do such a thing? Why?
Why there has to be a Mrs. Gallagher? What a lucky woman. A surge of hatred went through my vein. It was pure jealousy and envy. Yet, then again I realized the fact that I am actually healthy and she's not. She may have been married to Nigel; however, I do have my Viking stove and I can cook my brains out and not being bedridden. Huh. This was a never ending of self pity and self preservation. How come love never comes easy to me? It's just never easy. Ever.
I spent the night googling Nigel Gallagher. I just wanted to know more about him, and about his wife. I have never even seen a picture of her. I was wondering whether she's beautiful. I was wondering how the woman Nigel married to looked like. I didn't find much about his wife at all. Actually, I didn't find anything on her. It was just about Nigel and his businesses. In fact, it seemed that Nigel is married to Derek Stearns, his business partner. Everything that came up was Nigel Gallagher and Derek Stearns this, and that. I was so engrossed in my research that I didn't realize I have spent hours in front of my laptop on the couch. I didn't feel any better. In fact, I was even more frustrated. Not to mention the fatigue that has set in. Even so, there was not a single picture online of Nigel and his wife. None.
It was so peculiar. I spent hours scourging the world wide web and the more I stalked him online, the more desperate I was. It was resulting zilch.
The more I feel for this guy, the more I feel I travel down south. I felt totally out of balance. I felt totally off kilter. There was no yin or yang.
