Chapter 20

Nigel purposely made a point by not talking to me just to show me his opposing opinion about my decision for keeping it on ice. A week has passed and I didn't hear one single word from him, not a peep. Now he went out of his way to let me know that it's definitely on ice, all right.

I don't know...I don't know. I didn't want to think I was saying everything in words only. I had to mean it. I did mean it. I didn't want to continue seeing him when he's still married. I didn't want to be kissing some other woman's husband. It was bad enough already that I did that. I couldn't possibly continue doing it when I knew it was wrong.

Yet, my heart has been torn apart from missing him. I have missed him so so much. I thought he would let me know when he got back home whether he had arrived safely. However, I have not heard from him at all. It's Valentine's Day today and I woke up this morning feeling like shit knowing how this day would make me feel. Nigel would probably spend the day with Marcy. I could only sigh thinking about that picture I had on my head. Yet, that's how it should be.

I felt my jaw was so tight. I must have been clenching my jaw all night. I rubbed both of my cheeks to ease the discomfort. Then, I remembered how it felt to have both of Nigel's hands on my cheeks as he kissed me. I stood there frozen, thinking how happy I was when he was here two weekends ago. Time has passed, yet I could still picture him here, so vividly. I've tried my damnest to let it go and to forget the time we shared. However, I knew those moments would be with me for the rest of my life. I couldn't stop seeing his face in every place.

I have asked Emma to call Nigel to check on him this weekend after yoga. She wanted to ask me further about Nigel and me but I kept whatever happened that weekend to myself. Doing Bikram Yoga in the weekend with Emma helped me to sleep. It was great to sweat it out and got all the toxins out of my system. I felt like maybe it was great to sweat all my guilt out too. It felt like hell being in that room that was heated to 105 degree Fahrenheit as we practiced yoga for an hour and a half. Once done however, it felt like heaven. You felt like you accomplished something big, surviving an hour and a half of hell.

"Why didn't you call him yourself?"
"I thought you told me that you didn't approve of me talking to him?"
"I don't..but...what happened?"
"Nothing happened. I did what you told me... I told him we shouldn't talk. Now, he's making a point by not talking to me at all. Happy now, Em?"
"If things are different, I'll be the first one to tell you how happy I am for you and Nigel." Emma said. I turned to see Emma and smiled a little.
"I think you two made a cute couple." She said.
"Why really?" I said. "Well, that would never happen anyway."
"If only Marcy would drop dead already." Emma said. "Oh, I couldn't believe I just said that."
I frowned a little.. "Nigel did say you don't care for Marcy."
"I sure don't." Emma said.
"How come? Nigel wouldn't tell me. He said I needed to ask you."
"She had two abortions without telling Nigel." My jaw dropped to the floor.
"Two?" I said. "He didn't know?"
"He knew now."
"And he didn't divorce her?"
"He didn't find out until she got really sick."
"How did you know, Em?"
"She had it done in London. I happened to be there staying with at Nigel's house for a couple of days before going home to Sutton. I overheard her on the phone making the arrangement."
"You then told Nigel?"
She shook her head. "I didn't think it was my place. I went to see Marcy in the hospital when she was really really ill. Nigel told me then and I told him I kinda knew. Then he got so mad at me too. Yet, then he realized why I was not friendly to Marcy for years."
"I wonder why he wouldn't tell me himself.." I was musing thinking about it.
"Sore subject." Emma shrugged her shoulders. "It was hard for him to talk about. He probably didn't want to talk about his dead babies with you."
"I suppose." I said, still a little shocked. "Poor guy." I said. Emma nodded.
"But he seemed to be so in love with her." I said. Emma looked at me...
"To me, he seems to be so in love with you."I looked at Emma's eyes.
"First time we talked in a more personal tone, I sensed that he's very devoted to Marcy."
"Oh, of course he was. Still is I hope. He's a very good husband to her. More than she deserved. Nigel loved Marcy as his wife and for years he was head over heel for her. Was she the perfect match for him? Absolutely not."
"I think he's a beautiful person, Em." I said.
"Yeah, but as long as he still has that ring on his finger, Sab...he's off limit." Emma gave me a look. "I don't like Marcy a whole lot, but she needs her husband."
"You don't have to tell me, Em." I said. "But for the record, he didn't wear his ring anymore."
I stuck my tongue at her and ran the opposite direction before she would hit me.

Emma told me Nigel arrived safely in New York and he was fine. She didn't elaborate about anything else. I thought that was fine as long as he got to New York fine. However, it drove me absolutely insane not hearing from him for over a week now. I kept on staring at my phone hoping for a call or a text. Each time, I was disappointed.

The only thing that has been saving me was preparing for the audit. I kept myself really busy trying to tidy up and button up everything. I have received email straight from Eric with copy to Derek and Nigel that the audit will commence tomorrow. I had hoped for Nigel to reply in the string of emails so that I had an excuse to talk to him. Yet, he did not even make a comment about it at all. Nothing!!!

I have been really getting the taste of my own medicine. It has been extra hard to know that he's ignoring me. I knew it would have been harder if we continued to talk. I really didn't know which one would be better.

When I got to my office however, I found a beautiful bouquet of Gardenias, Calla Lilies, Hydrangeas, and Orchids on my desk. I stopped as I walked in the door to my office when I saw that. Frances was behind me and she excitedly said...

"You got a secret admirer, Sabby!"
I turned to see her... "Secret admirer?"
"I checked...the card just says..'Happy Valentine's Day, Darling'...gosh, sounds so romantic."
My eyes watered instantaneously. I knew it was Nigel. He didn't talk to me since he left town, and then he sent me an ultra beautiful bouquet filled with my favorite flowers. The Gardenia scent permeated throughout my entire office.
"Sab, the scent of the flowers smells like you." Frances said. "When they delivered it, I thought it was you coming." I smiled.
"My perfume is Gardenia... these are Gardenias here." I said as I showed Frances the flowers.
"Ah...made sense. So this guy knows you. Do you have an idea who he is?"
"Not a clue." I said.

After Frances left my office, I closed my door and I sat there staring at the flowers from Nigel. I didn't know what I was feeling inside. I was flabbergasted in the beginning. Then, I was confused and sad. Yet, in the end, I was pretty sure it was happiness. I was really happy getting a sign of life from Nigel, and happy that he thought about me on this supposed day of love.

I contemplated for an hour or so whether to call him or not. I decided then to just go for it and ring him. He didn't answer, however. My heart just got heavy so quick when I heard the recording of his voice on his voice mail greetings. I hung up. I didn't know what to say to him on a recording.

Then, I thought I should send him a text to thank him. So I did.

"Thank you so much for the beautiful flowers. The gardenias smell so nice. Happy Valentine's Day to you, Nigel."

I stared at it hoping for a reply. Nothing. I looked at it to check every five minutes and the phone stayed quiet. I was a little upset thinking about what game he was playing with me. I could stand the coldness. I knew after awhile, coldness would numb me. However, dealing with hot-cold hot-cold, you'll crack in no time. People even get sick when the temperature changes from cold to hot or hot to cold.

I was lost in thoughts when I heard a knock on my door. I looked up and it was the devil himself, Eric Phillips.

"Morning, Sabrina."
"Hello." I said.
"Happy Valentine's Day." He said and smiled. I looked up to him, and I couldn't say that he wasn't handsome. I gave him a slight smile.
"Likewise." I said.
"Just saw the Valentine's spread you had this month. Excellent." He said as he came in and sat on one of the chairs.
"Yeah...thanks." I said and smiled. "I was proud of that. It turned out well despite my lack of affinity for Valentine's Day." I said.
"Not a fan?" He asked and smiled.
I shook my head back and forth as I wrinkled my nose. He stared at me for a little bit, not sure why.
Then he just smiled. Eric Phillips is such a charming man. He probably couldn't understand how come I could dislike him so much.
"I see that you got nice flowers there." He said. "Wow! Those are real nice." He said. I smiled.
"Thanks."
"Boyfriend?" He asked.
"No. It wasn't signed." I said. "I don't know who it's from."
"Uh.." He said. "I think you have a secret admirer."
"Doubt it. Probably just my friends doing practical joke on me."
"That's a nice practical joke though." Eric said.
"Yeah...you're right. So, that couldn't be." He laughed. God, he was actually nice today. Why men are so unpredictable?
"Why are you here? What can I help you with?" I asked.
Eric was a little taken aback with what I said. He said then..."Okay... you're so direct."
"Is there a problem with that?" I asked.
"Nope." He said. "Good here..." he said. "Just want to touch base for tomorrow."
"Come whenever. You can send them in. I'm ready. It is what it is, right?" I asked.
"You're right." He said. "It is what it is."

We talked for a little while longer about the audit. I was a little tense and defensive on my part. I knew it and I was fully aware of it. However, I couldn't change my attitude towards him or the audit. The whole notion pissed me off. As he walked out, Victoria walked in. Eric just gave Vic a nod and he didn't really pay her any attention other than that. Vic, on the other hand, was ogling Eric. I just shook my head watching her behavior towards men. She is a man eater.

"You know, Eric is really hot." Vic said.
"And he knows it." I said. "I don't know what is the fuss about him." I said.
"He's just a sharp looking guy." Vic said said as she's smiling.
"Asshole." I said.
"He's not a bad guy." Vic said. "he's really smart and charming."
"Wait until he comes to tell you he's auditing you. Let's see how charming he is then." I said.
"You know...he's one guy that never makes a pass at me." Vic said thinking...
"Why, Nigel did?"
"No, but that's different. Nigel's married." Vic said. "Which by the way, what is he doing sending you flowers?"
"It's not from him. It's not signed." I said.
"Oh come on.. it has Nigel Gallagher written all over it even if it's not signed."
"What??" I said confused.
"Guys you dated in the past wouldn't spend that kinda money on flowers." I shrugged my shoulders...
"Peter would." I said.
"Peter was your husband." Victoria said. "He better would. I was talking about Jax." Vic said. "Remember last year you got a box of roses he purchased online for $29.99?"
"It was the thought that counts." I said.
"And the penny." Vic said.
"I couldn't believe you remember." I said. "Even I forgot." Victoria made a face that even looked ugly on her pretty face. That was rather peculiar.
Then Vic said to me out of the blue... "I think I'm gonna ask Eric out."
"Ugh.... why would you do such a thing?"
"I'm curious." She said. "I don't understand why he doesn't seem interested."
"It's because he's only interested in himself." I said.
Vic just frowned a little. "Mh....I'm going to work on him. He's  going to find me irresistible."
"Must you conquest every man around?"
"Mh...why not?" Vic said and smiled. "He's not exactly a bad catch."
"He's not a guppy either that you catch and release."
"Hey..who knows... Maybe I just want to catch him."
"Gooood luck with that." I said sarcastically.
 "Nuh... don't need  good luck with men." She said. "Just a vagina."

I was going to ask her about the doctor she took home from Emma's party. Then, I changed my mind realizing that her attention was already shifted to Eric Phillips now. She found a new target and challenge.

Setting everything aside, my mind, heart, soul, and mood were affected by the fact that Nigel has not even responded to my text. It was crazy how he affected me so much in so many different ways. The only thing I hate about having the opposite sex being in my life was these games we always play.

Well, the day was still young then. The sun was still somewhat in the East. I think I was there too in the East rather than South.

Chapter 19

We ate breakfast quietly. The time that we spent together at the breakfast table felt so natural; even though it was evident that we both were lost in our own thoughts about what was looming in front of us. It's like he sat beside me and things just felt right. I took a glimpse towards him and I could picture myself spending eternity having breakfast with him every morning of every day of my life. There was nothing strange about him being in the picture despite our circumstances and despite that was the first time he was ever inside my apartment. It felt like he's supposed to be there all along.

At times I felt like my mind playing tricks on me. Though I felt that he has become a big part of me overnight; sadly,  I am a pro in the matter of the heart. I should say  I am a pro in dealing with a broken heart. Through my past experiences breaking my own heart, I wouldn't let myself drown in the melancholy of what's not going to happen. It took a lot of years and many gallons of tears to know how to keep an expectation in check. Yeah, sadly I had too many runs on this matter.

Despite of what I wanted all along with Nigel, I also knew all along that he wasn't mine to have. Though he told me that his heart belonged to me, in reality - it didn't really matter, did it? I made him mine for one night and it was one night more than I had expected. At times, I didn't know where did I get the strength to live up to all the rules. At times I hated the fact that my mom and dad's noisy chatters about "doing the right thing for the greater goods exceeded your own well-being" still resonates in my ears to this day. Do I know how to sacrifice something for others? Sadly, that's what I am good at. I'm better at doing things for others than doing things for myself. That's me. That's Sabrina Gilmour, the fool who thinks that being a nice girl is okay and she won't finish last.

Nigel looked beautiful sitting there reading the Sunday paper as he sipped coffee and ate the fritata. One thing I loved about him was he didn't shower me with compliments for my food. In fact, he didn't say a word. He chewed and enjoyed it, and he went for more and more. That made me smile. That totally earned brownie points with me. Man, God really made this man for me but gave him to the wrong person.

"How's the fritata?" I asked him as I was curious of what he would say. He kept on chewing and he just nodded and nodded as he read the paper. I chuckled a little.
"Good?" I asked. He nodded again, but this time he turned to see me.
"Terrific." He said. "Reminds me of tortilla de patatas."
"Same thing." I said and smiled. He nodded and kept on chewing enjoying his meal.
"Good job." He said nonchalantly as he took another sip of his coffee.
"Look at this.." He said as he showed me an article on the newspaper. It was a review of the Don Quixote ballet.
"Bobbie is in the cast." I said and smiled. Nigel nodded. "I know..I met her yesterday briefly."
"Isn't she pretty? You have to see her in the show... breathtaking." I said and smiled.
"She must be very good to be playing Dulcinea."
"Is that what she told you?" I asked. "She is playing Sancho Panza."
Nigel laughed out loud. "Sabrina, that is not very nice thing to say about your friend." I laughed too.
"You don't know Bobbie very well, but she would consider it a challenge if she was offered Sancho Panza role."
"That would indeed be a challenge." Nigel said as he laughed.
"Nuh, Bobbie can do anything." I said and smiled.
"You have quite a close knit circle of friends." Nigel said.
"I am lucky that way. I can't imagine life without them."
"Who are you closest to?"
"Mh... I can't say one person in particular." I said. "They all have their own specific function in my life." I said. "I know Victoria the longest and we work together, so I see her the most." I said.
"How about Emma?"
"Emma is like a big sister to me." I smiled. "Though she's about the same age as me." I laughed. "She likes to give me advice because she thinks I'll screw things up."
"Like with you and I.." Nigel said as he nodded his head.
"Yep." I said. "You know."
"Emma and I go way back." Nigel said.
"Does Emma know Marcy well? That's probably why she's so hard on me the other day?"
"Emma hates Marcy." Nigel laughed.
"How come?"
Nigel shrugged his shoulders. "Ask Emma." Nigel smiled.
"You won't tell me?" I asked and poked his stomach.
"Nope. You have to ask Emma."
"Fine, I will."
"Okay... Bobbie and Xandra I only have met them yesterday." Nigel said.
"Bobbie and I get along well. We're more friend in a true sense." I said. "We talk a lot and she's my coffee buddy." I said. "Xandra likes to eat, so she's my foodie friend. We go out to eat and spend a lot of money on food together. See.. everyone has their own function." I said. "But we get along like sisters. All of us. They keep me sane. I'm the ugliest of them all and they still love me."
Nigel laughed out loud. "Darling, you never have to cut yourself down to get a compliment out of me."
"I didn't!" I said defensively. "I feel out of all of them, I'm the ugly duckling."
"Sabrina, I know you are a little crazy, but you really are insane, sweetheart."I laughed and hit him softly.. "Hey! Watch it." I said. Nigel was still laughing in disbelief.
"I can't believe you just said that about yourself."
"Uh, you're biased because you like me." I said.
"I like you? I love you." Nigel said. "I'm madly in love with you and going practically out of my mind because of you."
"Why, Nigel?" I said and shook my head. "I'm not beautiful like Victoria. I'm difficult too on top of everything else. You could have any girl in the world who would put out and didn't give you grief about morals and all those bullshits nobody else seems to care about. You found the one woman that does care to fall in love with." Nigel let out a laugh like he meant to stress that he didn't have any clue as to why either. He then said confirming my hunch, "Beats the hell out of me too, Sabby." He said. "All I knew, you held my hand...our eyes met, the rest is history. You have had me ever since"
"Why didn't you go for Victoria to fall in love with?"
Nigel frowned.. "Why Victoria?"
"Every man wants her."
"I'm not every man." Nigel said. "I wasn't looking for a particular trait on a woman when I fell for you." Nigel said. "I wasn't looking, period." Nigel said. "I just found home in you." I smiled a little. He held my hand over the table. and said.. "You're so beautiful, Sabrina...you have no idea." He said as he kissed my hand.

That was one of the sweetest things a man could ever say to me. Nigel made me feel so beautiful and perfect. The feeling was so terrific. It was just so damn terrific.

We spent a couple more hours talking on the couch as we cuddled. He held me tight inside his embrace almost the whole time. We talked about everything and nothing. There was a time when we didn't say a word to each other and we just savored the moment. If I didn't have this rule, this weekend would have been filled with so much steamy passionate earth shattering sex that would be repeated many many many many times. I imagined the two of us would have utilized every waking moment to inflict all types of euphoric carnal sensation onto each others' bodies. If I didn't have the rule, Nigel and I wouldn't be just laying here on the couch to watch the day fade away. We would have been entwined together, naked as could be. He would have kissed every single inch of my naked body from my head to my toe. His tongue would have been making little circular patterns using my skin as its canvas. I would have grabbed his throbbing expanding manhood by the hand and felt how hard he wanted me. He would have teased my nipples with his kisses until they peaked for him, longing for yet another kiss. If I didn't have the rule, Nigel would have shoved himself inside me over and over, over and over again, pushing crazy thing we called love into me. If I didn't have the rule, I would have screamed his name when I couldn't hold on anymore. If I didn't have the rule, Nigel and I would have laid here sweaty, sticky, and naked for the umpteenth time this morning. If only I didn't have the rule...

Instead, the man that I love was perfectly happy laying fully clothed, next to me. His eyes were bright and clear watching me as he occasionally landed a tiny soft kiss on wherever part of me closest to his lips.

"I want to stay here forever." Nigel said. "Just like this." He said as he snuggled me closer.
"This feels so good, baby." I said. "I don't want this to ever end either."
"God, Sabby... I want you so much." He said as he caressed me and closed his eyes.
I held on to him so strong as we were both shaking from the passion that just spurted out from inside.
After awhile, I couldn't suck it up anymore. My tears fell and I let him go. I got up and I left him there and went to the bathroom and let out a cry.

This has been so hard. This has been so so hard. How could heaven be hell at the same time? Nigel knocked on the bathroom door. I didn't want him to see me cry again. I didn't want to make it even harder for him. Yet when I was sitting on my bathroom floor I knew what we needed to do. We just couldn't torture ourselves like this anymore. We shouldn't continue on with the insanity.

"Sabby...please open the door." Nigel screamed from the outside as he knocked. "Sabrina...please.."
I finally opened the door. Nigel stood there and he just knew. He hugged me and didn't say a word. He didn't ask for an explanation. He did not utter a single word, like he just understood what happened.

I held his hand and led him back to the couch. "We gotta really talk, Nigel." I said.
He nodded..."I was hoping that we could postpone it." He said. He looked out the window slightly.."I had been dreading the sun to come because it means this will end."
I nodded. "Yeah... me too." I said. I looked down at the floor. Nigel sat next to me, and he lifted my chin.."Don't be sad, beautiful." He said. "I'll find a way."
I shook my head. "I don't want to do this anymore." I said. "It felt good but we are torturing ourselves. I feel like I'm torturing you." I said. "I knew you had no way to make it work with what I want. So you need to make it work with someone else that will make it work with you."
He shook his head. "But I don't want someone else."
"But I can't give you what you want." I said.
"What I want is not sex, Sabby." Nigel said. "I want you. If I wanted sex, I want sex with you."
"Nigel.." I said his name in pain. He grabbed my face and looked deep into my eyes.
"Don't you get it?" He asked.
"We can't keep doing this. We're hurting ourselves, and this is still wrong what we are doing."
He exhaled... "What would you have me do?"
I shook my head.. "I don't know."

We dazed for a little bit. I started to laugh thinking about this scenario we were in.
"It's really funny. I get the humor totally." Nigel said sarcastically.
"Hahaha... I felt like I'm Anne Boleyn." I said. Nigel cracked a smile.
"Yeah, pretty much." He said. "You're about to make me annul my marriage and denounce the church."
"Hahaha..." I laughed. "And you would behead me in no time."
"That, I wouldn't do." Nigel said. "Killing is not my game." He said.
"I'm just saying what's in line with history." I said. I changed my expression almost instantly.. "But, Nigel... I am really pulling an Anne Boleyn on you." I said.
Nigel looked at me and his mouth gaped a little.
"Sorry." I said. "I can't do this until you really are available."
He kept on looking at me with his mouth gaping open. Then he closed it and he nodded a couple of times.
"Will you wait for me?" Nigel said.
I sat there and didn't say a word. How could I wait? She wouldn't divorce him and she may live till she's ninety. How would I know?
"Ok." Nigel said. "What can't you do? Can we stay like this and not do it?"
I shook my head. "No... I can't do this. You can't do this." I said. "I saw you. How much this is taking  tolls on you."
"I'm happy, Sabby."Nigel tried to convince me. "Why can't we just be happy?"
"Because you're married to someone else." I said.
"Marcy is sick."
"It doesn't mean she doesn't need her husband!" I said stern. "If I were in her place, I would kill myself if I knew my husband is doing this." I said. "I can't... I just can't." I said. "Make this right for me and for her, and don't make me do things I'd hate myself for." I said. "I beg of you to understand."
"You must not love me." Nigel said.
"I love you so much that I want you happy."
"I am happy now, with you."
"With all the things you may lose if we do this, believe in me when I say I do this for you. Because I love you." I said.
Nigel shook his head. "You didn't have to do anything for me, Sabrina. I could take care of myself. This is not me. This is you. This is all you. I'm willing to sacrifice anything I have to be with you."
"Divorce her then." I said.
Nigel looked at me dumbfounded.
"Don't say anything you don't mean, Nigel." I said. "Just don't."
"I'll find a way, Sabby. I don't know what it will be... I'll figure something out."
I shook my head. "You need to go, Nigel. It's almost 1. You have a plane to catch."
"That's it?" Nigel said. I looked up  to see him as I exhaled.
"Give it time, and think about what I said." I said. "We don't have to do anything now. But in the mean time, we need to be good."
"You're so goddamn righteous." Nigel said as he wiped his face.
"You're being selfish." I said.
"I am just being true." Nigel said. "Why fool ourselves? We did everything in between and we were both happy. Why cheat ourselves from having each other?"
"Because I want to sleep at night."
"You slept quite soundly last night, darling.."
"No, I dreamed about my vegetarian friend eating meat. Now you know how wrong that sound??"

Nigel stood up. He looked angry. He wasn't happy anymore. Now it was his turn to go to the bathroom, except I didn't come after him. I just let him be. He needed time to digest what I threw at him. When he came out, he looked a little bit better put together. He looked so tired however. His green eyes weren't shining as they were before. He approached me on the couch and he just grabbed me and put me in his embrace. We held on to each other for the longest time. I closed my eyes, savoring the last minutes I could have with him, smelling him, and feeling him. He turned me and he kissed me so hard I felt the skin on my cheeks were raw from it going against his scruffs. He held both of my hands, and he kissed it. He kissed my hands for the longest time. My eyes were wet at that point. He smiled at me softly as he caressed my cheek..

"Don't cry." He said. "Don't you cry."
"I'm so sorry I made this so difficult." I said.
"You're one stubborn woman." He said. "And I'm stupid for loving you for it."
He walked towards the door. I followed him. Oh God, he's leaving. He's really leaving.
He turned to see as I stood by the door. We still held each others' hands. He kissed my forehead.. and he said to me.. "Bye, love."

Then off he went.

I closed the door and I sat on the couch in disbelief of what I did. I didn't know what would happen next. Would he really be out of my life? How could that be? We still work together. What would we do at work? Pretend that nothing ever happened? Man, I just hope he wouldn't hate me and turn on me. I hope he meant it when he said he loved me.

I felt so awful yet relieved. I felt so sad yet I was justified. The only thing that put a damper on thing was that I may have lost the one man I love the most. I grabbed my phone for the first time since last night. Boy, I had 12 missed calls from Victoria, Emma, Bobbie, and Xandra combined. I had 485 lines in my whatsapp chat group with them. Holy cow. They must have been worried about me.

Right now though, all I wanted to do was soak myself in a tub filled with soapy hot water so I could wash away the sins and scums I had on me from what I did. Yeah, my Hindu mother had to raise me Catholic, didn't she? The guilt I felt was permeating all over my body. If we went with the Mahabharata, Nigel could have been Pandu, and had two wives. I could have been Draupadi and married to all five brothers of the Pandavas. Unfortunately, my life is not an epic. It's more of a sad story of being south of the middle of happiness almost constantly.

Chapter 18

I woke up from a dream this morning. It wasn't a dream like a fairytale should be. In fact, my fairytale happened last night. The fairytale came true though only for one night. My dream was about my friend from culinary school back in Hyde Park, New York. Hira was my teammate for several  classes during the first year at the C.I.A. We worked great together and became great friends. She was a vegetarian and she used to make me taste all the food that had animal proteins in it. She would make an exception however, when I embellished on how good it tasted. Then, she would get tempted and she would make me believe that she ate it. She put the meat in her mouth and she chewed and chewed like she enjoyed it. Next thing, she spit it out. I used to pull on her pony tail when she was chewing with hope that the meat would go down her throat and she would swallow.

I wasn't sure why I was dreaming about Hira after all these years. Last time I saw her was when I dined at her newly opened restaurant, "Hira on the river," by the Hudson Valley in New York. It has been quite a long time since I saw her last. Maybe it was because what happened last night with Nigel was like Hira eating meat. She did really eat it, but she didn't swallow. Nigel and I did the same thing. We didn't go all the way though we tasted the sweetness of it all. We didn't get the satisfaction however, like how it would taste if we did swallow the meat. Hira would never know how it tasted. Neither would we.

I tossed and turned for a little bit in a semi-conscious state, thinking of the dream and feeling the sun ray on my face. I finally opened my eyes as I rubbed my eyes slowly. I thought I was still dreaming as I saw Nigel's face looking down at me. He was laying beside me, with one arm folded, holding his upper body upward. His other hand was caressing my face softly, playing with my hair. His face looked so serene, and he had a smile on his face.

 "Good morning.." He said.
I smiled looking at his handsome face that never cease to make my heart shudder.
"Morning.." I said. He came towards me and he tried to kiss me. I turned my face to the side..
"mh......morning breaths.." I said. He buried his face in the space in between my neck and shoulder, and he kissed me softly..."I don't care." He said. "You don't know how much I would pay to smell your morning breaths." He said.
"hahaha..be careful what you wished for. I can invoice you for it." I said. He smiled.
"Bring it on."
I smiled. He touched my nose softly with his finger like I was a little girl. It was super cute.
"How long have you been watching me sleeping?" I asked.
"Awhile." He said as he played with my hair still.
"Mh....We slept together." I said.
"We did. Too bad, we didn't have sex."
"Yeah.." I said. "Too bad." He nodded.
"I must love you so much that I'd rather you happy than me happy." He said.
"You weren't happy?" I asked.
"I can't lie I'd be happier if.." I shook my head.
"You don't know that." I said. "You don't. You could have felt so awful this morning after you realized what you have done last night." I said.
He was quiet for a minute. He went to lay on his back, with one arm under his head. His pose made my inside gurgling with desire. His hair was messy, but in a good way. His pectoral muscles were taut. The definitions of his biceps were magnificent accented with his soft under arm hairs. He couldn't have looked any sexier. He didn't realize how difficult this whole thing has been for me. He just didn't know that it took everything in me to be this stoic about holding back the desire I felt for him. I went towards him and kissed his cheek. I whispered in his ear.. "I love you." He turned his head slightly towards me and he had a little smile on the corner of his lips. "You sure about that?" He said. I didn't answer him. Instead, I nibbled on his ear softly. The next thing I knew he moved my body so fast that I ended up under him as he devoured me with kisses. I couldn't believe his strength to be manhandling me like that. It was utterly ridiculously sexy as hell.

Oh dear Jesus, I didn't know how long I could hold out. We couldn't keep doing it and torturing ourselves. What were we doing? We just simply couldn't help ourselves. I started to panic again. I didn't want to keep rejecting Nigel; but, at the same time I was so afraid that we couldn't escape from going all the way. We're two individuals who are madly in love with each other, who have suppressed our feelings for a long time, who have not gotten laid for however how long. We actually had a chance to have it all and yet what did we do? Fight it.

Ironic? Oh... I didn't need to be vindicated for that statement. Say it ain't so is more like it.

Yet, Nigel stopped. He looked down on me again as he kissed me softly. His gazes punctured right through me. Gosh, how I love that man. He looked even more lovelier with the dark shadow on both of his cheeks. It felt a little scruffy on my skin, but I didn't care. I knew I would still feel him on me because of that even after he left. Then, it dawned on me that he would be leaving soon. The clock soon would strike to the hour when everything would turn back to status quo as I knew it. I looked up to him and caressed his face.

"Thank you." I said.
"For stopping?" He asked. I shook my head back and forth.
"No, for coming into my life. I've been waiting for this moment to happen for a long time."
He smiled. He nodded... "The feeling is mutual, darling."
I smiled. "I know we both wish it could be more..." My eyes started to water but I tried hard not to cry. I didn't want to cry again.
"I haven't stopped since last night thinking about what could be done." He said. "I didn't want this to be it, Sabrina." He said.
I nodded trying to avoid the subject. "What time do you have to leave?"
"I don't have to leave." He said.
"Don't you have a plane to catch?"
"It's the least of my concerns." He said. "It's not until 5 in the afternoon." He said. "If I missed it, then so be it. Derek can deal without me on Monday."
"Don't do that." I said. "I'm going to make us breakfast. Why don't you shower?" I asked. "I have new tooth brush in the sink drawer." I said.

I just left the bed without waiting for him to answer. His hand followed my movement till he couldn't reach me anymore. I looked through the fridge of what I could make. First thing first, coffee! We didn't get to drink coffee last night. Yet, this morning he would get to taste Roberta's Ethiopian Yirgacheffe coffee. I ended up making simple fritata with garlic, potatoes, red pepper and feta cheese. I whipped it up so quick and  put it in the oven. I was drinking coffee and I walked back into the bedroom. I perhaps could take a peek of Nigel butt naked in the shower.

However, he wasn't in the shower. He was sitting on my chair, with a super serious look on his face. He looked tired and weary. He didn't look like the happy sweet man who stared at me while I was sleeping this morning.

"Nigel?" I said... "Not going to hit the shower?" I asked.
"Not if you're not joining me." He said. I smiled and approached him. He opened up his arms and I planted myself on top of him. He surrounded my body with his arms. I kissed his cheek as he kissed my shoulder. I gave him my coffee.
"Mh..." He took a sip. "Mh...that's great."
"Yirgacheffe." I said.
"Ethiopian?" I turned to see him.
"I'm impressed." I said.
"I'm a smart man, Sabrina." I laughed. He laughed along with me.
"Hard to believe but I am." He said.
"I know, love." I said. "I'm so not worthy of your love."
"You're the only one who has it. Marcy does not even have this love of mine anymore."
"Don't say that. I didn't want to steal it from her."
"I love her still. Just not the same way. Not the way I love you. Not the way a man wants to love a woman." He said.
"Does that mean you're mine?" I asked. He nodded. "This is the day I made you mine." I said and smiled.
"Actually that was a long time ago. That happened in Napa. Beautiful night..we were drinking wine under the moon. I was yours then." Nigel said.
"Oh.." I said dumfounded. He smiled and said.."I knew I was in trouble the moment you held my hand that night before my speech." He said. "Something just transpired within me." I smiled.
"I felt it." I said. "I remember the moment after you're done with your speech, and you looked at me and smiled." I said and laughed. "I would never forget that moment for as long as I shall live. There were so many people there, and you sought me in the crowd and gave me that smile."
"You're all that matter, Sabby." He said. "Even then, when I didn't know why."
"So how come you looked so sad now?" I asked.
He looked at me with tired eyes and he forced out a little teeny tiny smile "I just didn't know what to do about what you asked me last night."
"What was it?"
"What happens now..." he said. "I didn't know how to give you what you want and make things right by you."
I looked down and couldn't say a word. Nigel said it all. There was nothing he could do.
"I think you just told me the answer, Nigel." I said.
"Sabby.." I turned quick to see him... "shh.." I shushed him. "Let's eat...I think the fritata is ready."

Nigel really changed the mood. Now I realized that everything looked grim for us. There was nothing that we could do. We were fooling ourselves and created this hope and expectation for something that would not be. I hated myself for a second to get myself into this mess. All I wanted since my divorce from Peter and my break up with Jax was to find happiness ever after. Guess what I did? I gave my heart and soul to a man that couldn't be completely mine. He said he was mine, but he could never be mine. Not now, and who knows if it ever will.

What would happen to us? I should be getting tired for asking the same question over and over again and expecting a different answer. I felt the time was near when my dream-world would shatter and bring me back to the hard cold reality. I was nowhere in the middle anymore. I'm back in the South of the middle - where I started.

Chapter 17

My mind took me to a beautiful garden filled with Gardenias. The birds were singing and the owl was turning its head 360 degree over and over. There was a big compass in the middle of the garden pointing North the whole time. There was a beautiful cascading waterfall with a rainbow next to it. It was the most beautiful place anyone could ever imagine. It was so beautiful until the devil showed up.

My mother would not call this place the Garden of Eden. She would call it Nirvana. The bad part about Hindu mythology is that there are some good Gods to worship; but, there are also many demons in many types and forms. Some of the Gods were even evil. For the most part of other mythologies or religions, there are always bad Gods. In Hinduism for example, Shiva is one of the Trimurti or the trinity of the supreme Gods. He's highly regarded and feared as not only he's one of the most powerful of the Gods, but he's also the destroyer. He has many reincarnations in the form of scary beings. In the Norse mythology, Loki is a God known as a trouble maker. In Greek mythology,  Hades, the brother of Zeus, is usually regarded as the God of the underworld, or the devil himself. Though, really, compared to the devil as we know it, he's actually rather tamed. Nevertheless, evil is everywhere. They're here to tempt us humans into sin.

Hindu would win I think in the demon section. I think they have a long list of Asuras, the power seeking and sinful of the Gods. Satan, in Catholicism, is just as evil. I didn't know which devil was in my apartment, but I could feel his presence.

Just now I realized that I actually understand what Eve had gone through that day in the Garden of Eden. What was happening to me was heaven at its best on earth. Yet, at the same time, I felt that the world would crumble upon me. I could sense a catastrophe was imminent and I couldn't breathe thinking about it. It was the most beautiful moment to be had and I couldn't, for even a moment, savor its sweetness. In fact, it was plain bitter.

Nigel ran his fingers softly over my skin tracing a thin line from my neck to the space where my breasts parted. He was still kissing me softly as I caressed his strong muscular back. Feeling his body on top of me was intoxicating. His kisses were maddening. I was just lost in the abyss of lust and love over this man I truly love.

Did I say love? Yes. It was surely love.

Our legs were tangled with one another as he moved slowly on me, feeling me. All of a sudden, I felt that he was getting hard. I couldn't miss his bulging manhood against my thigh, and I opened my eyes, panicking.

"Nigel.." I shrieked softly. He didn't stop.
"Nigel..." I said again.
"Sabby, don't stop me." He said.
"Nigel.." I said again, looking at his eyes. His eyes for a second was full of fire. It was opened wide and it was full of lust. When they met mine, all of a sudden, it changed. They calmed down in an instant. I kept on looking into his beautiful eyes, and I couldn't do anything else but to smile. Those green eyes finally smiled back at me. So did his lips. He looked down on me, and he planted one soft long kiss on my forehead.

He then said to me, "Please don't tell me it was a mistake."
I shook my head as I caressed his scruffy cheek. "Never."
He nodded as he was thankful for it. "I knew it's wrong. Sorry I didn't keep my word about being good."
"I was to blame for that." I said.
"I easily share that blame." He said.
"You could say I seduced you." He smiled.
"I wanted it just as much. For a very long time." He said.
"I feel rotten inside." I said as I put my hand on my chest. He gazed down avoiding to see me.
"Frankly, I feel nothing of the sort. I feel...happy." He said. "I feel like this is where I should be though I knew it is not supposed to be that way."
"I just lost control." I said. "I could definitely tell the difference between right and wrong. Except, I didn't know why what's right for me was deemed wrong by every one else."
"It was all because of me." Nigel said. "If only my situation was better, Sabby." He said. He got off from on top of me and he laid next to me. He put one his arms over his head. He looked like he was in deep thought. Then he said to me... "It could have been simpler for you to just meet someone and not to worry of all these moral ordeals."
"It wasn't your choosing either." I said as I turned my body to face him. I put my hand over his chest. He grabbed it instantaneously and held it.
"One thing I can tell you... I think many of my friends fed me bull crap when they said it was easy to cheat on their wives." He said. "This has been nothing but easy."
"That's because your intention was not just to cheat on Marcy." I said.
"Actually, it has never been my intention." He said. "I've never intended to cheat on her. I've also never intended to fall in love with you."
"You're falling in love with me?" I asked and smiled. He turned to see me and nodded.
"I'm so in love with you it hurts." He said. I went to him and kissed his lips. He grabbed my cheeks and kissed me back full of the love he was telling me about.
"I love you." I said softly. "I love you right or wrong."
We kissed again for the longest time until I felt my tears were rolling down my cheeks.
"Don't cry, sweetheart." He said.
"What's going to happen to us, Nigel? This is love that can not be." I said.
"Can we just enjoy our time together when we can?" He asked.
"What's going to happen tomorrow, and the next day and the next day?" I asked. "I'm 36 years old. I want the whole shebang. I don't want to be your mistress. I don't want to feel this pang of guilt every time I kiss you."
"I don't want you to be my mistress, Sabrina."
"Then what?"
"I don't know." He said. "I don't know."
He looked at me...."I can't divorce her. It would be so cruel."
I shook my head back and forth. "That would be so heartless."
"Except I don't even think she even cares for me anymore." Nigel said. "She's not happy to see me. She prefers to be alone. She never calls me when I'm out of town. When I call her she probably would say five words to me before hanging up." Nigel dazed.
"I have no expectation on that sense." I said. "I can't ask you to do anything of the sort. You've never been mine to have."
"I wish it was different."
I smiled. "Different day, same situation. I'm still me and.."
"and I'm still married, I know."
"Yep." I nodded.
Nigel turned to see me as he held on to my hand on his chest. "I love kissing you, Sabrina."
I smiled to him.."I love kissing you too, Nigel."
"I love everything about you. Where have you been all my life?"
"God had other plans for me in the past."
"We should have met years ago in New York."
"Shoulda coulda woulda." I said. "Don't worry, you'll forget about me in no time. I'm not special."
"How could you say such a thing?" Nigel asked. "There's no turning back for me."
"Don't be silly. What could you do?"
"All I could ask you is if you look the other way." I shook my head back and forth.
"I can't." I said. "Don't ask me that."
"So, we just sacrifice ourselves because of values? Most people who have common sense should understand our predicament."
"It's not fair what the world expected of you." I said. "It's so not fair."
"If she returns my love for her, even though she's sick, I probably would feel so much better about everything. After all these years, it piled up on me. I have been spending my forties living like I was a 70 year old man. Now, when I actually found the woman of my dreams... I can't even have her. I can't even make love to her."
"Huh.... what would you have me do?" I asked.
"We've kissed. We told each other love. It's cheating nonetheless."
I smiled. "It's bad enough already."
"So what if we made love?"
"So it would change my whole life philosophy and I would stoop to the same level as the woman who broke apart my marriage." I said.
"You wouldn't do any breaking on mine. It's broken already. Sabrina, we have not been living as husband and wive for years."
 I shook my head again.
"Of course I have to fall for a stubborn woman like you."
I smiled. "I'm sorry."
Nigel smiled. "It's probably one of the reasons why I fell for you anyway. You are more than any words can say. Though here I am shamelessly trying to talk you into having sex with me."
"I know!!" I said. "You said you'd be a perfect gentleman and will just talk to me."
"I am. I am just talking you into making love to me."
"Hahahahaaha.." We both laughed hard.
"I failed miserably." He said.
"You think I didn't want that?" I asked. "You didn't think I want you so hard in me?'
as I caressed it softly.
"Don't tease me." He said. "That's cruel."
"I want you so much more than I have ever wanted anyone in my life, Nigel." I said. "I don't know how much tears I cried over you. Over all these sorrows for not being able to be with you. For not being able to have you in my life every day of every week. For not being able to wake up next to you every morning."
"You know, I have a lot. I have almost everything a man could want. Yet, I have never felt so helpless in my life. I just want to make everything go away and we can make a life together. You and me."
"We have this night. Tomorrow will be a different day. Nothing will change tomorrow, but for tonight, hold me." I said. "Be with me." I said. "Stay with me and don't leave me." I said.
He nodded. "I'm not going anywhere, Sabrina."
"I'm so tired, Nigel." I said...he grabbed me inside his warm embrace and he cuddled me. It felt so great to lay on his chest with his strong arms protecting me so nicely. I usually have never been good in holding back the lust. I didn't know where this power all of a sudden was bestowed upon me. Through history, I have never been shy in attacking a man to get him on the sac. But this one, I really love. No matter how hard it was, my love for him transcended lust any day and I have never wanted to hurt him nor screw with his life, not if I could help it. I realized fifteen minutes of bliss would not worth the endless pain and nor stain that can not be erased. Was I wrong to sacrifice both of our happiness for a virtue? Like he said, we have already cheated. We have already committed the sin mentally, spiritually, and even physically. Yet, I still couldn't get myself to go all the way.

This one, I really love.

My tears kept on falling. I couldn't seem to stop crying. I have never been this happy and this sad at the same time. I was so happy that Nigel was laying next to me cuddling me so tight. However, I was so sad that there's no answer for us. There's nothing we could do in order to be together and for it to be right. Nada.

"Will you try to stop crying for me?" Nigel asked as he caressed my hair and kissed my forehead. I wiped my tears. "You made my shirt wet." He said as he got up and started to undress.
"Why are you undressing?" I asked.
"I'm getting ready for bed." He said. "Besides, my shirt is wet."
Nigel Gallagher for being in his late 40s had a body to die for. It's not perfectly sculpted like a Greek God obviously, but he's so sexy under the shirt. He had just enough hair on the chest and a nice muscle definition. I took two big gulps of air looking at him shirtless. He took off his pants too and kept his underwear. "Now, you need to stop crying." He said as he took his place next to me again.
"Sorry." I said. "I can't help it." I said. "It's not all tears of sorrow. It's tears of joy too."
"Really?" He asked and smiled. I nodded.
"Yeh." I said.
"That's good." He said. "That made me happy." He said. "I can't stand seeing you cry. I want to make you happy, not crying all the time. Though it's about all I do."
"That's not true." I said. "You made me happy plenty of times."
"Not enough." He said. "What will make you happy, darling?"
"You, naked like this."
"I'm not completely naked. This is how I sleep."
"Let's keep it that way unless you want to make a slut out of me."
"No, I just want to make you happy. What will make you really happy? Tell me your dreams, Sabby."
"My dreams? Other than to be with you? Mh... world peace."
"Hahahaha." He laughed so hard. "You're not easy to please."
"That's my dreams."
"What are you, Miss Universe?" he said as he poked my side trying to tickle me.
"hahaha.. stop it." I said. "Stop tickling me."
"You're ticklish, Sabby.." He didn't stop of course..
"Nigel! Oh my God, stop!"
"Hahahaa.." He laughed and caught me from wiggling. We both had a big smile on our faces.
"I have two dreams." I said. "My first dream is to open my own bakery slash tea room. I want it to be so fancy and hoytie toytie and catered to hoytiest toytiest women around. It's going to be a lot of pink and pastel colors, love seats, and the three tier platters serving my home made scones, quiches, sandwiches, and finger desserts."
"Oh....sounds fancy." he said. I nodded with a big smile.
"Oh yeah. I plan to make it big and first class. It's going to be the primo of afternoon tea. Better than The Mandarin Oriental, The Peninsula and The Plaza of the world."
"You could have opened one now."
"I can't afford it." I said. "Not the way I want to do it. I guess I could get a loan. But, it's so risky." I said. "I just have been thinking about it. But, I'm not ready to leave Joie to start my dream." I said.
"How long have you been thinking about it?"
"A long long time. I have never owned my own restaurant. I always worked for other people. I love to write and style food. But my first love is cooking and baking. There's nothing in the world that could compare to that for me." I said.
"Not even being with me?"
"That's different." I said. "I'm talking profession." I said. "I even have a name selected for it already."
"What's that?"
"It will be called 'High SocieTea' with the ty at the end of Society spelled with T e a."
"Hahaha..that's super catchy. I like it."
"You didn't even crack a joke on the high tea faux pas of the Americans?" I asked.
"Uh, low tea, high tea... I'm more an American than British. Whatever float your boat."
"Good. Yeah, High SocieTea...someday... I'll make it happen." I said.. "But to answer your question - cooking, baking, and being in the kitchen make me really happy."
"That I know." He said and smiled. "Perhaps one day you can cook me dinner."
"Are you going to tell me you would be a perfect gentleman again?"
"Have I not been?"
"Mh...it's debatable."
"I didn't rape you, did I?" He said. "Sabby, I was being a man for a little bit, and a gentleman for the rest of the night."
"Yes.. that you are." I said.
"I'd be gay if I didn't react the way I did to you. I'm a normal healthy man who appreciates your beauty and love your person."
"Fair enough." I said. "So, maybe I will cook you dinner one night."
"I can't wait." he said. "So tell me your second dream.."
"Mh... This is more a long range dream..maybe someday when I'm old and retired." I said. "I want to open an orphanage in Indonesia. I want to teach the kids culinary arts. So, it's like X Men School for gifted youngsters, except mine will be Culinary School for the less fortunate children."
Nigel smiled from ear to ear. "That's a novel idea, Sabrina...I admire you for having that dream."
"It's just a dream, Nigel. Nothing to be admired about until I make it a reality." I said. "However, how cool would that be?" I asked.
"It would be more than cool." He said. "It'll be fantastic."
I smiled. "Yeah, I thought so too." I said.

I ranted for a little awhile longer about my orphanage idea. I had a long list of wishes to make that dream come true. After awhile, I didn't hear Nigel responding to me.

"Nigel..?" I looked up to see him.
His eyes were closed. He was asleep. I smiled looking at his handsome face. He looked so peaceful and happy. I felt a rush of happiness sweeping me realizing that for one night he was asleep next to someone who loved him.

The devil from the south had to be here tonight, but there was also a good force penetrating the temptation and delivered us from evil. Sounded so Our Father definitely but it's true. Despite all the bad that happened tonight, there were a lot of good happened for two people who despite the virtue, values, moral codes, and creeds, deserved a chance to love and to be loved by the person whom their hearts chose. We weren't perfect tonight but this is life with all its imperfection. I didn't know what I was really feeling. However, for once, I didn't feel down. I felt fine.

My baby was next to me sleeping so soundly. Let me forget about pain and suffering till tomorrow when my gold chariot would turn back into a pumpkin again. Tonight, I wanted just to be the princess who just found her prince charming. Being in the middle wasn't here nor there; but, it felt a hell a lot better than being down south.

Chapter 16

My heart was pounding like crazy all the way home. I didn't know why since I wasn't anticipating anything else tonight. It was all done. Nothing left to do. Yet, I couldn't seem to calm down. I was really upset that Nigel left, just like that without saying a word. Was he angry at me for being short with him? We were texting anyhow - it was supposed to be short.

When I got home, my heart was still giving me some cardiovascular workout without getting on the treadmill. I tried to lay down on the couch to calm myself down. Yet, all I could do  was staring at my phone. I was hoping Nigel would text me or give some type of answer. I was hoping he would relieve me out of my misery.

In a way, I hate myself for letting Nigel to have so much more control over my mind and emotions. It wasn't used to be the case despite the crush I have on him. Victoria was right - things have changed between Nigel and me. I couldn't deny it that things have really transformed. I wasn't sure whether it was for the better or worse.

My phone didn't ring nor beep no matter how hard I stared at it. Finally, I gave up and I reached for it and I called him. It rang and rang with no answer. Oh, I knew it wouldn't be easy. I hung up without leaving a message. I slouched on the couch feeling worse than before. I didn't expect tonight would end up like this. I thought I would go home at least happy after spending the day with Nigel at the party. Who knew?

Ring..ring.. oh! Nigel!

"Hello.." I said.
"You rang, Sabrina?" Nigel asked.
"Where did you go?" I asked.
"Where did I go? Where did you go?"
"I came out from the interrogation and you were gone." I said.
"I didn't think you care to see me. You seemed so afraid of your friends."
"I was trying to protect you." I said. "You'll have a lot more to lose than me if people found out."
"What would I lose?" Nigel asked. "You seemed to care more about it than me. Besides, what would they find out? There is really nothing going on."
"I can explain to my friends about me. You on the other hand, can not. I couldn't bear people may think ill of us behind our backs. I won't have it." I said.
"We haven't done anything bad, Sabrina. If Emma had a problem that we hugged, let it be her problem."
"It's easier said than done. They crucified me!" I said.
"Did they?"
"Yeah. They sure did." I said. "They thought for sure I'd do something stupid with you that would just wreak havoc." I retorted. "Plus, it's interesting that you said we HAVEN'T done anything bad."
Nigel laughed.."I did not say that."
"Oh, you sure did." I said.
"I did not."
"Yes, Nigel..haha.." I laughed. "You did."
"Well, I didn't mean it the way it sounded."
"Sure you didn't." I said and kept on laughing.
"I'm just tired of this constant struggle of not doing anything bad. All I want is to see you and talk to you in peace. I'm tired of you looking at me with a look that says you care about me, and when I came to you you ran away."
"I didn't run away."
"You may not have ran away in the literal sense, Sabrina. Yet, you still shut me down."
"You can't understand why?" I asked. "It wasn't because I'm playing games with you. I'm just afraid of what might happen if we didn't reign ourselves."
"But give me credit. I said all I wanted to do was talk to you."
"Aren't you afraid, Nigel? I mean, Emma and Victoria sensed it right away."
"They're your friends. Of course they could tell. However, I know Emma a long time and she wouldn't do or say anything to hurt us. I don't know as much about Victoria, but she's your best friend."
"We do work for a publication."
"If you think a big scandalous rumor about us is going to be the breaking news in the office..."
"You're not afraid of that?" I asked. "You can't be serious, Nigel. Derek would have a field day with you."
"I'm not afraid of Derek, by the way." He said. "But to tell you the truth, I don't care."
"I care." I said. "This is my livelihood too. We have reputation to uphold."
"Sabby, I respect what you want. Just say it and I won't do anything you don't wish me to do."
"Huuuh.." I sighed, because I really didn't know myself what I want.
"Just say it."
"I can't." I said. "I don't know what I want. All I know I don't want to do anything bad and hurt other people even if it means sorrow on my end."
"I know." He said. "You're a good girl, Sabby."
"At times, I don't want to be. I want to be happy. However, I don't want to be happy by stomping on others."
"I have spent many years taking care of others. Just now, after all these years, I feel that I want something for me. But, I need to accept the fact that it can't be."
"Nigel... what do you really want?"
"See your face. See those eyes of yours looking at me with a smile."
"hahaha.. I always thought your eyes are the ones that smile."
"Yours too. It has been awhile for me to see someone happy to see me."
"Mh.."
"But I just want to talk and see your eyes at the same time. I want to talk to you in peace and not being interrupted by people's accusing face."
"That's all?"
"That's all." He said. "But I understand and respect your wish." He said. "Being accused of dirty married man is one thing. But being branded as philandering harassing boss is another." He said.
"You're neither of those."
"I struggle too with these ideas, every day, every minute of every hour for months and months."
When I heard he said that, my heart just melted. It melted like ice cream in Texas heat. I never realized that he's been going through the same  thing as me. For once, I realized this guy deserved some happiness too, like I do. I decided that second to screw the world and its rules and crucifying tenets. Nigel wanted to see me and to talk to me. At the very least, he should get that.

"Come over."
"What?"
"Get over here. Let's talk. I'll text you my address" I said.
"You can't mean that. My old heart can't take this much excitement."
"I meant it. Come over, Nigel before I change my mind."

I hung up the phone and started fidgeting. Then I got up and tidied up the place a bit. I also freshened up and sprayed some perfume. I changed to something more comfortable. Nothing sexy. I thought it would be bad. I put on a simple lounging outfits. I didn't want to send the wrong message. I couldn't believe my own reaction in anticipating him coming. For someone who just wanted to talk, I sure as hell did a lot more for impressing him. Yet, it's human nature. I wanted to be pretty for the one man that fills my heart, mind, and soul.

About twenty minutes later, I started to worry and questioning my decision. This could be a really bad mistake. However, in my heart, I wanted it as much as he did. It really took him a long time to get here  I thought. So I sent him a text.

"You are coming, are you?"

He replied.. "I'm driving, I can't text right now."

I started laughing.

"You just did."

He replied.. "I'll see you soon."

Whew. I started smiling. I couldn't believe how I reacted towards this whole thing. For someone who has been fighting tooth and nail about the idea of being in love with a married man, I sure as hell felt very hypocritical at that point. My mind was ecstatic anticipating him. My heart was blooming with love. I was actually happy. Really happy.

It took him almost an hour to ring my door bell. When he arrived at my door, I couldn't believe the jolt I felt inside of me. Nigel Gallagher was behind my front door. Nigel! I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't believe that he was actually here.

I opened up the door, and I saw his handsome face. He didn't change. He still had the same clothing on. He had both of his hand behind his back. He smiled when he saw me.

"Hi Sabrina." He said.
"Hi Nigel.." I said and smiled. "Welcome to my humble abode."
He stepped inside and smiled... "Nice place!" He said.
"Whatever... this has to be ghetto for you." I said.
"Rubbish." He said.
"Oh, for you." He said and he pulled out a bouquet of red roses.
"Oh...." I said and smiled. I didn't know where he got the roses but it couldn't be grocery store roses because they were long stemmed humongous roses and they're pre-wired.
"They're beautiful, Nigel.." I said and smiled.
He smiled... "I didn't remember if you told me but I know you like Gardenia?"
"My favorite." I said and smiled.
"I couldn't find those. So, sorry for going with the obvious."
I smiled and shook my head. "These are great. They're humongous! Where did you get this?"
"A flower shop by my apartment." He said. "I asked about Gardenia, but they told me they had to order it. I said..well..that wouldn't work because I need it now."
I laughed. "You didn't have to buy me anything."
Nigel smiled, "I never have to do anything. I just wanted to."
"Thank you." I said. "Make yourself comfortable... let me put these in water." I said. "Anything to drink? More wine? Coffee..?"
"What are you having?"
"Coffee." I said.
"Do you have decaf?"
"Noooo.. no decaf!" I said.. "You drink decaf?"
"I'll be up all night if not." He said. "Unless that's how you want me to be." I laughed and rolled my eyes.
"I thought you're going to be good?'
"What?" he said. "We could be up all night talking. Put your mind out of the gutter, Miss Gilmour."
"Me?"
"Yes, you." He said.
"Nice try." I said. "I didn't know you're naughty."
"I'm not naughty." he said. "I'm a good boy."
"The jury's still out for that one."
"The verdict will remain the same."
Nigel followed me to the kitchen. He looked around and he looked like he was admiring it.
"I expected that your kitchen would be one of a kind. But this is exceeded my expectation."
I smiled. "I structured my apartment around the kitchen. I actually knocked down the third bedroom to expand on the kitchen."
"Wow...quite a kitchen you got." He said.
My kitchen is my sanctuary. It's where my heart lays. When I bought this apartment, I wanted it to be tailor-made for me. I have an all stainless steel kitchen. It almost looks like a professional grade restaurant kitchen. The tall cabinetry made of wood treated with dark pewter color stretched along one wall, floor to ceiling, accented with two sets of Viking range, an industrial size fan, Ansul system, a salamander, a grill, and a deep fryer. Along the other side of the wall, I installed wall unit microwave, oven, and warmer. On the counter on that wall were all my other appliances, among them is my old Kitchen Aid Mixer which I bought almost 15 years ago.  I also installed Sub-Zero wine cooler, and drink refrigerator as part of the cabinet system as well as compartment refrigerator and separate freezer that are in line with HAACP.  Then, in the middle of the kitchen, I have a humongous island with stainless steel counter top with bar stools on the other side of it. It's perfect for me to spread out and work with dough. I also have built in drawers that I turned into seal tight bins for my flours, sugar, and rice. All I had to do to get some flour is to pull open a drawer. I love my kitchen! Nigel looked more than impressed.
"Take a look at these.." I said as I showed them my flour bins.
"That is pretty slick." He said.
"Yeah!" I said. "I don't have to worry about bags, or containers."
"Plus, it gives your kitchen a very clean look. No clutter on the counter."
"I know." I said.
"You have a lot of flours."
"Hahaha..yep, I do. Bread flour, self rising, bleached, unbleached, potato, cake flower, white lily.."
"Wow!" he said. "I wouldn't know the difference."
"That's why you employed me." I said. I turned to see him. "It's like an out of body experience. I still couldn't believe you're standing in the middle of my kitchen."
He nodded. "I feel the same way. I can't believe you let me in. I'm getting more and more impressed by the minute with you."
"I think you just like my kitchen."
"You can open a restaurant right here."
"That I can. I was going to install a walk in cooler, but I thought that would be a bit much."
He laughed... "I am actually disappointed you didn't have a walk in."
"Nope. Just reach in for now." I smiled. "Maybe someday when I want a house."
"Someday it is."
I nodded agreeing with him. "Want more tour?"
"I thought you'd never ask." He said as he reached for my hand.

I gave him a tour of my humble apartment. Nothing else in my place can be bragged about. The kitchen was the highlight and it went down hill after that. Xandra helped me with decorations of the other rooms. She's really awesome at that. She really has an eye for design and decors. I must say the other rooms in my place might not be flashy, but they're very warm and comfortable. When we got into my bedroom, Nigel smiled.

"Why are you smiling?"
"It's very girly." He said.
"Well, I am a girl, you know." I said.
"Your kitchen doesn't scream girly." He said. "It's very modern and it had a commercial grade look to it. Very professional."
"I wanted more functionality for the kitchen so I can feel comfortable working there. I want it tidy and clean." I said. "My bedroom on the other hand... I want it warm and cozy."
"It looks very cozy." He said. He stepped in and walked around.
"That's what I was going for." I said.
"What are these?" He asked.
"Those are wayangs." I said. "Indonesian wood carving statues of my favorite Hindu Deities."
"You have favorite Hindu Deities?" He looked at me puzzled.
I laughed "Yes, I do." I continued.."My mom is from Bali, Indonesia. She was born a Hindu. She taught me a lot of Hindu mythology."
"That, I didn't know." He said. "And, you think I know more about you."
"Apparently not."
"Apparently not at all." He said. He sat on my bed looking at the statue of Srikandi.
"That one is Srikandi." I said. "She's a symbol of woman's equality to man. In the Javanese version, Srikandi was a woman warrior equal to any man in the epic battle Mahabharata."
Nigel smiled. "The equality of woman goes that far back to the Mahabharata."
"Of course, because strong men were born by strong women."
"That is very true." He said.
"Though in the Indian version, Srikandi was born a woman but reborn as a man to avenge a guy who rejected her."
"Is it really?" Nigel laughed.
"Yeah. In that version, it made her the first cross dresser so to speak." Nigel let out a laugh.
"I'd say we stick with the Javanese version."
"I'd say yeah to that too." I said and smiled as I gazed at him. Nigel gave me a smile that just sent tons of little electricity all over my body. I felt that smile can be hundreds of acupuncture needles stabbing me on the nerve. He kept on looking at me, and he caressed my hair softly.
"You're so beautiful, Sabrina." He said. "Inside and out."
I smiled a little. I didn't know what I was feeling at that moment but I lost in the deep green sea of Nigel Gallagher's eyes. The warm current he sent me was enveloping me to a point that I didn't know where I was, what I was doing, or thinking.
"Nigel.." I called out his name softly, almost a whisper. Nigel held my hand firmly. Our hands entwined together forming one big fist. He caressed me softly with his other hand from hair to my cheek, to my neck. Then he pulled his hand, realizing what he was doing. Yet, what happened next was not me. I swear it was satan giving me the apple and I took a bite as in my next breath, I lunged for his lips.

Nigel did not back out. Instead, he returned the kiss like I never thought a man could kiss. His lips felt so soft on mine. He kissed me with all his might and I lost all control. His kiss was so soft yet forceful. It awakened every sense in my body and how I missed that. How I missed a man loving me, kissing me, and feeling me the way Nigel was doing. He laid me down and we kept on kissing. He was on top of me, caressing my hair, and feeling my body as I did the same to him. I opened my eyes not believing what was happening. I couldn't believe what I was doing and that I had absolutely no will to let this stop. Instead, I never wanted it to be over. I never wanted the time where he would stop his kiss.

Nigel's hand went down slowly from my neck to my breast as he graced my mound by the handful. I jolted from the sensation as I felt his moist lips on my neck, kissing me ever so slowly.

"Ah...Nigel... " I called out his name as I withered in ecstasy.
"Oh..my God, Sabrina..." He said softly.."Oh my God..what are we doing."
Yet, I went for his lips and we were lost again in the land of the unknown. Our bodies entwined together.

My bedroom has transformed into the Garden of Eden where Eve took a bite of that sinful fruit. I wasn't sure where the snake was, but I also took a bite. They say Garden of Eden is beautiful and heavenly. I couldn't say that I wasn't in heaven. It was pure heaven.

The compass has taken a turn. It's pointing up. I don't know for how long.