I woke up from a dream this morning. It wasn't a dream like a fairytale should be. In fact, my fairytale happened last night. The fairytale came true though only for one night. My dream was about my friend from culinary school back in Hyde Park, New York. Hira was my teammate for several classes during the first year at the C.I.A. We worked great together and became great friends. She was a vegetarian and she used to make me taste all the food that had animal proteins in it. She would make an exception however, when I embellished on how good it tasted. Then, she would get tempted and she would make me believe that she ate it. She put the meat in her mouth and she chewed and chewed like she enjoyed it. Next thing, she spit it out. I used to pull on her pony tail when she was chewing with hope that the meat would go down her throat and she would swallow.
I wasn't sure why I was dreaming about Hira after all these years. Last time I saw her was when I dined at her newly opened restaurant, "Hira on the river," by the Hudson Valley in New York. It has been quite a long time since I saw her last. Maybe it was because what happened last night with Nigel was like Hira eating meat. She did really eat it, but she didn't swallow. Nigel and I did the same thing. We didn't go all the way though we tasted the sweetness of it all. We didn't get the satisfaction however, like how it would taste if we did swallow the meat. Hira would never know how it tasted. Neither would we.
I tossed and turned for a little bit in a semi-conscious state, thinking of the dream and feeling the sun ray on my face. I finally opened my eyes as I rubbed my eyes slowly. I thought I was still dreaming as I saw Nigel's face looking down at me. He was laying beside me, with one arm folded, holding his upper body upward. His other hand was caressing my face softly, playing with my hair. His face looked so serene, and he had a smile on his face.
"Good morning.." He said.
I smiled looking at his handsome face that never cease to make my heart shudder.
"Morning.." I said. He came towards me and he tried to kiss me. I turned my face to the side..
"mh......morning breaths.." I said. He buried his face in the space in between my neck and shoulder, and he kissed me softly..."I don't care." He said. "You don't know how much I would pay to smell your morning breaths." He said.
"hahaha..be careful what you wished for. I can invoice you for it." I said. He smiled.
"Bring it on."
I smiled. He touched my nose softly with his finger like I was a little girl. It was super cute.
"How long have you been watching me sleeping?" I asked.
"Awhile." He said as he played with my hair still.
"Mh....We slept together." I said.
"We did. Too bad, we didn't have sex."
"Yeah.." I said. "Too bad." He nodded.
"I must love you so much that I'd rather you happy than me happy." He said.
"You weren't happy?" I asked.
"I can't lie I'd be happier if.." I shook my head.
"You don't know that." I said. "You don't. You could have felt so awful this morning after you realized what you have done last night." I said.
He was quiet for a minute. He went to lay on his back, with one arm under his head. His pose made my inside gurgling with desire. His hair was messy, but in a good way. His pectoral muscles were taut. The definitions of his biceps were magnificent accented with his soft under arm hairs. He couldn't have looked any sexier. He didn't realize how difficult this whole thing has been for me. He just didn't know that it took everything in me to be this stoic about holding back the desire I felt for him. I went towards him and kissed his cheek. I whispered in his ear.. "I love you." He turned his head slightly towards me and he had a little smile on the corner of his lips. "You sure about that?" He said. I didn't answer him. Instead, I nibbled on his ear softly. The next thing I knew he moved my body so fast that I ended up under him as he devoured me with kisses. I couldn't believe his strength to be manhandling me like that. It was utterly ridiculously sexy as hell.
Oh dear Jesus, I didn't know how long I could hold out. We couldn't keep doing it and torturing ourselves. What were we doing? We just simply couldn't help ourselves. I started to panic again. I didn't want to keep rejecting Nigel; but, at the same time I was so afraid that we couldn't escape from going all the way. We're two individuals who are madly in love with each other, who have suppressed our feelings for a long time, who have not gotten laid for however how long. We actually had a chance to have it all and yet what did we do? Fight it.
Ironic? Oh... I didn't need to be vindicated for that statement. Say it ain't so is more like it.
Yet, Nigel stopped. He looked down on me again as he kissed me softly. His gazes punctured right through me. Gosh, how I love that man. He looked even more lovelier with the dark shadow on both of his cheeks. It felt a little scruffy on my skin, but I didn't care. I knew I would still feel him on me because of that even after he left. Then, it dawned on me that he would be leaving soon. The clock soon would strike to the hour when everything would turn back to status quo as I knew it. I looked up to him and caressed his face.
"Thank you." I said.
"For stopping?" He asked. I shook my head back and forth.
"No, for coming into my life. I've been waiting for this moment to happen for a long time."
He smiled. He nodded... "The feeling is mutual, darling."
I smiled. "I know we both wish it could be more..." My eyes started to water but I tried hard not to cry. I didn't want to cry again.
"I haven't stopped since last night thinking about what could be done." He said. "I didn't want this to be it, Sabrina." He said.
I nodded trying to avoid the subject. "What time do you have to leave?"
"I don't have to leave." He said.
"Don't you have a plane to catch?"
"It's the least of my concerns." He said. "It's not until 5 in the afternoon." He said. "If I missed it, then so be it. Derek can deal without me on Monday."
"Don't do that." I said. "I'm going to make us breakfast. Why don't you shower?" I asked. "I have new tooth brush in the sink drawer." I said.
I just left the bed without waiting for him to answer. His hand followed my movement till he couldn't reach me anymore. I looked through the fridge of what I could make. First thing first, coffee! We didn't get to drink coffee last night. Yet, this morning he would get to taste Roberta's Ethiopian Yirgacheffe coffee. I ended up making simple fritata with garlic, potatoes, red pepper and feta cheese. I whipped it up so quick and put it in the oven. I was drinking coffee and I walked back into the bedroom. I perhaps could take a peek of Nigel butt naked in the shower.
However, he wasn't in the shower. He was sitting on my chair, with a super serious look on his face. He looked tired and weary. He didn't look like the happy sweet man who stared at me while I was sleeping this morning.
"Nigel?" I said... "Not going to hit the shower?" I asked.
"Not if you're not joining me." He said. I smiled and approached him. He opened up his arms and I planted myself on top of him. He surrounded my body with his arms. I kissed his cheek as he kissed my shoulder. I gave him my coffee.
"Mh..." He took a sip. "Mh...that's great."
"Yirgacheffe." I said.
"Ethiopian?" I turned to see him.
"I'm impressed." I said.
"I'm a smart man, Sabrina." I laughed. He laughed along with me.
"Hard to believe but I am." He said.
"I know, love." I said. "I'm so not worthy of your love."
"You're the only one who has it. Marcy does not even have this love of mine anymore."
"Don't say that. I didn't want to steal it from her."
"I love her still. Just not the same way. Not the way I love you. Not the way a man wants to love a woman." He said.
"Does that mean you're mine?" I asked. He nodded. "This is the day I made you mine." I said and smiled.
"Actually that was a long time ago. That happened in Napa. Beautiful night..we were drinking wine under the moon. I was yours then." Nigel said.
"Oh.." I said dumfounded. He smiled and said.."I knew I was in trouble the moment you held my hand that night before my speech." He said. "Something just transpired within me." I smiled.
"I felt it." I said. "I remember the moment after you're done with your speech, and you looked at me and smiled." I said and laughed. "I would never forget that moment for as long as I shall live. There were so many people there, and you sought me in the crowd and gave me that smile."
"You're all that matter, Sabby." He said. "Even then, when I didn't know why."
"So how come you looked so sad now?" I asked.
He looked at me with tired eyes and he forced out a little teeny tiny smile "I just didn't know what to do about what you asked me last night."
"What was it?"
"What happens now..." he said. "I didn't know how to give you what you want and make things right by you."
I looked down and couldn't say a word. Nigel said it all. There was nothing he could do.
"I think you just told me the answer, Nigel." I said.
"Sabby.." I turned quick to see him... "shh.." I shushed him. "Let's eat...I think the fritata is ready."
Nigel really changed the mood. Now I realized that everything looked grim for us. There was nothing that we could do. We were fooling ourselves and created this hope and expectation for something that would not be. I hated myself for a second to get myself into this mess. All I wanted since my divorce from Peter and my break up with Jax was to find happiness ever after. Guess what I did? I gave my heart and soul to a man that couldn't be completely mine. He said he was mine, but he could never be mine. Not now, and who knows if it ever will.
What would happen to us? I should be getting tired for asking the same question over and over again and expecting a different answer. I felt the time was near when my dream-world would shatter and bring me back to the hard cold reality. I was nowhere in the middle anymore. I'm back in the South of the middle - where I started.
