However, it didn't end up that way. It was my choice, as well as his, to not end the day that way. Would this morale victory make me feel better about myself? I thought it would. Yes, it did. Yet, I was feeling blue as blue could be.
I looked for Victoria before I left since I wanted to let things out. Again, she was nowhere to be found. It was rather strange that she kept on disappearing on me. She has done that a lot lately. I started to get a little suspicious of her. But, I really couldn't think much about Victoria as I was too busy thinking about Nigel. I was also busy thinking about this audit. Jordan will hear an earful of it tomorrow.
I stopped by the grocery store on the way home. I didn't feel like eating. I wasn't at all hungry. However, I really found the urge to use the kitchen and submerge myself in creating a delicious dish. Then, I thought about Laurel's birthday party tomorrow. Perfect! I would make things for that sweet little girl that calls me aunty Sabby. I went a little overboard. I bought a lot of stuff and had a big grand idea in mind. Oh...Emma will either love me or hate me tomorrow. Knowing Emma, she would have had everything in order already and my food will be a distraction. But, I didn't really care. If she cared that much, she really doesn't have to serve it.
As I was walking the grocery stores aisles, I got two text messages.
The first one was from Nigel. As soon as I saw his name on my phone screen, I cracked a smile.
"Still mad?"
That was all he said. I was going to reply right away; however, I changed my mind.
The second text was from Bobbie.
"I'm off tonight. Coffee later? Ethiopia is waiting."
I laughed. I did owe her a coffee date since I bailed yesterday. I quickly answered her.
"Yes! Come over please. Help me decorate cakes!"
Not long, I got another beep. It was Bobbie...
"What?! Can I just watch?"
Ugh, Bobbie. She really doesn't like to get her hands dirty with baking stuff. She cooks once in awhile, but she just rather eats her cake, not make it too. I answered her..
"No! Help me. Come over in an hour!"
She cracked me up. It would be a fun night with Bobbie around. Thank goodness for great friends. At least I wouldn't have the opportunity to be alone and feeling sorry for myself. I continued my grocery shopping. Boy, I love grocery shopping. I just simply love it!
My phone beeped again. It had to be Bobbie again, trying to get out of helping me decorating cake. I was 99.9% sure it was Bobbie giving me excuses why she should only just watch and not help. However, I was wrong. It was Nigel again.
"It appeared so...still mad."
I smiled reading what he said. Then, I was compelled to write him back. So I did.
"I'm not mad. Not anymore. I'm baking tonight for Laurel's party. It'll make me happy."
Nigel answered me right away - "I'm glad. Have fun baking. Can't wait to eat it tomorrow. Wish I could see you again tonight."
My heart just broke when I saw what he wrote. There was nothing I would rather do than be with him tonight. Instead..
"Will do. I'll see you tomorrow, Nigel. Have a good night."
My tears pooled in my eyes. I stood in the middle of a grocery store, and I just felt like crying. I looked up to the ceiling holding back tears. My heart wanted to show him how much I wanted him. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me. Instead, I said things I didn't want to say. I didn't even acknowledge his statement about wanting to see me. Perhaps it was best that way. I couldn't encourage it. I just couldn't. I surely shouldn't.
When I got home, I let it all out. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I would have the opportunity to feel sorry for myself, but I found it. How come when a great guy came along and he likes me and he wants me and he has to be married? How come? Why?
For once, I wish things could just line up properly for me. Just once. It has never been a straight line ever in my life. If it was a straight line, it was pointing down south. I knew I have so many other things I could be grateful for. However, I would trade everything I have for a chance to be happy with someone I love forever. I really really would.
Good thing, not long after that, the door bell rang. I quickly wiped away my tears and tried to freshened up a bit after I buzzed Bobbie up. I didn't want to talk more about any of these though of course Bobbie would suffer through it with me. It was her choice to want to come over on her night off.
She brought dinner with her, a bottle of Viognier, and the Ethiopian coffee beans she couldn't shut up about. Ro looked tired. I guess a coffee date would do her good. She brought with her some pita breads, hummus, tabbouleh, and chicken kebabs to share. I really didn't feel like eating. I had absolutely no appetite.
"Why were you crying?"
"I wasn't crying." I said. "allergies."
"Since when?"
"Since tonight." I said and rolled my eyes. She rolled her eyes even more so than I could. The revolution of the roll was tremendous. I started laughing.
"Seriously, Ro, it was just allergy."
"Not the married boss?"
"Nope." I said. "You'll meet him tomorrow by the way. He's coming to Laurel's birthday party."
"I don't think I can make it there."
"What?"
"I have two matinee shows tomorrow. I'll be there after five. I'll meet him I suppose if he's still around."
"Oh... okay." I said. "Not a big deal if you meet him or not. He's just my boss."
"He's not the guy that made you cry?"
"I wasn't crying."
"Okay... Okay." Roberta said as she threw her hands in the air. "Come eat, Sabby."
"I'm not hungry." I said. I was busy starting the rice krispies treats. I would let the rice krispies set, and then I would cut them into shape. I would make it into lolly pops and then dip it in white chocolate.
"That was a first. You're not hungry."
"Maybe later." I said. "Had a late lunch." I said. "I'll take a glass of wine though."
We ended up baking up a storm. Then, I made devils food cake and carrot cake. I shaped them into balls and also dip them in chocolate. The kids will have fun tomorrow eating my lolly pops cakes.
Bobbie ended up having a lot of fun baking and decorating. She was actually a big help. It took awhile to get everything done and baked. By the time we were ready to decorate it was about 11 o'clock at night. That was when Bobbie started the coffee. She used my french press that she affectionately called "the plunger." I hated that word because it reminded me to the only plunger I knew. I haven't used a plunger ever since the day I moved in to my own place. I remember Peter always had to use the plunger at least once a week. He's a handsome man, my ex husband, but his shit still stunk and I didn't know what he spewed out every day to be needing the plunger so often. He claimed we had bad plumbing. I'd say it was both the house and him.
"Coffee smells great, Ro!" I said...
"You'll love it. I have to warn you, it is very robust...What time is Laurel's party?"
"I think at 2."
"Good. Just in case this will keep you up."
"Uh, I'm not worried. Nothing will keep me up tonight. I'm exhausted."
"You're exhausted every night. Maybe it's time for you to do some physical activity. Come climbing with me on Sunday."
"I pass."
"Come on...you'll feel better."
"No." I said. "I won't feel better. I'll be sore and I'll hate you."
"Whatever, hate me all you want." Ro said. "Exercise releases endorphines and that's the happy juice you need."
"I don't need anymore endorphines." I said. "Beside, you're the one who look tired." I added.
"I am tired. I have to admit I'm really really tired."
"Just work?"
"Work doesn't tire me." She said. "I'm doing things I love. I'll never get tired of dancing."
"So then? What is it?"
"I'm tired of Sam's schedule."
"Oh. I was wondering why you wanted to come over on your night off. I thought you sure would rather spend it with Sam."
"If he's in town. But of course, he's not!!"
"When is he coming home?"
"Sunday."
"Oh, so he will miss the party?"
"Ugh, he could care less about missing a kiddie party. I think he's even glad that he couldn't come."
"Hahaha...I suppose." I laughed thinking that a tired pilot would want to be around a bunch of kids running around inside the house.
"Sam is not that fond of kids." Ro said as she dazed. "We had a talk the other day about having kids... and he said maybe way way way later. He's too young now to be a dad."
"oh."
"What about me?? I'm not getting any younger!"
"You want kids, Ro?"
"You don't??"
"I do... but realizing my situation, I kinda leave it up to God."
"If I could, I would. I want one. At least one." I smiled.
"Really? I never knew you would want a child. You seem to be free spirited and agile. I didn't think you would want an anchor."
"Anchor?"
"Something that will weigh you down."
"I know what an anchor means."
"Well...I thought you were asking!" I said.
"I just couldn't believe you see a child as a weight."
"It's an expression." I said. "I do want a child. I would love one no matter how much he or she will weigh me down." I said and smiled.
"It was hard for me listening to him talking without even considering me."
"Well, he is young. You can't expect him to mature before his time. After all he is a man."
"It's selfish."
"True, but you're the one who chose to be in a relationship with a much younger guy. There's always pros and cons."
"Plus, he's never around." Roberta dazed again as she said it. "I'm getting tired of him, Sab. Yet I love him so so much. But I'm tired of him."
"Is he worth it?"
"I don't know." She said. She got up and pour two mugs of coffee. She also poured me some milk that she has heated as well for my coffee.
"Seems you need a serious heart to heart talk. If you're not even sure if he's worth it."
"I can say all these because he's not here. When he's here, the moment I see his face, my heart feels totally different. I just don't know for however long."
"You gotta talk it through with him. I'm not going to tell you what's the right thing to do. You guys need to talk."
"I know. I know."
"Mh...mh.....wow, it's incredible...!" I said after I took my first sip.
"Yeah. very nice coffee, right?"
I closed my eyes as I savored that beautiful rich taste of this Ethiopian Yirgacheffe coffee. It enveloped you with warmth, intoxicating floral like aroma, and unbelievably strong, yet refined flavor.
"It's so fragrant... and smooth. Almost better than Sidamo." I said.
"Yirgacheffe is a type of Sidamo, Sab. So, it's the same thing pretty much. It is grown in Sidamo"
"Oh, I didn't know."
"I know my coffee. This one here is practically the finest coffee from Ethiopia."
"Is it? You do know your coffee." I sputtered and took another sip.
"Ethiopians were the first to experiment with coffee and the one that turned it into a drink."
"You are a walking google." I said to her and laughed. Roberta just shrugged her shoulders, exuding the attitude of 'don't blame me I'm so smart'. Puhleazze.
"Mh..mh...will you give me some to keep?"I asked her
"Yeah, you can keep the whole bag. It's yours!"
I smiled. "Thank you." I said. "I need some good things in my life. Especially tonight."
I just dazed. What a day. It was really just superb to be able to just sit here and drink coffee.
It has been a really long day. Usually a day like this will make me smile for the next week to come. However, people did really rain on my parade today. I really didn't want to think about it a second further. Despite the overdose on caffeine tonight, I fell asleep like a baby. I was exhausted. At least in my sleep I couldn't really think much of the direction of where I'm at.
