"You didn't really want to talk to me just to ask for my help to get you a date with Victoria, did you?" I asked. He squinted.
"No, why did you think that?" He said. I tilted my head.
"Oh, just checking." I said.
"Oh." He said. "I can do my own dirty work." he gave me his cocky smile. That's what I hate! That very smile of his! That's it.
"Sure you can." I said. "I have no doubt."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Besides, if I really wanted a date with Victoria, we would have been dating already."
"What's stopping you?" I asked.
"I simply didn't want to. But enough about me." He said and smiled. "I'm here for an official business, Sabrina."
I really wondered now what he wanted to talk to me about. My heart started to race a little bit. I guess I would find out soon enough.
"Okay..what is it?" I asked.
"How's the nice lunch with Nigel Gallagher?" He asked.
"It was splendid." I said. "He seemed to enjoy it very much."
"Well, it looked like a nice lunch. From what I heard it was a very long lunch."
"What are you getting at?" I asked. "We tried to kill two birds with one stone. Besides, it was whatever Nigel wanted."
He nodded. "Can't argue with the boss."
"Yes, you should know." I said. "What is it you want to talk to me about?" I asked again. I didn't understand why he was stalling and talking about things that were none of his business.
"Are you in a hurry?" Eric asked.
"Well, I have a lot of things to do today." I said and gave him another fake smile.
He nodded like he was agreeing with me.
"I didn't mean to bother you if this isn't a good time. Sure that lunch took a lot of your time." He said. I laughed exasperated, but I said...
"No, go ahead. I have made you wait long enough." I said. "Just let me know what I can do to help."
He walked towards the table and he pulled out a chair and sat down. He was waiting for me to come there too. I followed his gesture and sat by him. Then, he looked me in the eyes and said..
"SGE is analyzing their finances for this fiscal year. As you know, things are not like it used to be for magazines." He said. Now, I was the one that squinted. He continued... "We're taking active measure in making sure we stay on top and profitable."
"Okay..." I said. Please God don't tell me they're doing restructuring again! I really didn't want to go through another round of downsizing. We just did it about four years ago and it was pure hell! It took me a long time to get along with my six people department.
"Are we going to downsize again?" I asked. "Please tell me no." I said.
"No." He said calm. I leaned back on my chair relief. "Whew.." I said.
"Not yet." He said. I went straight back with my eyes popping out.
"What?" I said slowly.
"Not yet." Eric affirmed it. "We're not there yet."
"Okay..enough of the suspense, Eric." I said. "Then, what?"
"Well, I just want to give you a formal notice that we're auditing your department."
"You what?"
"Audit, Sabrina. Be prepared and let my auditor do his job."
"Are you serious?? Audit? why? What did I do?" I said.
"It has nothing to do with you." Eric said. "We're looking at finances and processes as a company."
"So, every department is audited?"
"Eventually..." He said. "It will be case by case. However, right now it's your turn."
I stood up huffing.
"Son of a bitch." I said.
"Are you referring to me?" Eric said almost appalled.
"No.." I said. "Of course not." I said though deep down I wanted to say hell yeah of course I was referring to you, asshole! "It's just an expression. I'm sorry, I'm a little disturbed right now."
"Sabrina...it's just standard procedure." He said. "Relax. I'm sure you have nothing to hide."
"What? Of course I don't have anything to hide!" I said. "But why me? Why my department? I wanted to know why we're chosen?"
"Numerous reasons." Eric said. "Nothing I could disclose. Just please be prepared. However, do not fret. This is just a preventive measure and how we could install better processes if we need to."
"It sounds like a bunch of horse shits." I said. Eric looked at me stern this time. He then answered me..
"I can assure you, it is not."
I just kept quiet. I was so angry at that point.
"Please comply, Sabrina. It will be over before you know it." He said.
"Fine." I said.
"Thank you." He said. "You'll get emails about the details."
He got up and started to walk towards the door.
"Oh, one more thing." He said.
"What now?" I said.
"Part of the audit." He said. "Your next trip scheduled for next month to Singapore?"
"Yeah.."
"I'm coming with you."
I turned around to see him. "Why? For what?"
"To observe."
I knew my face was so ugly by then. "What's going on, Eric?"
"Nothing's going on. We just want to make sure things are done by procedure."
"I felt like I've done something wrong and not being trusted."
"No, not at all." He said. "We just want to learn better about what our staff do."
"More horse shits, Eric."
"No. No horse shits." He said. "This is real shits."
"Great." I said.
"You look very very lovely, by the way, Sabrina." He said. I shot him a glare that could kill someone. He smiled and closed the door.
I really couldn't believe that ten minutes ago, I was the happiest girl on earth. It all changed to horse shits. He could say until he's blue in the face that all of these were intended for good purpose and nothing personal. I took it personally and I was offended.
I was so mad I almost threw the crystal vase to the wall. Instead, I marched to find Nigel.
I found him not far from the studio. He hasn't even made it back yet to his side of the building. He was talking to several copywriters and he saw me coming and he looked puzzled looking at my fuming expression.
"Sabrina..." He said. "What's going on?"
"May I have a word?" I said.
He excused himself and he walked towards me.
"Good God, what happened? I could see smoke coming out of your ears." He said.
"Did you know about it?" He looked even more confused.
"Elaborate."
"The audit...Did you know about the audit?"
He frowned but he didn't answer me.
"Did you know before lunch that the company has decided to audit me? Were you having lunch with me to observe all the malignancies of my department as well?"
"Sabrina.." He said...he put his hand on the small of my back and lead me towards an empty conference room. I was still so mad. I couldn't believe his action if he really did have lunch with me and the whole time he was just observing what I did. From the extravagant effort I put into making the lunch nice for him and me spending hours of company's time on him, I just felt like the biggest fool. I just felt so mad and stupid.
"Well?" I asked him as he turned around to face me after the door closed behind him.
"First off," He said..."You really shouldn't question your managing partner in that tone." He said.
"You're pulling rank on me?" I said. "Nigel, I understand who you are and the sole reason I did a nice lunch presentation for you because you are my managing partner. However, if you did it under pretense, I have every right to be mad." I said loud. "I can't believe it if you did, and it's just crazy. One minute you were having lunch and enjoying yourself. The next you sent your attack dog to bite me? What...what's all that?" I was huffing and hyperventilated and this time it wasn't because he took my breath away for being so handsome, but it was because I was pissed off beyond belief.
"Sabrina.." He said...he held me by the shoulders...."Calm down." He said. Our eyes met and in a split second, I was cool as yogurt after I saw his shiny green eyes. Again, I lost all my senses. He looked at me too. He whispered softly one more time, "Calm down, Sabby." I could see his pupils changed from big to small. They were intense for a second with emotions and then they also calmed down as I was calming down. He still held me with his two strong arms, but his grip loosened. He all of a sudden said...
"You're a fire cracker." To my surprise, he caressed my face with his hand softly. I closed my eyes savoring every touch. His hand felt so warm on my face and I felt my blood runs through my veins. When I opened my eyes again, our face were so close to each other. He was about to kiss me. My heart was racing like crazy.
"Nigel..." I said, and I put my hand on his chest trying to stop him coming any closer, though deep down I had been hoping for this moment to arrive for months and months. He nodded, and he said..."I really really want to kiss you right now." He said. My eyes were fixated at him and my lips were open anticipating his to touch mine. At the same time, my hand stopped him from coming down towards me. I really had horrible eye hand coordination. Really horrible.
"Nigel.." I called him, and my head tilted to the side, almost wanting to say no without really wanting to say no. He let go off me softly.
I took a deep deep breath after that.
"I'm sorry.." He said. "I'm sorry for saying that."
I turned to him, and I touched his arm lightly..."Don't." I said. "I want to kiss you too like you wouldn't believe." I said. I traced his hand with my finger. I could see him forming goosebumps. He looked at me, and I looked at him. We both smiled to each other. "We really shouldn't." I said. "No matter how much we want to." I said.
He nodded. "I know." He said. "I couldn't even though there's nothing that I want more than to do just that."
I smiled. "I'm flattered." I said. "But, I don't do married men." I said. "I knew how it felt like when women slept with my then husband." I said. "I wouldn't do that to another woman."
He smiled quaintly towards me. "I know." He said. "I know you wouldn't." He said. "I'm not that type of men either." He said. "I have never been unfaithful to my wife. Not once. Though I couldn't say the same anymore here." He said as he pointed at his chest. He dazed...and he looked at me... "You made me feel like a man again." He said. "I didn't know how but you made me feel like I used to 10 years ago. It felt fantastic." He said. "And all we did was talking."
"I don't know what to say." I said and smiled. "We have a lot to talk about." He nodded agreeing with me. "Yes, we do."
"But, you really know how to change the subject." I said.
"You're so beautiful when you're angry." He said. I laughed...
"I'm still angry."
"And you're still beautiful." he said. I leaned and sat on the table next to him. He nudged me with his shoulder trying to tease me. I looked down to the floor not believing the whole development. This was truly a roller coaster. I was going up, down, twisted, and on a loop.
"Listen.." Nigel muttered..."I did know Derek's directive for the departmental audits and I support it 100 percent." He said. "However, I have no knowledge that they have chosen your department." He said. "That is the truth." He said. "I did not eat lunch with you to spy on you." He said. "I had lunch with you and spent the time because I wanted to spend time with you. I did not purposely trying to have a four hour lunch just to test what you would have done." He said. "None of it. It was all me not wanting the lunch to be over."
I still stared at the floor.
"It wasn't me who sent Eric to tell you about the audit." He said. "If I did, wouldn't you think I would make sure I would be somewhere safe first before breaking the news? Why would I risk you marching to get me and ready to kill me?"
"I wasn't going to kill you." I said. "I wouldn't dare."
"Lady, you have sharp knives."
"That I do, but I don't bring it with me, do I?" I said as I turned to see him.
"Nevertheless, if I did send Eric, I would have thought of you and your knife."
I smiled... "Okay, you have a point."
"But, I'm sure they have their reasons of wanting to audit your department." Nigel said. "I did not go into details on finances and audits with Derek and Eric." Nigel said.
"But why me?" I asked "Nigel, he was so condescending." I said. "I didn't see why you two made him the CFO."
"He has long credentials, Sabby." He said. "Eric is a smart guy. He did not graduate from Harvard Business School for being a tool."
"He's so cocky." I said.
"Well, putting personal judgments aside, Derek Stearns trusts him with his life."
"How about you?"
"I trust Derek with my life." I rolled my eyes.
"In other words, I'm screwed."
"Why are you screwed? This audit is not for defamation purposes." Nigel.
"How embarrassing is that when people know that I am audited. Me...my department alone."
"Who said it's just going to be your department? Eventually every one will be audited. We have to start somewhere. Yours, Fashion, and Sales definitely will all be audited because you're the core departments for Joie."
"Huuuh." I sighed.
"You can't take this personally." He said. He tapped me by the hands.
"Nigel... seriously? This is really happening? Can you do something about it?"
"I would do anything for you, Sabby. However if I did, it will just do us both a disservice. It will be the death of me when Derek, and or Eric sensed favoritism. Do you want that?"
"No. Of course not. I didn't ask you for favoritism." I said.
"Didn't you just ask me if there's something I could do? I'm old, but I haven't yet needed a hearing aid."
"Hahaahaa." I laughed.
"She laughed." Nigel said sarcastically.
"How old are you?" I asked.
"Why should I tell?" He said. "Old enough to be your father."
"No way. How old do you think I am?" I asked.
"Well, you don't look a day passed twenty five but you couldn't be the Chief Food Editor for Joie being twenty five." He said. "So, I guess you are thirty three years old."
"Close. I'm thirty six." Nigel looked surprised.
"I would not have guessed it." He said. "You don't look your age, Sabrina."
"That's good to know. I take it. Though it meant now you think I'm too old." I said.
"That's rubbish. That's just utter rubbish. However, I could understand why it was quite easy for us to converse. I did expect a generation gap but it never happened." I smiled.
"So, I guess, you can't be as old as my dad because you yourself look like you're in your early 40s, It's your turn to tell."
"You can guess too." He said. "But you're right...I can't be your father." He said. "Unless I fathered you when I was eleven."
"You're 47."
"Good guess." Nigel smiled.
"I can do simple math." I said. He laughed.
"You'll be fine with this audit, Sabby." He said.
"Yeah." I said. "I guess I have no choice. I have nothing to hide. I just felt singled out and I just wanted to know why me."
"It's not you. It's your department, and you're not being singled out." I kept quiet watching my shoes. Nigel nudged me one more time...
"You'll be okay." He said.
"Ugh...and he told me he will travel with me on my next trip to observe. I mean, I have to put up with him too? On a trip?"
"I have no idea on that." Nigel said. "It's twenty four hour flight to Singapore, Nigel." I added.
"You don't have to sit next to him. Sit elsewhere. Put him on coach." We chuckled a little on the notion putting the CFO on coach while I would be in business class.
"Just can't stand him." I said. "You know, I was indifference before. I thought he's cocky and don't care for him much. But now..I just can't stand him." Nigel laughed.
"I'm glad I'm not Eric." I smiled to Nigel.
"If you're not married. I would have been on top of you right now. That's how much I care for you." I said. Nigel smiled.
"If I'm not married, I would have let you do that and more." I swallowed. He swallowed.
"I think we've passed the threshold of skirting around inappropriate." I said. Nigel nodded.
"I think so." He said. I looked at him... He looked at me. I saw a speckle of pain in his eyes. Then he said, "Being inappropriate is the least of my worries right now." He said. "I'm more bothered on the fact that I have this feeling and I'm telling you all about it, and there's nothing I can do."
"I have the same situation for months." I said.
"Months? Since Napa?" He asked.
"Since Napa."
We were quiet for a good two minutes. I turned to see him, and I said.. "friends?"
He nodded and smiled. "It would be my honor."
I leaned towards him, and I kissed his cheek. Then, I got up and walked towards the door and did not turn back.
Around 10:00 AM, my heart was filled with anticipation. It was like a magma filled with hot lava fighting the earth pressure wanting to explode. By noon, I was excited beyond belief, and it felt like sunshine and hot sands on my feet as I was running on the beach feeling great and delighted. By three, I found that happy clam on the beach. Not long after that, the volcano erupted and lava spewed out. By four o'clock, the clam was cooked on the beach by the hot lava.
I didn't know how my day changed 180 degrees several times in several hours. One word came to mind - yoyo. I was real happy to be able to spend time with Nigel. I was even feeling okay about the bomb Eric dropped me on the audit because it got Nigel and me to open up. We actually talked about our feelings. We were stimulated so much that the inevitable almost happened. I was proud that neither one of us stooped to do the unthinkable though both of us had the urge of wanting to do it. I knew if he made the leap and actually kissed me, I might have not felt the same way nor would I have the same respect for him. Sure he would feel the same way about me if I would have kissed him. He would have thought of me as a home-wrecker cheap slut. I was always scared that if something were to happen with Nigel, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. However, something did happen today. Yet, I knew I could see myself in the mirror easily.
I was proud of myself. I was proud of Nigel. We were honest to each other about what we felt and it said a lot about a person. At the same time, we did show a tremendous constraint and respect to reality. It was really hard to know what I know now with everything being out in the open between Nigel and me, and to continue to have feelings, and there's absolutely nothing we could do to consummate that feeling. I wasn't sure which one was more of a torture - not knowing where I stand, or knowing but can't have. Either way sucks.
So, at the end, this day was worse than horse shit. I still have this audit looming over my head. I have Eric Phillips to contend with for however long. The worst part of all was hearing Nigel said he wanted to kiss me and that if he weren't married, he would have let me be on top of him and even some more.
Life is cruel. Nothing I have expected ever come true. Life always gives me twists and turns without ever falling tired. Will I ever find the way to the center? I didn't even want to go up north. I just want to go towards the middle a little bit. I just can't seem to ever make it there.
This is south of the middle love story.
