Chapter 14

Emma's house looked like a little castle in the middle of the ritzy suburban town of Hinsdale, Illinois. It has been awhile since the last time I was there. When I parked my car, I had to take a moment to observe the grandness of my friend's abode. It's a humongous slate stone construction accented with grayish tone paint around the window, sturdy wood paneled doors for their four car garage, circular drive way.... To me, it looked like a little palace.

The outside of the house was fully decorated with various pink and pastel colored lawn ornaments and balloons indicating a birthday party. It was a beautiful February day. It wasn't too cold at all outside. This winter has been quite mild this year and I wasn't complaining. I was just acknowledging the fact.

It had been a busy morning for me. For not knowing what to put on as far as clothes, doing my make up and hair, packing the cakes to bring, and stopping by Oak Brook mall to get a nice gift for little Laurel. I have never understood the idea of having an outdoor mall in an area with sub zero weather like Chicago; however, this mall was still packed with shoppers. I have passed this mall when the temperature was literally freezing, but this mall never knew what economy crisis means.

I settled for a cute pink dress I snagged from Nordstrom, a set of gardening toys and a petal tulle tutu from The Land of Nod. I think those should be enough for little Laurel. God knows she already has everything plus the kitchen sink and she's only four years old.

Normally, I would be super ecstatic with the anticipation of having Nigel in the same vicinity as me. Just the thought of seeing his face would give me such an immense joy that I couldn't explain. Today was a different story. I was expecting those rumbles in my stomach as I was driving to Emma's house. Yet, the rumbles never came. Instead, I felt sadness. Instead, I felt an intense amount of grief each time Nigel passed through my mind. I didn't know really what to expect today. I just really didn't know.

Emma put me to work almost immediately. I thought the crazy control freak Emma Brent would have had everything under control. Turned out, it wasn't the case at all. She was busy running around trying to get Laurel ready. I obliged and took over the food presentation and ran with it. Emma trusts me with everything she's got when it comes to the kitchen. She left me with her notes and schematic and she didn't come back to the kitchen for almost 45 minutes. Schematic you say? Yes, schematic. She drew exactly how the food should be displayed. I worked with her catering people and the bakery finally delivered the cake. I did my best to give Emma's schematic justice. I also added the lollipop cakes I made last night to her food spread. Hope she wouldn't mind.

Laurel's fairy cake was quite beautiful and pink. It was three tiers of pinky sugary goodness. Good thing Emma ordered the cake from someone else. I didn't think I could make such a pink cake. I probably would try my damnest for Laurel; however, the cake was quite pink. Did I say it was pink?
It was pink. However, it made me smile thinking how lucky that little birthday girl to have such a pink cake for her birthday. That had to be a dream of every little girl!

Emma ran in to the dining room where I was standing trying to put finishing touches to the table. Emma gasped looking at the beautiful arrangement of the sweet table that was filled with various pastel colors offerings. We got multi-colored macaroons, tiny brownie sprites with several different flavors, my lollipop cakes and rice krispie treats, and some petit-fours Emma had purchased from Pierrot Gourmet at The Peninsula Hotel.
"Oh my God, Sabrina..." Emma said as she covered her mouth.
"Looks okay to you?"
"Looks fantastic." She said and smiled. "Oh, what would I've done without you?" She said as she circled the table.
"Not sure." I said.
"You're really good at this." Emma said. I gave her a look as I was in disbelief of what I just heard.
"You sounded surprised." I said. "It's just what I do for work professionally, that's all."
"Hahaha..." Emma laughed paying me no heed. "Oh, I love it!" She said. "See, Sabby...I think I did great in drawing the diagram of how everything should be placed. You didn't have to guess at all!"
"Yes, you did good." I said thinking it was just easier to let Emma gloat.
"I learned that from you, do you know?" She said. I just laughed listening to her ridiculous chatter. She then continued.."Oh...this rice krispies treats are the cutest. Sabby - you're a genius." She said. She came to me and kissed my cheek. I just smiled. Then off she went running around trying to get everything else in placed. I can't imagine when the girl is getting married. I think Emma would be the biggest bridezilla than the bride herself.

The inside of the house was filled with beautiful party decorations - balloons, ribbons, and frills. It was a sight to be seen. I took a walk around the house with my mouth gaping open. Emma put a lot of time and efforts into this birthday party.

I felt someone was tugging on my hair behind me. I turned around and it was Laurel pulling on my hair. Her dad, John, was carrying her. She looked like a real princess from land far far away.

"Hey...princess?!" I said and cracked a big smile. She smiled too and went for a hug.
"Hi Aunty Sabby." She said cutely.
"Happy Birthday.." I said.."You look so pretty..." I said.
She just smiled.
"What do you say, Laurel?" John said to her as he smiled..
"Thank you.."
"Atta girl." Her dad said... "Hi Sabby." John said as he kissed my cheek.
"Hey doc." I said.. "Quite a party you have here." I said. "It's all for you, princess!" I said.
"Umpf..." he laughed. "You know, Emma." He said. "She gets carried away."
"Aunty Sabby..come here.." Laurel said as she asked to be put down and Laurel dragged me to her room. She had a big princess castle and she wanted me to play with her. 
"Wow...Laurel... " I said... we sat on the floor. She grabbed a pretty pink princess, and then she handed me the queen
"I'm princess." She said.
"Who is this?" I asked? "Is this the queen?"
She nodded and said.."Yeah.....she's evil!"
"ohh.." I laughed.
 John laughed. "You'll be here awhile, Sabby." John said. "You shouldn't let a four year old dragged you places."
"It's all right. It's her special day." I said. "Besides, I never had a castle when I was a little girl." I said.
"Can't believe what I was missing." I said.
"You didn't have a castle?" Laurel said with one hand over her mouth.
"Nooo." I said. "I didn't." I said. "I played with plastic food, and easy bake oven. Those are my favorites." I said.
"That's why she's a chef now, Laurel." John said.
"So, you'll grow up to be a princess, Laurel. Princess Laurel!" I said. She started giggling. It was the cutest thing. I looked at her and I realized how lucky Emma and John are. It's a blessing to have a family and that you don't have to spend day by day only on your own.

I always had a hard time being in this environment involving kids, family, and a happy house. Envious? You bet. In a way I could say I am envious of what life could have been with Peter. I could have had all this and some. Yet, life turned south. Emma always gave me encouragement that it's just a matter of time. She always tries to convince me that my time will come someday. However, I can't see me being pregnant and having kids in my horizon. It just sounds so far fetch from my reality, not especially when the guy I am in love with happened to be married to someone else. I could go on and on wondering about how did I get to this path of life; yet, it never really figured itself out. So I told myself to snap out of it as it's just a waste of time. It's just waste of time.

As soon as the guests started to arrive, I lost my playmate. Laurel split so quickly hearing commotion from the outside. It made me laugh as she was so excited. I wish I could be four years old again. It would be just fantastic to only worry about gifts and friends coming over for a birthday party. I stayed in Laurel's room for awhile longer and kept on playing princess and castle. It was a short moment when I could be a little girl again and forget about my sorrow.

I heard the door creaked all of a sudden.... I turned around, and I found Nigel standing by the door.
I sighed for a split second savoring the sight of him. What a handsome man I thought to myself. He looked more relax than usual. He had a checkered blue collared shirt covered with a navy zip top sweater. He looked dapper as usual, and how I adored him. He cracked a smile looking at me sitting on the floor with a princess doll on my hand. His eyes shined and smiled at the same time. I couldn't help not to crack a smile at him.

"Is that you, prince charming?" I said to him as I put the princess in front of my face insinuating that it was her who did the asking. Nigel laughed and came closer to me. He knelt down next to me and said..
"It is I, princess." He said. "I come to rescue you."
"Rescue me from my evil step mother, the queen?" I asked as I flailing the queen now.
"I'll rescue you from anything and anyone who wants to harm you, my dear princess." He said as he looked straight into my eyes.
"Oh..prince..my prince.." I said... Oups, I mean..the princess said so. "Save me from that evil troll Eric Phillips."
Nigel laughed out loud and he sat on the floor now. I laughed too. He touched my nose softly like I was a little girl.
"You are too cute, Sabrina." He said.
"I hope you meant what you said, prince. Save me." I said, still flailing the doll in front of him.
"Only if you need saving." He said as he smiled. "How come every time I see you, we always sit on the floor?"
It was my turn to laugh out loud. "I don't know.."I said. "I guess in our own little world, chairs do not exist."
"I'm too old to be sitting on the floor like this." He said.
I shook my head. "You're not old, Nigel." I said. "Not yet."
"Tell that to my knees." He said.
"I feel like I'm four years old again." I said as I took a look around. "How great would that be if it's true."
"Oh... Sabby." Nigel said. "I can only say I'm glad you're not four years old. Then really, you could be my daughter."
"Yeah.." I grunted a little thinking about the absurdity. "I don't want to be your daughter." I said.
"Neither do I." He said. "I wish things are different but I take this over you being my four year old daughter."
"Well, we're still in the same conundrum today, Nigel. Nothing's changed." I said. "It's just a different day." I said. "I'm still me, and you're still married."
Nigel looked at me and he said.."One more thing that hasn't changed is how I feel about you."
I looked up to him and met his smiling eyes. Again, I felt a rush of ocean rip tide taking me for a ride. It felt exhilarating. It felt out of control. I reached for his hand, and he held mine.

"What are you two doing here?" we heard Emma yelling at us all of a sudden. We both took our hands apart so quickly before she could spot it. "Nigel, Sabrina...?" Emma said a little confused..."Come out, come on." she said. "I need your help, Sabby....I need a big fairy!"

Nigel smiled and gestured me to get up. I got up and I gave him my hand to help him stand up. He creaked and we both laughed.

"I told you I'm old." He said.
"You're still one hot bone-creaking old man." I said. He chuckled a little.
"Sounds like you're flirting with me, Ms. Gilmour."
"Nope." I said. "Just stating facts." I said and I blew him a kiss as I ran to catch up with Emma.

Emma fitted me with blue fairy wings. With my short hair, I do look like tinker bell. She gave me a big bottle of fairy dust and a wand. My job is to run around the party and sprinkling fairy dust on the little kids. She would have a hell of a time vacuuming later. Who was I kidding? Of course she would have help with that too.

Turned out, Victoria and Xandra were my two other fairy honchos. They had been running around sprinkling fairy dust. I couldn't believe Emma didn't have trapeze installed so that we could really act like we were flying. It was such a beautiful time watching these little girls running around like crazy.
They were so so cute. Finally, it was time for the girls and the mommies to have afternoon tea. It was a real tea party. We munched on tea sandwiches, scones and quick breads, and sweets. It was a real treat and Emma did great in arranging everything. The girls didn't stay sitting very long. Each girl brought their own doll. If they didn't have one, it wasn't a concern as Laurel owned just about all American Girl Place dolls in production. In the midst of tea, the girls started to get antsy and went for the dolls. Aunty Victoria and and Aunty Xandra played the stylist and the hair dresser for the dolls. Emma got every body assigned to a post. I started laughing watching Vic actually using a curling iron to curl the dolls' hair. It was another sight to be seen.

Meanwhile, the men were in the family room towards the back of the house. John had different idea about real food for the men. He didn't want to have anything to do with finger sandwiches. So they were grilling in the back porch. Their screened heated back porch was quite comfortable in February. His infra red grill worked perfectly even in winter. We could smell grilled meats all the way to the living room. The great smell of steaks and shrimps on the grill was quite intoxicating. I was close to saying screw the tea sandwiches.

I actually sneaked to the porch for a little bit to see how the men were having fun. My boss, Jordan, saw me right away and he instantly scolding me.

"Women are not allowed in the men cave!" He said as he laughed at me.
"I'm not a woman. I'm a fairy." I said as I tried to flap my wings.
"What makes you think a fairy is not a woman?" John asked.
"Well, can you prove it that it's a woman?" I said and smiled. Nigel laughed watching me. He stood next to me.
"Ohhh... that looks good." I said looking at Nigel's shrimp skewer.
"Want a bite?" he asked as he put the skewer to my mouth.
"Oh yeah." I said as I took one shrimp off with my teeth. Jordan was looking at us a little strange.
Then I realized what I've done. Nigel and I have become totally more comfortable with each other more so than before. Instantly, I adjusted my attitude. However, Nigel didn't even seem to care.
"Nicely done, doc!" I said and smiled.
"Not overcooked?"
"Not at all." I said. "Plump too."
"Well, if the chef says so.." John said.

There were several other men there whom I didn't know. They're fathers of some of Laurel's friends and John's colleagues from the hospital. Usually, I would be up to flirt with some of John's doctor buddies. There would be no harm in getting to know some hot shot doctors. Yet, my heart was already set on one guy in particular. Though I knew I wouldn't be able to have him, my heart still wouldn't pay no heed to anyone else. I looked at Nigel who was talking to John and two other guys, and I knew my heart skipped a beat every time I caught him taking a glimpse at me.

"Seems like you and Nigel bonded over lunch." Jordan said. I acted like I wasn't surprised that he said that. "Yeah, we sure did." I said. "He's a real easy going guy." I said.
"Yeah, if I didn't have Nigel around, I quit Joie a long time ago." Jordan said. "I can't deal with Derek Stearns and Derek Stearns alone."
"Mh.." I laughed a little thinking of our other managing partner. Derek is definitely more vicious, and more stern compared to Nigel. The two of them are really like the good cop bad cop duo of SGE. At times, we even misspell his last name to "Stern." instead of "Stearns." He sure lives it up to his name.
"We sure are lucky to have Nigel." I said.
"Speaking of Nigel, he told me you were upset yesterday."
I glared at Jordan.."Wouldn't you?" I asked. "I thought you would tell me. Not Eric Phillips."
"Believe it or not, I found out from Nigel just now."
"Bullshit."
"I swear Sab." Jordan said. "I was pretty upset myself."
"What are they doing, Jordan? I mean seriously?"
"It's Eric and Derek. What do you want me to say?" Jordan said as he shrugged his shoulder. "I'm the Editor in Chief. I'm not in charge of Finance."
"I lost sleep over it last night." I said.
"Don't let it get to you." Jordan said. "You have nothing to worry about. Besides, I think Nigel thinks highly of you. He'll go out to bat for you. Though, I am not saying he even needs to do anything."
"I can't help it." I said. "I am worried. I can't depend on Nigel. He'll do what's needed for his company." I said.
"Perhaps, but we both have the utmost confidence in you." Jordan said.
"Thanks, boss." I said. "That made me a little warm and fuzzy inside." I said. "I need that." I said. "Wish I could sprinkle the fairy dust and flap my wings and all of these audit bullshits will disappear."
"It will soon enough. It'll pass before you know it."

That's how life has been lately. Up and down. High and low. After having a great picnic with Nigel, I got the news about the audit. Then,  we were able to voice our feelings for each other but just to forget about all of it. Next, he tried to kiss me just for me to put my hand on his chest to stop his lips to touch mine. Even today as we're having a great party, all I could do was staring at the man of my dream from afar and talking about work with my boss. Up and down. High and low. North and South.

Gravity.

Chapter 13

The only way I know to forget about bad day is to cook. Today wasn't bad all the way, yet I couldn't shake the blue. I was feeling blue the whole time after I walked away from Nigel. My day could have ended up differently. It could have ended up with Nigel and I walking out together and find the nearest bed possible.

However, it didn't end up that way. It was my choice, as well as his, to not end the day that way. Would this morale victory make me feel better about myself? I thought it would. Yes, it did. Yet, I was feeling blue as blue could be.

I looked for Victoria before I left since I wanted to let things out. Again, she was nowhere to be found. It was rather strange that she kept on disappearing on me. She has done that a lot lately. I started to get a little suspicious of her. But, I really couldn't think much about Victoria as I was too busy thinking about Nigel. I was also busy thinking about this audit. Jordan will hear an earful of it tomorrow.

I stopped by the grocery store on the way home. I didn't feel like eating. I wasn't at all hungry. However, I really found the urge to use the kitchen and submerge myself in creating a delicious dish. Then, I thought about Laurel's birthday party tomorrow. Perfect! I would make things for that sweet little girl that calls me aunty Sabby. I went a little overboard. I bought a lot of stuff and had a big grand idea in mind. Oh...Emma will either love me or hate me tomorrow. Knowing Emma, she would have had everything in order already and my food will be a distraction. But, I didn't really care. If she cared that much, she really doesn't have to serve it.

As I was walking the grocery stores aisles, I got two text messages.

The first one was from Nigel. As soon as I saw his name on my phone screen, I cracked a smile.

"Still mad?"

That was all he said. I was going to reply right away; however, I changed my mind.

The second text was from Bobbie.

"I'm off tonight. Coffee later? Ethiopia is waiting."

I laughed. I did owe her a coffee date since I bailed yesterday. I quickly answered her.

"Yes! Come over please. Help me decorate cakes!"

Not long, I got another beep. It was Bobbie...

"What?! Can I just watch?"

Ugh, Bobbie. She really doesn't like to get her hands dirty with baking stuff. She cooks once in awhile, but she just rather eats her cake, not make it too. I answered her..

"No! Help me. Come over in an hour!"

She cracked me up. It would be a fun night with Bobbie around. Thank goodness for great friends. At least I wouldn't have the opportunity to be alone and feeling sorry for myself. I continued my grocery shopping. Boy, I love grocery shopping. I just simply love it!

My phone beeped again. It had to be Bobbie again, trying to get out of helping me decorating cake. I was 99.9% sure it was Bobbie giving me excuses why she should only just watch and not help. However, I was wrong. It was Nigel again.

"It appeared so...still mad."

I smiled reading what he said. Then, I was compelled to write him back. So I did.

"I'm not mad. Not anymore. I'm baking tonight for Laurel's party. It'll make me happy."

Nigel answered me right away - "I'm glad. Have fun baking. Can't wait to eat it tomorrow. Wish I could see you again tonight."

My heart just broke when I saw what he wrote. There was nothing I would rather do than be with him tonight. Instead..

"Will do. I'll see you tomorrow, Nigel. Have a good night."

My tears pooled in my eyes. I stood in the middle of a grocery store, and I just felt like crying. I looked up to the ceiling holding back tears. My heart wanted to show him how much I wanted him. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me. Instead, I said things I didn't want to say. I didn't even acknowledge his statement about wanting to see me. Perhaps it was best that way. I couldn't encourage it. I just couldn't. I surely shouldn't.

When I got home, I let it all out. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't think I would have the opportunity to feel sorry for myself, but I found it. How come when a great guy came along and he likes me and he wants me and he has to be married? How come? Why?

For once, I wish things could just line up properly for me. Just once. It has never been a straight line ever in my life.  If it was a straight line, it was pointing down south. I knew I have so many other things I could be grateful for. However, I would trade everything I have for a chance to be happy with someone I love forever. I really really would.

Good thing, not long after that, the door bell rang. I quickly wiped away my tears and tried to freshened up a bit after I buzzed Bobbie up. I didn't want to talk more about any of these though of course Bobbie would suffer through it with me. It was her choice to want to come over on her night off.

She brought dinner with her, a bottle of Viognier, and the Ethiopian coffee beans she couldn't shut up about. Ro looked tired. I guess a coffee date would do her good. She brought with her some pita breads, hummus, tabbouleh, and chicken kebabs to share. I really didn't feel like eating. I had absolutely no appetite.

"Why were you crying?"
"I wasn't crying." I said. "allergies."
"Since when?"
"Since tonight." I said and rolled my eyes. She rolled her eyes even more so than I could. The revolution of the roll was tremendous. I started laughing.
"Seriously, Ro, it was just allergy."
"Not the married boss?"
"Nope." I said. "You'll meet him tomorrow by the way. He's coming to Laurel's birthday party."
"I don't think I can make it there."
"What?"
"I have two matinee shows tomorrow. I'll be there after five. I'll meet him I suppose if he's still around."
"Oh... okay." I said. "Not a big deal if you meet him or not. He's just my boss."
"He's not the guy that made you cry?"
"I wasn't crying."
"Okay... Okay." Roberta said as she threw her hands in the air. "Come eat, Sabby."
"I'm not hungry." I said. I was busy starting the rice krispies treats. I would let the rice krispies set, and then I would cut them into shape. I would make it into lolly pops and then dip it in white chocolate.
"That was a first. You're not hungry."
"Maybe later." I said. "Had a late lunch." I said. "I'll take a glass of wine though."

We ended up baking up a storm. Then, I made devils food cake and carrot cake. I shaped them into balls and also dip them in chocolate. The kids will have fun tomorrow eating my lolly pops cakes.
Bobbie ended up having a lot of fun baking and decorating. She was actually a big help. It took awhile to get everything done and baked. By the time we were ready to decorate it was about 11 o'clock at night. That was when Bobbie started the coffee. She used my french press that she affectionately called "the plunger." I hated that word because it reminded me to the only plunger I knew. I haven't used a plunger ever since the day I moved in to my own place. I remember Peter always had to use the plunger at least once a week. He's a handsome man, my ex husband, but his shit still stunk and I didn't know what he spewed out every day to be needing the plunger so often. He claimed we had bad plumbing. I'd say it was both the house and him.

"Coffee smells great, Ro!" I said...
"You'll love it. I have to warn you, it is very robust...What time is Laurel's party?"
"I think at 2."
"Good. Just in case this will keep you up."
"Uh, I'm not worried. Nothing will keep me up tonight. I'm exhausted."
"You're exhausted every night. Maybe it's time for you to do some physical activity. Come climbing with me on Sunday."
"I pass."
"Come on...you'll feel better."
"No." I said. "I won't feel better. I'll be sore and I'll hate you."
"Whatever, hate me all you want." Ro said. "Exercise releases endorphines and that's the happy juice you need."
"I don't need anymore endorphines." I said. "Beside, you're the one who look tired." I added.
"I am tired. I have to admit I'm really really tired."
"Just work?"
"Work doesn't tire me." She said. "I'm doing things I love. I'll never get tired of dancing."
"So then? What is it?"
"I'm tired of Sam's schedule."
"Oh. I was wondering why you wanted to come over on your night off. I thought you sure would rather spend it with Sam."
"If he's in town. But of course, he's not!!"
"When is he coming home?"
"Sunday."
"Oh, so he will miss the party?"
"Ugh, he could care less about missing a kiddie party. I think he's even glad that he couldn't come."
"Hahaha...I suppose." I laughed thinking that a tired pilot would want to be around a bunch of kids running around inside the house.
"Sam is not that fond of kids." Ro said as she dazed. "We had a talk the other day about having kids... and he said maybe way way way later. He's too young now to be a dad."
"oh."
"What about me?? I'm not getting any younger!"
"You want kids, Ro?"
"You don't??"
"I do... but realizing my situation, I kinda leave it up to God."
"If I could, I would. I want one. At least one." I smiled.
"Really? I never knew you would want a child. You seem to be free spirited and agile. I didn't think you would want an anchor."
"Anchor?"
"Something that will weigh you down."
"I know what an anchor means."
"Well...I thought you were asking!" I said.
"I just couldn't believe you see a child as a weight."
"It's an expression." I said. "I do want a child. I would love one no matter how much he or she will weigh me down." I said and smiled.
"It was hard for me listening to him talking without even considering me."
"Well, he is young. You can't expect him to mature before his time. After all he is a man."
"It's selfish."
"True, but you're the one who chose to be in a relationship with a much younger guy. There's always pros and cons."
"Plus, he's never around." Roberta dazed again as she said it. "I'm getting tired of him, Sab. Yet I love him so so much. But I'm tired of him."
"Is he worth it?"
"I don't know." She said. She got up and pour two mugs of coffee. She also poured me some milk that she has heated as well for my coffee.
"Seems you need a serious heart to heart talk. If you're not even sure if he's worth it."
"I can say all these because he's not here. When he's here, the moment I see his face, my heart feels totally different. I just don't know for however long."
"You gotta talk it through with him. I'm not going to tell you what's the right thing to do. You guys need to talk."
"I know. I know."
"Mh...mh.....wow, it's incredible...!" I said after I took my first sip.
"Yeah. very nice coffee, right?"
I closed my eyes as I savored that beautiful rich taste of this Ethiopian Yirgacheffe coffee. It enveloped you with warmth, intoxicating floral like aroma, and unbelievably strong, yet refined flavor.
"It's so fragrant... and smooth. Almost better than Sidamo." I said.
"Yirgacheffe is a type of Sidamo, Sab. So, it's the same thing pretty much. It is grown in Sidamo"
"Oh, I didn't know."
"I know my coffee. This one here is practically the finest coffee from Ethiopia."
"Is it? You do know your coffee." I sputtered and took another sip.
"Ethiopians were the first to experiment with coffee and the one that turned it into a drink."
"You are a walking google." I said to her and laughed. Roberta just shrugged her shoulders, exuding the attitude of 'don't blame me I'm so smart'. Puhleazze.
"Mh..mh...will you give me some to keep?"I asked her
"Yeah, you can keep the whole bag. It's yours!"
I smiled. "Thank you." I said. "I need some good things in my life. Especially tonight."
 I just dazed. What a day. It was really just superb to be able to just sit here and drink coffee.

It has been a really long day. Usually a day like this will make me smile for the next week to come. However, people did really rain on my parade today. I really didn't want to think about it a second further. Despite the overdose on caffeine tonight, I fell asleep like a baby. I was exhausted. At least in my sleep I couldn't really think much of the direction of where I'm at.

Chapter 12

I really wasn't ready facing the handsome face of Eric Philips. For a second, I admired his chiseled face. He's truly a beautiful man. I could understand why he's so damn confident, or should I say cocky? I didn't know where my dislike came from. I must admit it was totally baseless on my part. However, no matter how pretty Eric is, he just doesn't do it for me. I saw his eyes following Victoria's move out the door of studio D. When he was done ogling her, his gorgeous blue eyes came back towards my direction. I gave him a forced smile - a smile that showed him that yes, I just saw you ogling my friend's ass all the way out the door.

"You didn't really want to talk to me just to ask for  my help to get you a date with Victoria, did you?" I asked. He squinted.
"No, why did you think that?" He said. I tilted my head.
"Oh, just checking." I said.
"Oh." He said. "I can do my own dirty work." he gave me his cocky smile. That's what I hate! That very smile of his! That's it.
"Sure you can." I said. "I have no doubt."
He shrugged his shoulders. "Besides, if I really wanted a date with Victoria, we would have been dating already."
"What's stopping you?" I asked.
"I simply didn't want to. But enough about me." He said and smiled. "I'm here for an official business, Sabrina."
I really wondered now what he wanted to talk to me about. My heart started to race a little bit. I guess I would find out soon enough.
"Okay..what is it?" I asked.
"How's the nice lunch with Nigel Gallagher?" He asked.
"It was splendid." I said. "He seemed to enjoy it very much."
"Well, it looked like a nice lunch. From what I heard it was a very long lunch."
"What are you getting at?" I asked. "We tried to kill two birds with one stone. Besides, it was whatever Nigel wanted."
He nodded. "Can't argue with the boss."
"Yes, you should know." I said. "What is it you want to talk to me about?" I asked again. I didn't understand why he was stalling and talking about things that were none of his business.
"Are you in a hurry?" Eric asked.
"Well, I have  a lot of things to do today." I said and gave him another fake smile.
He nodded like he was agreeing with me.
"I didn't mean to bother you if this isn't a good time. Sure that lunch took a lot of your time." He said. I laughed exasperated, but I said...
"No, go ahead. I have made you wait long enough." I said. "Just let me know what I can do to help."
He walked towards the table and he pulled out a chair and sat down. He was waiting for me to come there too. I followed his gesture and sat by him. Then, he looked me in the eyes and said..
"SGE is analyzing their finances for this fiscal year. As you know, things are not like it used to be for magazines." He said. Now, I was the one that squinted. He continued... "We're taking active measure in making sure we stay on top and profitable."
"Okay..." I said. Please God don't tell me they're doing restructuring again! I really didn't want to go through another round of downsizing. We just did it about four years ago and it was pure hell! It took me a long time to get along with my six people department.
"Are we going to downsize again?" I asked. "Please tell me no." I said.
"No." He said calm. I leaned back on my chair relief. "Whew.." I said.
"Not yet." He said. I went straight back with my eyes popping out.
"What?" I said slowly.
"Not yet." Eric affirmed it. "We're not there yet."
"Okay..enough of the suspense, Eric." I said. "Then, what?"
"Well, I just want to give you a formal notice that we're auditing your department."
"You what?"
"Audit, Sabrina. Be prepared and let my auditor do his job."
"Are you serious?? Audit? why? What did I do?" I said.
"It has nothing to do with you." Eric said. "We're looking at finances and processes as a company."
"So, every department is audited?"
"Eventually..." He said. "It will be case by case. However, right now it's your turn."
I stood up huffing.
"Son of a bitch." I said.
"Are you referring to me?" Eric said almost appalled.
"No.." I said. "Of course not." I said though deep down I wanted to say hell yeah of course I was referring to you, asshole! "It's just an expression. I'm sorry, I'm a little disturbed right now."
"Sabrina...it's just standard procedure." He said. "Relax. I'm sure you have nothing to hide."
"What? Of course I don't have anything to hide!" I said. "But why me? Why my department? I wanted to know why we're chosen?"
"Numerous reasons." Eric said. "Nothing I could disclose. Just please be prepared. However, do not fret. This is just a preventive measure and how we could install  better processes if we need to."
"It sounds like a bunch of horse shits." I said. Eric looked at me stern this time. He then answered me..
"I can assure you, it is not."
I just kept quiet. I was so angry at that point.
"Please comply, Sabrina. It will be over before you know it." He said.
"Fine." I said.
"Thank  you." He said. "You'll get emails about the details."

He got up and started to walk towards the door.

"Oh, one more thing." He said.
"What now?" I said.
"Part of the audit." He said. "Your next trip scheduled for next month to Singapore?"
"Yeah.."
"I'm coming with you."
I turned around to see him. "Why? For what?"
"To observe."
I knew my face was so ugly by then. "What's going on, Eric?"
"Nothing's going on. We just want to make sure things are done by procedure."
"I felt like I've done something wrong and not being trusted."
"No, not at all." He said. "We just want to learn better about what our staff do."
"More horse shits, Eric."
"No. No horse shits." He said. "This is real shits."
"Great." I said.
"You look very very lovely, by the way, Sabrina." He said. I shot him a glare that could kill someone. He smiled and closed the door.

I really couldn't believe that ten minutes ago, I was the happiest girl on earth. It all changed to horse shits. He could say until he's blue in the face that all of these were intended for good purpose and nothing personal. I took it personally and I was offended.

I was so mad I almost threw the crystal vase to the wall. Instead, I marched to find Nigel.
I found him not far from the studio. He hasn't even made it back yet to his side of the building. He was talking to several copywriters and he saw me coming and he looked puzzled looking at my fuming expression.

"Sabrina..." He said. "What's going on?"
"May I have a word?" I said.

He excused himself and he walked towards me.
"Good God, what happened? I could see smoke coming out of your ears." He said.
"Did you know about it?" He looked even more confused.
"Elaborate."
"The audit...Did you know about the audit?"
He frowned but he didn't answer me.
"Did you know before lunch that the company has decided to audit me? Were you having lunch with me to observe all the malignancies of my department as well?"
"Sabrina.." He said...he put his hand on the small of my back and lead me towards an empty conference room. I was still so mad. I couldn't believe his action if he really did have lunch with me and the whole time he was just observing what I did. From the extravagant effort I put into making the lunch nice for him and me spending hours of company's time on him, I just felt like the biggest fool. I just felt so mad and stupid.
"Well?" I asked him as he turned around to face me after the door closed behind him.
"First off," He said..."You really shouldn't question your managing partner in that tone." He said.
"You're pulling rank on me?" I said. "Nigel, I understand who you are and the sole reason I did a nice lunch presentation for you because you are my managing partner. However, if you did it under pretense, I have every right to be mad." I said loud. "I can't believe it if you did, and it's just crazy. One minute you were having lunch and enjoying yourself. The next you sent your attack dog to bite me? What...what's all that?" I was huffing and hyperventilated and this time it wasn't because he took my breath away for being so handsome, but it was because I was pissed off beyond belief.
"Sabrina.." He said...he held me by the shoulders...."Calm down." He said. Our eyes met and in a split second, I was cool as yogurt after I saw his shiny green eyes. Again, I lost all my senses. He looked at me too. He whispered softly one more time, "Calm down, Sabby." I could see his pupils changed from big to small. They were intense for a second with emotions and then they also calmed down as I was calming down. He still held me with his two strong arms, but his grip loosened. He all of a sudden said...
"You're a fire cracker." To my surprise, he caressed my face with his hand softly. I closed my eyes savoring every touch. His hand felt so warm on my face and I felt my blood runs through my veins. When I opened my eyes again, our face were so close to each other. He was about to kiss me. My heart was racing like crazy.
"Nigel..." I said, and I put my hand on his chest trying to stop him coming any closer, though deep down I had been hoping for this moment to arrive for months and months. He nodded, and he said..."I really really want to kiss you right now." He said. My eyes were fixated at him and my lips were open anticipating his to touch mine. At the same time, my hand stopped him from coming down towards me. I really had horrible eye hand coordination. Really horrible.
"Nigel.." I called him, and my head tilted to the side, almost wanting to say no without really wanting to say no. He let go off me softly.

I took a deep deep breath after that.

"I'm sorry.." He said. "I'm sorry for saying that."
I turned to him, and I touched his arm lightly..."Don't." I said. "I want to kiss you too like you wouldn't believe." I said. I traced his hand with my finger. I could see him forming goosebumps. He looked at me, and I looked at him. We both smiled to each other. "We really shouldn't." I said. "No matter how much we want to." I said.
He nodded. "I know." He said. "I couldn't even though there's nothing that I want more than to do just that."
I smiled. "I'm flattered." I said. "But, I don't do married men." I said. "I knew how it felt like when women slept with my then husband." I said. "I wouldn't do that to another woman."
He smiled quaintly towards me. "I know." He said. "I know you wouldn't." He said. "I'm not that type of men either." He said. "I have never been unfaithful to my wife. Not once. Though I couldn't say the same anymore here." He said as he pointed at his chest. He dazed...and he looked at me... "You made me feel like a man again." He said. "I didn't know how but you made me feel like I used to 10 years ago. It felt fantastic." He said. "And all we did was talking."
"I don't know what to say." I said and smiled. "We have a lot to talk about." He nodded agreeing with me. "Yes, we do."
"But, you really know how to change the subject." I said.
"You're so beautiful when you're angry." He said. I laughed...
"I'm still angry."
"And you're still beautiful." he said. I leaned and sat on the table next to him. He nudged me with his shoulder trying to tease me. I looked down to the floor not believing the whole development. This was truly a roller coaster. I was going up, down, twisted, and on a loop.

"Listen.." Nigel muttered..."I did know Derek's directive for the departmental audits and I support it 100 percent." He said. "However, I have no knowledge that they have chosen your department." He said. "That is the truth." He said. "I did not eat lunch with you to spy on you." He said. "I had lunch with you and spent the time because I wanted to spend time with you. I did not purposely trying to have a four hour lunch just to test what you would have done." He said. "None of it. It was all me not wanting the lunch to be over."
I still stared at the floor.
"It wasn't me who sent Eric to tell you about the audit." He said. "If I did, wouldn't you think I would make sure I would be somewhere safe first before breaking the news? Why would I risk you marching to get me and ready to kill me?"
"I wasn't going to kill you." I said. "I wouldn't dare."
"Lady, you have sharp knives."
"That I do, but I don't bring it with me, do I?" I said as I turned to see him.
"Nevertheless, if I did send Eric, I would have thought of you and your knife."
I smiled... "Okay, you have a point."
"But, I'm sure they have their reasons of wanting to audit your department." Nigel said. "I did not go into details on finances and audits with Derek and Eric." Nigel said.
"But why me?" I asked "Nigel, he was so condescending." I said. "I didn't see why you two made him the CFO."
"He has long credentials, Sabby." He said. "Eric is a smart guy. He did not graduate from Harvard Business School for being a tool."
"He's so cocky." I said.
"Well, putting personal judgments aside, Derek Stearns trusts him with his life."
"How about you?"
"I trust Derek with my life." I rolled my eyes.
"In other words, I'm screwed."
"Why are you screwed? This audit is not for defamation purposes." Nigel.
"How embarrassing is that when people know that I am audited. Me...my department alone."
"Who said it's just going to be your department? Eventually every one will be audited. We have to start somewhere. Yours, Fashion, and Sales definitely will all be audited because you're the core departments for Joie."
"Huuuh." I sighed.
"You can't take this personally." He said. He tapped me by the hands.
"Nigel... seriously? This is really happening? Can you do something about it?"
"I would do anything for you, Sabby. However if I did, it will just do us both a disservice. It will be the death of me when Derek, and or Eric sensed favoritism. Do you want that?"
"No. Of course not. I didn't ask you for favoritism." I said.
"Didn't you just ask me if there's something I could do? I'm old, but I haven't yet needed a hearing aid."
"Hahaahaa." I laughed.
"She laughed." Nigel said sarcastically.
"How old are you?" I asked.
"Why should I tell?" He said. "Old enough to be your father."
"No way. How old do you think I am?" I asked.
"Well, you don't look a day passed twenty five but you couldn't be the Chief Food Editor for Joie being twenty five." He said. "So, I guess you are thirty three years old."
"Close. I'm thirty six." Nigel looked surprised.
"I would not have guessed it." He said. "You don't look your age, Sabrina."
"That's good to know. I take it. Though it meant now you  think I'm too old." I said.
"That's rubbish. That's just utter rubbish. However, I could understand why it was quite easy for us to converse. I did expect a generation gap but it never happened." I smiled. 
"So, I guess, you can't be as old as my dad because you yourself look like you're in your early 40s, It's your turn to tell."
"You can guess too." He said. "But you're right...I can't be your father." He said. "Unless I fathered you when I was eleven."
"You're 47."
"Good guess." Nigel smiled.
"I can do simple math." I said. He laughed.
"You'll be fine with this audit, Sabby." He said.
"Yeah." I said. "I guess I have no choice. I have nothing to hide. I just felt singled out and I just wanted to know why me."
"It's not you. It's your department, and you're not being singled out." I kept quiet watching my shoes. Nigel nudged me one more time...
"You'll be okay." He said.
"Ugh...and he told me he will travel with me on my next trip to observe. I mean, I have to put up with him too? On a trip?"
"I have no idea on that." Nigel said. "It's twenty four hour flight to Singapore, Nigel." I added.
"You don't have to sit next to him. Sit elsewhere. Put him on coach." We chuckled a little on the notion putting the CFO on coach while I would be in business class.
"Just can't stand him." I said. "You know, I was indifference before. I thought he's cocky and don't care for him much. But now..I just can't stand him." Nigel laughed.
"I'm glad I'm not Eric." I smiled to Nigel.
"If you're not married. I would have been on top of you right now. That's how much I care for you." I said. Nigel smiled.
"If I'm not married, I would have let you do that and more." I swallowed. He swallowed.
"I think we've passed the threshold of skirting around inappropriate." I said. Nigel nodded.
"I think so." He said. I looked at him... He looked at me. I saw a speckle of pain in his eyes.  Then he said, "Being inappropriate is the least of my worries right now." He said. "I'm more bothered on the fact that I have this feeling and I'm telling you all about it, and there's nothing I can do."
"I have the same situation for months." I said.
"Months? Since Napa?" He asked.
"Since Napa."

We were quiet for a good two minutes. I turned to see him, and I said.. "friends?"
He nodded and smiled. "It would be my honor."
I leaned towards him, and I kissed his cheek. Then, I got up and walked towards the door and did not turn back.

Around 10:00 AM, my heart was filled with anticipation. It was like a magma filled with hot lava fighting the earth pressure wanting to explode. By noon, I was excited beyond belief, and it felt like sunshine and hot sands on my feet as I was running on the beach feeling great and delighted. By three, I found that happy clam on the beach. Not long after that, the volcano erupted and lava spewed out. By four o'clock, the clam was cooked on the beach by the hot lava.

I didn't know how my day changed 180 degrees several times in several hours. One word came to mind - yoyo. I was real happy to be able to spend time with Nigel. I was even feeling okay about the bomb Eric dropped me on the audit because it got Nigel and me to open up. We actually talked about our feelings. We were stimulated so much that the inevitable almost happened. I was proud that neither one of us stooped to do the unthinkable though both of us had the urge of wanting to do it. I knew if he made the leap and actually kissed me, I might have not felt the same way nor would I have the same respect for him. Sure he would feel the same way about me if I would have kissed him. He would have thought of me as a home-wrecker cheap slut. I was always scared that if something were to happen with Nigel, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. However, something did happen today. Yet, I knew I could see myself in the mirror easily.

I was proud of myself. I was proud of Nigel. We were honest to each other about what we felt and it said a lot about a person. At the same time, we did show a tremendous constraint and respect to reality. It was really hard to know what I know now with everything being out in the open between Nigel and me, and to continue to have feelings, and there's absolutely nothing we could do to consummate that feeling. I wasn't sure which one was more of a torture - not knowing where I stand, or knowing but can't have. Either way sucks.

So, at the end, this day was worse than horse shit. I still have this audit looming over my head. I have Eric Phillips to contend with for however long. The worst part of all was hearing Nigel said he wanted to kiss me and that if he weren't married, he would have let me be on top of him and even some more.

Life is cruel. Nothing I have expected ever come true. Life always gives me twists and turns without ever falling tired. Will I ever find the way to the center? I didn't even want to go up north. I just want to go towards the middle a little bit. I just can't seem to ever make it there.

This is south of the middle love story.

Chapter 11

It was incredible what you could get done in a short time when you received help from something called adrenaline. I didn't remember what I did in the hour and a half I had to prepare for my test shoot, and really..for my picnic with Nigel.  It was a total blur! Though it was the only thing that was on my mind, I didn't forget that at the end of the day he's still the managing partner of SGE and Joie Magazine. I had to still make sure that above all, it would still stay professional. It wasn't easy.

Thank goodness for a great crew. I love my two sous chefs/ research chefs so much. If they were an engine, they would be a twin turbo engine that work simultaneously without causing any lags. Thank heaven for Jenna and Gray. Though I cared about the food, the set, the lighting and everything else, I also cared about me. Unfortunately, I had to take almost 20 minutes with Victoria begging for clothing to change into.

"What's got into you?" Vic asked when I barged in to her office.
"Oh, boy!" I said as I fanned myself. "Do you have a brown bag?" I asked as I was panting.
"Sure." Vic said and gave me a reusable Bloomingdales' brown bag from her bottom drawer. She handed it to me. I took it and looked at it confused.
"What?" She asked.
"I mean brown bag so I can breathe into it... " I said. "or..barf." I started coughing and coughing.
"Oh..." Vic said. "How should I know. I only know one type of brown bag."
"Apparently." I said. "Vic...I need clothes!! Help me..help me...help me.."

I was frantic. I thought she was going to give me a hard time for wanting to look nice for Nigel. However, she just helped me and got me a really cute spring dress. It's white, light, and very springy.  It looked simple but for some reason, it looked really nice on me. I was really surprised that Vic dressed me perfectly on the first try. I actually really loved that Max Azria BCBG dress she loaned me. The dress complemented me very much but it didn't scream that I was trying hard. It was quite unassuming. I liked it. Vic also made her staff helped me with make up and hair.

"Be careful, Sabby." She finally gave me that accusing look. I was waiting for it since the first step I took into her office. I nodded. "It was my idea, but I didn't think he would take me up on it." I said.
Vic nodded. "It was innocent, Vic..I swear. I asked Jordan and him both just as a courtesy."
"Just be careful." She said. "But have fun. I could tell you're excited." She smiled.
"Excited..yeah..that's barely scratching the surface." I said. "Thanks.." I said as I looked at my dress and smiled. She nodded. "Don't get it dirty."
"I won't." I said and turned around and closed the door.

But then, I remembered I forgot to ask her about her remarks the other day concerning me doing something stupid with Nigel. So I quickly opened the door again..

"One more thing." I said.
"More?" She said. "What more could I possibly do for you, your Highness?"
I smirked. "Funny." I said.
"Well, I think  you used all your lifelines for a day!"
"Just a question. Yesterday - when I  told you I had a bad day, how come you thought right away I did something stupid with Nigel?"
"Uh...why wouldn't I?"
"Wouldn't I feel great if I did something bad with him?" I said. "You didn't think I had a chance with him, did you?" Vic looked at me, tilted her pretty head, and threw her pen to the table.
"If you felt great, Sabrina...then you're really not the friend I knew." She said. I was surprised seeing how Vic reacted so strongly against my question. After I heard what she said, it made sense to me. I totally saw it from the other way around. All I could do was just to smile and I closed the door.

All of a sudden I lost all that excitement. I was really excited to have this picnic with the guy I happened to have feelings for. It wasn't excitement because the managing partner took an interest in my project. No, it was because he happened to be the guy that has been filling my heart with dreams. However, listening to the last sentence Victoria said to me was like a knife that cuts a straight line down to the heart and stabbed me in the chest. She was right. This wasn't me. I felt like running away. I just wanted to go home and hide under a blanket.

Vic really knew how to kill the mood. Yet, it was me who posed the question. I got hung up thinking that it was all more like a competition and Vic didn't think I had what it takes to attract a guy. I always feel that she knows that she can get any guy she wants and can do it in a snap of a finger. I took offense thinking that she thought I was crazy to have the audacity to even hope that a guy like Nigel Gallagher would give me the time of day. While the whole time she was just thinking the fact that he's a married man.

When I got to the set, I was mesmerized on how well the chefs and the stylist had prepared the set. We usually don't do a test shoot this elaborate. However, Nigel would be joining us. The big arch window let in an intense sun rays magnified by the snow outside. It was really bright but it gave such life to the set. On the floor, my staff had laid a plaid picnic blanket, violet tulips on a Waterford vase, Denby spring collection place settings, and stemwares from Schott Zwiesel Tritan collection. It looked fabulous. The food was arranged nicely as well on the floor and we both were given a small tray tables which were a really nice touch!

"Whoaa..guys, this look fantastic!" I said. I got totally excited again looking at how great the food looked and how the set was just how I imagined it except better.
"Whoaa..chef, you look hot!" Gray said. "You cleaned up well." Gray said.
"Stop flirting with the chef, Gray." Jenna said and hit him on the arm.
"Hahaha..I'm just giving her a compliment. Why, you don't agree that she looks hot, Jenna?"
"Yeah, she's been dressing up lately." Jenna said and she gave me a frown. Then she muttered.."I wonder why."
"Ugh...because Nigel would do the test shoot with me. Duh." I said. "But oh my.... I love it I love it!" I said. "Gray, did you save some of the artichoke melt for our lunch?"
"Yep. I'll fire them as soon as you guys are done and ready to eat."
"Ok. Do we have any other wines?" I screamed.
"What do you want?" Jenna asked.
"Not Pinot Noir." I said. "Definitely not Pinot Noir." I said. "Get some sparkling. Prosecco or Cava."
"Yes, chef."

I was busy directing and coordinating that I didn't realize Nigel had arrived. The stylist took him to get him more comfortable and styled his clothing. He had on a dark blue suit with blue and white striped shirt. They took off his coat, and rolled his sleeve. He actually looked relax and ready for a picnic.

"Hey.." I said to him and smiled looking at him being manhandled.
He smiled at me and let out a laugh.."This is one of the most elaborate lunch ever."
"We're trying to kill two birds with one stone." I said and laughed. "Hope you didn't mind."
He shook his head. "No, not at all. I would look rather stupid if I stayed in my suit for a picnic, I suppose." He said.
"It's just a test shoot." I said. "If you prefer that."
"Don't be silly, Sabrina." He said. "This is quite all right."
"It won't take long." I said. "Then, we can really eat." I said. "This is payment for lunch." I said. "You're not surprised are you?"
"Of course not." He said. "It's a good use of company's money."
I laughed.
"You look lovely, by the way, Sabby." He said. He called me Sabby. I didn't think I have ever heard him called me that intimately. I really liked the ring of it. I couldn't help but smile.
"Thank you, Nigel."  I said and smiled and walked away because I was about to lose my wits.

We went right ahead to the test shoot. We actually had a lot of fun and Josh the photographer said we both looked very natural being fake models and all. I was surprised of how comfortable it was being photographed with Nigel. We just sort of talked and ate tiny bites. There was one shot taken when Nigel acted like he was reading Joie, and I tried to take a peek. I couldn't wait to see the results. We were done with the shoot in a half hour. By the time it was done, our table was ready. That's what happened when you had chefs on staff and a huge production kitchen. It was quite convenient and Gray did a marvelous job on the table setting.

"I must say that was quite a lot of fun, Sabrina." Nigel said.
"Hahaha...yeah, I agree." I said. "It was one of the coolest test shots I've done." I said. "Of course, it's special since we have you with us." Nigel laughed and made a hand gesture undermining what I said.
"It was your hard work that made it special." Nigel said. "..and your staff, of course. They did a marvelous job." He said.
"They're the best." I said. "I hope you're still hungry."
"I'm famished." Nigel said. "The little bites were really cruel tease."
"Well, here's the real lunch." I said as I served him one of the artichoke melt sandwich.
"Mh...I can't wait to sink my teeth into it."
"Go right ahead." I said. "Thank you by the way, for being a good sport."
"No..no...I was excited." He said. "Jordan warned me I wouldn't eat for free."
"hahaha." I laughed. "We usually didn't do such an elaborate test shoot. But when everyone realized you would be joining us for lunch, it just upped the ante by several notches."
"Ah." He said. "They took me that seriously around here?"
"Yeah, I don't know why." I said sarcastically.
"Yes, I wouldn't know either." Nigel said as silly. I laughed watching him. "Mh..mh...this is so delicious."
"Thank you." I said.
"You just thought of making this today? The whole combination?"
"Well, yes..but it's hardly a ticket to win the Nobel prize." I said.
"If it were up to me, it would be a different story." Nigel said. I just couldn't help but smile looking at him enjoying the food I created. He was so into eating the sandwich. He looked so happy. He looked so handsome. Gosh, he looked so damn handsome. His eyes were sparkly green like emerald in the sun. I just wished I could reach to him and kiss those artichoke laced lips.
"...and these little chips! What did you say it was again?" He said out loud, waking me up from my day dream.
"Oh! Arrow heads, or arrow roots." I said. "It's quite popular in the Asian communities during this time around Chinese New Year." I said. "Very tasty, right?"
'They're superb!" Nigel said. "I can't believe I have never had it. All I know is they make powder out of Arrow roots."
"Yes...we use it in a lot of slurry.."
"As a thickener."
"You're absolutely right." I said and nodded. "This is a very healthy starch, Nigel. It has very low glycemic index, much lower than potatoes. It's great for diabetics." I said.
"Is it really?" Nigel asked. "Something this yummy?"
"Especially if you didn't deep fry it, they're even healthier." I said.
"Can I take some to go?"
"Hahah..sure thing. I need to check if we have some left. If not, we'll make some for you."
"I'm just being silly." He said. "It is quite all right. I think I ate a kilo of it already."
"Oh, I doubt I made that much." I said.
"This is really nice, Sabrina." Nigel said as he looked at me with a friendly look in his eyes. I cracked a smile...Then he added.."Thank you for inviting me to lunch."
"The pleasure is all mine." I said. "When could I say I had the mighty Nigel Gallagher in my test shoot?"
"Oh, you can have me anytime if you're serving food like these." He said. "You're a terrific company on top of it too." He said.
"Oh, good." I said and laughed. "I invited my staff to join us too, but they seemed to be quite intimidated." I was totally lying about it. I just wanted this to be just the two of us. In fact, I banned them to be in the room.
"Oh, it's fine." Nigel said. "This is great." He said. "I'm not sure if I was up to talk to the whole staff. This is a treat." He said. Oh, good deal then. Perfect that he felt the same way about lunch being just the two of us. Then he said, "I mean, I wouldn't mind if they joined us, but frankly, I am glad you and I got to converse."
"So do I." I said. He smiled. "Frankly, I always enjoy talking to you. We don't have much opportunities to chat however."
"No.. no, we don't." I said. "Wow. I'm flattered that you actually enjoy talking to me, this lowly food editor."
"Don't be silly. You're easy to talk to. At times, I get so tired that all the staff act so stuffy around me. Like you said earlier, intimidated."
"But of course, you're their big boss, my big boss." He shrugged his shoulders.
"Understood. However, I'm just human." He said. "I still want to belch like anyone else after a good meal." I laughed. He laughed too. "Not that I would." He said. "Not in front of a lady anyway."
"Hahaha....have more bubbly." I said and poured him some more of the Prosecco.
Nigel raised his glass to me. "Cheers, Sabby."
"Cheers." I said.

We talked and talked about so many different things. I didn't feel pressured to talk just strictly about business. We branched out and just talking about life in general. We talked shop for awhile, but the rest was quite personal. He asked about my family and how I got interested in food. He asked me a lot about who I am. It was so refreshing. Time must have flown by as when I looked at the clock it was almost three in the afternoon.

"Gosh..I can't believe it's three!" I said. Nigel looked at his very expensive Girard Perregaux watch.
"Have we been talking for hours?"
"Yes.." I laughed. "Time flew by. I hope you didn't think this is all I do daily..just eat and talk for hours on company's dime."
"Mh, you could have fooled me." Nigel said.
"Nigel!" I said and laughed and gosh...I tapped him on the hand and he held my hand and laughed.
I felt a surge of warmth filling my entire body. It felt like July instead of February. I softly took my hand away afraid that I would do something crazy. I was also afraid if anyone would see it. Nigel also let it go and went along with me. We both smiled at each other awkwardly.

"My wife never likes food." Nigel said. "I found it crazy for a person to  not like food." Nigel added. "I mean, we have to eat to live, might as well enjoy it."
It was the first time he brought up his wife in our conversation. There it went my happiness. Out the window. I couldn't help but to feel jealous and I was green with envy. However, I tried my best to hide my true feeling.
"How come? What do you mean she does not like food?"
"She just never really enjoys dining out and eating in general." Nigel said. "Meanwhile, I'm obsessed with food."
"She sounds like Victoria, about the whole not eating part." Nigel nodded.
"Victoria does remind me of Marcy."
"So, she must be beautiful." I said, jealous. I was so jealous.
"Yes, of course. She's beautiful." Nigel said. "What's left of her anyway." Nigel said.
"I'm sorry, Nigel. How is she doing? Forgive me for not asking earlier."
"Oh, it's quite alright." Nigel said. "Her condition does not really improve from day to day. She's under 24 hour care. Her life right now is about sleeping and dialysis. She's quite sick."
"Sorry to hear."
"I blame it on all the crash diets she used to do when she was younger. Royally ruined her kidneys. For someone who doesn't really eat, it's unbelievable to me that she's so obsessed with her weight."
"Oh." I said.
"She had eating disorders for years. Diet pill this, that fad diet..." Nigel said. "The pressure of being young and beautiful took its toll. While really, she's always fine and beautiful to me." Nigel said.
"I didn't realize that." I said. "You didn't mention how she got sick when we talked in Napa." I said.
"I don't like talking in a negative tone about Marcy. But, I feel like I can talk honest with you.  It does weigh me down. I can't lie to you. This whole thing with Marcy." He sighed. " I wish she would have eaten like normal people. She wouldn't be in this predicament for the rest of her life."
"I told Victoria that all the time. She hardly eats." I said. "She eats to live, and I live to eat." I laughed. "I'm the chubby friend every beautiful girl has."
"Sabrina...you are far from chubby." Nigel said. "If you think you are chubby then you have a very terrible body image of yourself."
"I'm not slender like Victoria."
"Um, I think you're dead wrong on that. You're not a skinny girl, but I found you slender and I think you're just perfect."
I frowned. "Perfect?"
"Yes." Nigel said. "Take that as a compliment. Most men don't find skinny women attractive. On the contrary." I laughed. Nigel laughed.
"I hope I don't offend you." Nigel laughed. "I feel I am being inappropriate. I will lose my job over this I have a feeling."
"hahaha." I laughed. "How could you lose your job when you own the firm?"
"Easily." He said. "Maybe it's the Prosecco talking." He said. "We shouldn't have been drinking on the job."
"We shouldn't have talked for hours and take a four hour lunch either."
We just burst into laughs.

 All of a sudden, the door flew open. Here came Victoria and Eric Phillips.

"Hey...you guys are still eating?" Vic asked confused. "It's past three!"
"We were having a very important meeting." Nigel said and laughed.
"Sure you are." Vic said. "If I didn't know you any better, I would have believed you, Nigel." Vic said very flirty as she bent over to kiss Nigel on the cheek. Nigel looked straight at me and just nodded as he smiled quaintly. I couldn't believe Vic. What was she trying to pull?
Nigel stood and offered his hand to Eric. "Eric.." He said.
"Nigel..how are you, sir?"
"Just great." Nigel said. "Sabrina made a really delicious lunch. I'm really stuffed." He said. I smiled.
"Oh, Eric..I forgot I need to see you today." I said.
"He was looking for you." Vic said. "That's why I brought him here because we couldn't find you anywhere else." Vic said.
"It was my fault." Nigel said. "I kept her for way too long."
"I'm jealous, Nigel." Vic said as again she smiled in her very flirty way. However, the weird part was Nigel didn't really pay attention at all to Victoria's antics. I knew she didn't mean anything. She just couldn't help herself. It also made me feel great as even though the beautiful Victoria Perkins was there trying to steal some of Nigel's attention, he was still fixated at me. That, made me feel like a million dollar.
"So sorry, Eric." I said. "Please forgive me." I said.
"Oh, I think Nigel trumps me any day." He said and laughed.
"Well, I better leave." Nigel said. He came to me and said.."Sabrina, thank you again for a terrific lunch." He said and he kissed my cheek.
"Anytime." I said and smiled. "Eric, Victoria..." He said and nodded to them. Then he waved at us as he walked away.  He snagged his suit coat and walked towards the door. I watched him leaving Studio D. As he walked out of the door, he turned to see me and smiled. Vic caught that and gave me a look.

"We'll talk later." Vic said. She didn't smile and all of a sudden she just had no expression whatsoever in her face.

She left me and Eric alone. I looked at Eric and though I was dizzy from smelling Nigel's cologne not a second ago, I caught the beautiful eyes of Eric Phillips gazing at me. I was like holy cow...what is going on? One hot guy after another? It must have been my lucky day. I wasn't ready for Eric and whatever so important he needed to talk to me about. I haven't even digested what happened with Nigel. What happened was a great long  lunch with a man I surely do care about. Spending this afternoon with him, I realized that I didn't only find him attractive, I also care a lot about him. I wasn't sure why but all I wanted was to be nice to him. It really touched me that he opened up to me and told me the truth about what he  thought of me. He could have masked everything for the sake of being professional. He was so vulnerable and he just told the truth despite the risk.

I couldn't help but feeling elated that Nigel thought I was easy to talk to. I couldn't help but feeling ecstatic that he thought I was perfect. Nigel Gallagher thought I was perfect. At that point on, I felt front and center. If I were the compass, I was the round thing in the middle, the bubble of gas where the star bursts from. I was nowhere South.

Chapter 10

Other than my four dear friends, when all fail, I can always count on my first love - cooking. Cooking is almost like a therapy for me and it is even better than any human therapists with multiple psychology degrees. It is also better than any alcohol and drugs combined. Cooking can remedy my worst pain almost like magic. I can forget just about anything when I totally submerge myself in the kitchen. I can never feel bad being in the kitchen.

My mom told me I liked being in the kitchen from very early on. I had pictures of me as a toddler in the kitchen with my mom, working on a spice blend using her pestle and mortar. I also had recollection of how I loved pounding on the spices as hard as I could to make a good paste. Some moms would think it would be dangerous to let a little girl handling a pestle and mortar; but, my mom recognized my talent even then! I vividly remember being in Bali and picking up wild hibiscus flowers. Then, my mom showed me how I could extract oil from the flowers. We would soak them in water, and then we would squeeze real hard. Next, thick gooey oily substance would ooze out. We then used the oil to play cooking using clay kitchen appliances toys. These clay pots and pans were very traditional toys for little kids in Bali and Java Islands of Indonesia. They didn't have easy-bake oven and the sort back then. They weren't really toys because they actually were very functional. These thoughts were my oldest recollections of cooking and being in the "kitchen." I remember how fun it was and how I used to have such a blast playing.

Thinking about those old cooking memories brought a smile to my face. I didn't know why when I opened my eyes this morning, the first thing I thought of was cooking. Guess what? That would be just what I was going to do. I would forget about anything that wear heavy in my heart and set them aside. I would just cook my heart out today.

Well, Emma and John's little girl, Laurel, would be celebrating her fourth birthday exactly tomorrow. Emma has been planning a lavish party for Laurel for weeks now. I couldn't wait to see her hard work coming to life tomorrow. Emma asked me sometime ago about making the birthday cake. Frankly, I forgot but what a great project it would make for today!

I called Emma immediately..

"Hello.." That wasn't Emma..
"John!" I said. "You're not Emma." I said.
"I'm her husband." He said and laughed. "Her cell happened to be by me and it's ringing at 7 AM."
"Hahaha..sorry for calling so early." I said. "Did I wake you?"
"No...I was just trying to get some sleep. I just got home. I was at the hospital all night."
"Oh! My bad." I said. "Emma usually is up already this time of day..thus why.."
"I know, Sabrina. You don't have to feel bad." John chuckled. "I wasn't sleeping yet. Hold on..let me give this to her."

Not long I heard the familiar chirping of Emma's voice complete with her slight English accent.

"Yes, Sabby?"
"Em! what cake am I making?" I asked.
"You're talking about Laurel's birthday cake, are you not?"
"Yes! what else?"
"The day before the party you want to know what cake you are making?"
"I know..I know." I said feeling bad. It was really last minute on my part. "I've been so busy. I apologize for not checking sooner."
"Sabrina, I have ordered a cake!" Emma said.
"What?? How could you order a cake? From whom?!"
"From a local bakery close by here, Labriola."
"Emma....why did you do that?"
"Well...because!" She said. "You never confirmed. I had to get it done. It would be a disaster if my baby wouldn't have a birthday cake. She wanted a pink fairy cake."
"Oh...geez..." I said. "You bought a cake? Seriously?"
"Yes." She said. "I've been busy too. I figured if you didn't commit you're too busy and that's fine. I didn't want to impose."
"But you're not. Why didn't you pick up the phone and call?"
"Again, just because I am not working, does not mean I have all the time in the world! Oh, I've been so busy preparing for this party. So much shopping to do - getting Laurel's dress, shoes, and all the favor bags I'm preparing, and catering, and the cake, and decorations, and the stupid magician that I was going to hire was just getting on my last nerve!"
"Oh my... what are you going to do for Laurel's sweet sixteen party?"
"Oh...I have twelve years to think about that." Emma said. "First thing first."
"I'm being facetious." I said.
"Well, I'm not!" She said.

There it went my project, out the window.  Yet, it didn't stop me. I wanted to cook and I would do exactly that.Got to the office on time and I changed into my kitchen gear. I felt great already being in my chef garb. I may have looked great the other day all done up; however, chef coat, apron, and clogs are me. It couldn't get anymore natural than that for me.

Jenna and Gray, my other Research Chef, were already busy prepping for dishes to be photographed for today. We were working for Spring menu and Easter theme dishes. They were astonished to see me ready for war in the kitchen. Of course I didn't have much ingredients to work with since I didn't procure anything the night before. Thinking fast, I came up with four quick menu items for an indoor picnic luncheon. I already pictured the set - in a big loft apartment, a spread on the concrete floor. We could do it so easily in our studio next door. We had a cool set in this studio - exposed brick wall, concrete floor, big windows, wood beams...it would be just perfect with little tweaking.

I was making a shaved fennel and arugula salad with citrus dressing when I heard people were walking in.

"Hey hey...Sabby." Mh....sounded like the boss. I turned around expecting Jordan checking up on me.
"Hey J.." I said as I turned my neck to greet him. Yet, I found something unexpected in my horizon.

Nigel.

My mouth gaped a little, digesting who just entered my day. Nigel was behind Jordan and he and his eyes smiled immediately when our eyes met. My heart just melted. It just melted as soon as I laid my eyes on those green eyes of Nigel Gallagher. I quickly returned the smile and tried not to be too obvious though my heart was leaping out of my chest!

"Hello Sabrina." Nigel said friendly.
"Hi Nigel..." I said. "You're still in town." I said.
"I am.." He said. "I'm leaving on Sunday, as a matter of fact." He said.
"Yeah, he's staying put for Laurel's birthday party tomorrow." Jordan said. "Aren't you making the cake?"
Nigel's coming tomorrow? Oh my God! Oh, God. Oh good God. Oh good God get a grip, girl!
"Oh, wonderful." Nigel said. "Sabrina is making the cake?" Nigel asked Jordan. Jordan nodded and smiled.
"Actually I'm not." I said and smiled.
"No?" Jordan asked confused.
"No." I said. "Your sister ordered one from a local bakery by her. She said I didn't confirm soon enough and she didn't have time to chase me. So she just ordered one."
"Oh..Emma can be so impatient." Jordan said.
"Well, she's a busy mother of two." I said. "She had to get things done." I laughed.
"That's too bad." Nigel said. "Your cupcake the other day, was terrific. Spot on for Valentine's Day."
I smiled from ear  to ear.
"Was it, Nigel?" Jordan asked. "I didn't get to taste that."
"You weren't here." I said. "It was really good. Jenna did a good job. Besides, it was pink." I said.
"Ugh." Jordan muttered. "I have a feeling I will have plenty of pink to eat this weekend." I laughed.
"Oh yes.." I said. "You will. We all will." All of us laughed thinking about spending a Saturday in a kiddie party filled with pink dresses, pink cakes, and pink balloons.
"What are you making now?" Jordan asked. "You're done with Valentine's right?"
"Oh, if it were up to me, I would be done before I begin." I said. "It's done." I said. "I'm making fresh shaved fennel and arugula salad." I said. "I'm making a spread for indoor Spring picnic in Chicago."
"Indoor picnic?" Nigel asked.
"Hahah yeah...can't have picnic soon enough. It doesn't always have to be outside. All you need is some sunshine." I said. "I'm also making marinated artichoke and grilled chicken melt with ramp, arrow head chips, and apricot cobbler."
"Sounds great." Jordan said. "Sounds very seasonal."
"Yep." I said. "Surprisingly I get all the ingredients in the pantry." I laughed. "I'm almost done...I said. Will set these food next door in studio D. You guys want to join me for lunch?"I asked. That was a long shot. Surely they were busy.
"I can't." Jordan said. "I trust you, Sab. It'll be great. Just show me the shots." I nodded. I figured they wouldn't be able to join me.
"I'll join you." Nigel said. "I'm hungry." He smiled. My heart just left my body. I was dead for a little while. When the heart decided to return back to my chest cavity, I realized Nigel took me up on my lunch offer. I tried my best to cover my surprise. I was damn elated and ecstatic. What?!! Lunch with Nigel. No, not just lunch. It would be a picnic with Nigel!
"Only if you don't mind, Miss. Gilmour." Nigel said.
"Of course she doesn't." Jordan said. "You're welcome anytime. Any of these food are yours, practically."
I nodded and laughed. Nigel tilted his head, still looking for my acceptance without giving Jordan any heed.
"Jordan couldn't put it any better." I said. "It would be my honor if you would join me for some indoor picnic."
"Excellent." He said.
"Let's say 11:45?" I asked. "Studio D?"
"It's a date."

Did he just say it was a date? Oh Jesus, please help me. Give me some ventolin, seretide, singulair because I couldn't breathe. Oh, this would be how emphysema or asthma would feel. I just couldn't breathe. I needed a huge oxygen tank. As soon as they left my kitchen, I really did hyperventilated. If I were a dog, my tongue would be out of my mouth, panting like crazy.

As soon as I got my composure and realizing what was happening, I really couldn't stop smiling. The prospect of spending an hour or two with Nigel was creating so many different nuances of emotions within me. I was super excited I couldn't contain it. I didn't even think about what Victoria would say. I didn't care about what Roberta would think. I simply didn't think about any of it. I just focused on getting my food done as perfect as possible, coordinating with my staff for the picnic set up and the test shoot, and changing! I had less than two hours in making sure everything would be perfect. Goodness gracious, save me!

I felt a tremendous excitement and pressure like I couldn't believe. My stomach was so upset from the anticipation. It was too much. Oh, if only I blew this whole thing, it would be just great. No, it couldn't be. This time, things couldn't go south. It just couldn't.

Oh my - I couldn't wait until 11:45!! Can you believe it? It's Nigel. It's really Nigel! I heard music instantly playing in my head. My heart was filled with sweet melodies, and wonderful roses. Everything was in bloom. Garden of Eden was blossoming inside of me. It didn't feel like South of Heaven for once. It felt like I died and I actually went to heaven.

Yet, I could hear my heart beat so fast and loud. If I were strapped to a heart rate monitor, it would show that I was very much alive. Maybe this was what they called having the best of both worlds.

Chapter 9

I'm from New York State. I should be into New York style pizza, hot dogs, even knish. Well, don't get me wrong - of course, I love all those. There isn't much that I don't like or won't eat. I know I won't eat cats, dogs, rats, and squirrels. However, I am up for everything else. However, you could surely mistaken me being a Southern belle. I love Southern style cooking - from soul food, barbecue, Cajun, and everything from the American South. I'm not sure how I got the affinity for it; but, I just really love it. Whenever I feel down, I always look for some good ol' country cooking. It's quite hard to find a good place in Chicago for this type of food. However, Table Fifty-Two is definitely one of my favorites here.

Table Fifty-Two is known better as Art Smith's restaurant. Yes, he is popularly referred as Oprah Winfrey's Chef and he was also on Top Chef Masters. He went pretty far but got beaten by I think, Rick Bayless, another Chicago Chef. Too bad because if I were the judge on Top Chef Masters, I would have chosen Art over Rick.

I felt better already knowing that some cheesy grits and bacon jalapeno cornbread would be coming shortly. I was thinking about the food all the way to the restaurant. Well, I do live and breathe food. It's who I am. It's everything I am. So, no - it's not weird that I look forward to lunch right after eating breakfast. It is not weird that imagining succulent corn bread made me happy. It is not weird that I at times get more satisfaction from eating than having sex. There is such thing as foodgasm. Believe me. Oh, it does exist. My first dinner at the Fat Duck of Heston Blumenthal in London was a pure foodgasm. I couldn't even tell you how crazy of a climax it was eating at Noma in Copenhagen. It was a climax as a climax should be. There was nothing underwhelming about the food. I remember when I put the brown cheese and sloe berry in my mouth, I really wanted to do what Meg Ryan did in "When Harry Met Sally."

Though to tell you the truth, though I love foodgasm, I really could use the regular big O. Preferably not self inflicted either and that a special type of magic wand is being utilized as the happy ending handler. I really needed to stop lusting over Nigel. I just couldn't help myself. He was the only person that was on my mind all day from the moment I woke up this morning. I really could tell him the cheesiest pick up line of "You must be tired, cuz you have been running through my mind all day." I tried to stop thinking about him for maybe five minutes after listening to Victoria chewing my ass about the possibility that my bad day was caused by perhaps that I did something stupid with Nigel. How absurd. If I did something stupid with Nigel, I had a hunch it would be something real good. I might feel bad the next day but at the time, I knew I'd be in heaven.

How come Vic could think I would have a sad long face because I did something bad with Nigel? That was really peculiar now that it occurred to me. Did she think Nigel would have had turn me down? Oh! How could she think that?! She probably really didn't think Nigel Gallagher would go for me. I would have to ask her that at dinner.

Mh...even thinking about the food in Europe did not change my craving for Table Fifty-Two. Xandra was from Dallas, Texas. Now, she loves to eat but she really loves good fried chicken dinner and some sweet tea. I love eating with Xandra. She can put it away and she's the least picky out of all my friends. Eating with Bobbie I would not be satiated. Eating with Vic...mh, it depends on the day. Vic hardly eats anything. Emma loves to eat and she's kind of moderate in the scale. She only likes snob food. I really can't take her eating at hole in the wall restaurants. Xandra on the other hand, she even likes buffet. Euww, I know, realizing how usually buffet is set up. Xandra didn't care though. When it comes to feeding, my friend Xandra is like the honey badger. She's hungry. She doesn't care. She doesn't give a shit.

Vic and Xandra were already enjoying some cocktails at our secluded table on the second floor. The restaurant was quite small but we got a nook to one side and it gave us a tiny bit of extra privacy. I loved the sage green decor. Sage green is one of my favorite colors.

"What took  you so long?!" Vic said.
"Oh! Sorry. I drove today." I said. "Gotta walk to  the parking garage, and drove here and parked the damn thing." I said.
"You drove?" Xandra asked.
"Yeah..well, I didn't wanna brave it on these heels."
"You need to quit complaining about the heels, Sabrina. Those heels look hot on you." Vic said as she was eyeing the shoes.
"I know." I smiled. "I love how they made my legs looked super long." I said.
"You could be a model, Sabrina." Xandra said. "You're super pretty when you applied yourself."
"Why, thanks." I said and rolled my eyes. I usually am not pretty in the eyes of these two fashionistas. I grabbed her glass and took a sip. "What was that?"
"Sweetheart." Xandra said.
"Ugh..like the candy?"
"Yeah...Valentine's Day is coming."
"Ugh....Good God." I said. "Don't even go there." I said.
"We could have used her for our shot today." Vic said. "That Giambattista dress!" Vic said.
"Oh!" Xandra gasped. "I couldn't find one model to look good in it." Xandra said.
"Give it to me." I said. "Really? I would look good in it?"
"Yeah. I think you would." Vic said
"Can I have it?" I asked. Vic laughed. "Maybe...but it won't look good with an apron."
"I'll rock it." I said and laughed. "So tired..." I said. "Oh...and before I left, Eric Phillips was looking for me. He snuck up behind me, out of nowhere. He scared the hell out of me."
"Whaaaat?"
"I just jumped and screamed, cuz he startled me." I laughed.
"Oh that guy." Vic smirked. "What did he want from you?"
"No idea. He said it could wait. So I said then it waits."
"Who's Eric Phillips?" Xandra asked.
"The hottie CFO of SGE" Vic said. "He's real easy on the eyes." Vic said as she was smiling and obviously had Eric in her mind. Eric Phillips is definitely the hottie CFO of Stearns Gallagher Enterprises.
"Have you slept with him, Vic?" I asked, curious. "From the look of you, I had a hunch you had. If he's not married. Is he married?"
"Eric? Oh, heavens no." Vic said.
"No what?" I asked.
"No, I have not slept with him, and No, he's not married. Besides, if I did, you would know."
"Oh good!" I said. "Cuz if he was married, that poor wife of his."
"Why poor wife of his? Not lucky wife of his?" Vic asked confused. "He's handsome and loaded."
"I just imagined him being totally high maintenance and I can't see him being satisfied with one woman." I said. Vic smirked. "Wow, who's judgmental now?"
I exhaled. "I know. I told that to myself just now." I said. "Well, he had every single girl at work giving him the gooch eye."
"Well, but that's not his fault he's hot."
"No...but I hate guys that know that they're hot." I said. "He had that aura about him."
"He's a nice guy." Vic said. "But, yeah...I agree. He can get any girl he wants. It'll be hard to feel secure being with that guy if you want to be the only woman in his heart."
"Won't be your problem, Vic." Xandra said and laughed. "What stops you from jumping his bone?" Vic gracefully turned her pretty head towards Xandra.
"Alexandra!" She said. "I happen to look for love too, you know."
"Oh." Xandra said sarcastically. "Could've fooled me."
"Me second." I said and laughed.
"I always had a good intention when I dated a guy hoping that it would become something meaningful."
"Yeah, except that good intention isn't the only thing that counts on this case." I said.
"Hahaha...yeah, you actually had to give it a chance and not just judge a guy based on how he performs in bed."
Vic shook her head. "I'm shocked!" She said. "I thought you two know me well. You're just my bffs for pete's sake."
"Of course we knew you well." I laughed. "You're just in denial that you use men solely for sex."
"Well, I'm not." She said. "That's what they're good for. Because when you gave them your heart, what do they do to you? Sabrina, you should know."
I pursed my lips, knowing it all to well.
"Yeah...look who's talking now?" Vic said. "Is it better that you make love out of love and get your heart broken royally; or, you participate on the cycle, except you're in control and you're the one who do the breaking heart part?"
"I don't know." I said as I mused. "It sure was  nice when you made love with someone and you were utterly and totally in love with him." I said.
Vic was quiet too. Her eyes looked afar outside the window. I could almost see pain in those big sparkly eyes of hers. In fact, it was pure pain in Victoria's eyes.
She then said..."Yes, I really forgot how that felt." She looked down and ate a piece of biscuit. She ate a biscuit. That's carb.
"I don't think you did." I said. Vic turned to see me and smiled curtly.
"I did forget." She said."Anyway, Eric actually asked me a couple of times about you."
"About me? What did he want to know? My food budget? I had to eat in expensive restaurants at times." I said. "I have a job to do."
Vic laughed. "No, he never asked me about your budget."
"So what did he ask?" Xandra said.
"Uh, just little thing...like where's Sabrina today, or what's Sabrina making today." Vic said. "Little things but it made me wonder at times since he seems to pay attention to what you are up to."
"Huh, I would not know." I said.
"Well, Sab...unless you're interested in the guy, you are so oblivious to people around you, especially men." Vic said.
"That, I agree." Xandra said. "Like that guy over there." Xandra said pointing her chin towards a gentleman across the room from us eating dinner with another male, perhaps an associate. "He's been taking a glance at your several times now. Sure you didn't notice."
"What guy?" I asked.
"Case in point!" Vic said and laughed.
"Ah, of course he is looking at you or Xandra."
"Oh no, honey." Xandra said. "I know exactly when a guy is looking at me."
"Me too." Vic said. "I have sixth and seventh sense when it comes to that."
"He's looking at you." Xandra said. "You couldn't even tell. You need to be a lot more cognizant of these things, Sab. Make eye contact! I don't know how many times I told you that."
"Uh...... I'm not interested anyway." I said. "I am not in the mood to pick up or being picked up. What am I gonna do with it anyway?"
"It?"Vic laughed. "Are you talking about the man or the penis?"
"If it's the man, take him home and have fun with him. If it's the penis, I think you know what to do with it. At least, I sure hell hope so." Vic said.
"I just want Nigel." I said as I stared at my water glass. "Just him."
"Honey, if you got what you want, you would feel a lot worse in the morning than if you would just have a one night stand with that guy."
I exhaled quite hard. "For all we know that guy could be married too."
"Why don't you find out?" Vic said. "You don't have to sleep with him. But who knows! He might be a great guy."
I shook my head. "Nuh. Not tonight." I said.
"Stubborn ass girl." Vic said.
"Hey, back to Eric." Xandra tried to change the subject. "How come you didn't go for him, Vic?" Vic was thinking..
"Huh?" She said. "Eric? I don't know. No chemistry. Whenever he's around me, though I think he's more than tantalizing, but there's just no pull." Vic said. "Besides, I don't think he's attracted to me. Never  got that vibe from him."
"And here's Sabrina painting a picture that he will hit anything that moves."
"It's just my take on him." I said. "He just seems to be a player."I said. "I just didn't care for him. He's the type that will take your heart in a heartbeat and stomp on it."
"Too bad then Vic." Xandra said. "Wish you could take his heart and stomp on it."
"He doesn't go for anyone prettier than him." Vic said.

I never said Victoria didn't have self esteem. She is beautiful and she knows it too. Just like Eric. They could have been the perfect couple. They could out-stage each other daily. She may talk big about breaking hearts, going on dates like the slut of the town; however, in reality, I think Victoria is lonely. She always tries hard to convince all of us that she doesn't need love. I saw that look on her eyes today when I talked about making love out of love. Her mouth could lie, but her eyes couldn't.

At times, we called ourselves "The Famous Five" from childhood mystery book series that Emma and Roberta used to read when they were young written by British Author, Enid Blyton. There's nothing cool about the name, and there was no special reason why we refer to ourselves as that. It just sort of happened. We're definitely not famous either. Well, we have names. Many people know of us. However, famous? Hardly. My mom also loved those books but she read those books in Indonesian. She read me some of them and I vaguely remembered it. However, in Indonesian, the five bunch was translated into two words that meant just five friends. I liked that better.

But out of the five friends, only Roberta and Emma are in a relationship. Xandra, Vic, and I are on the prowl. How I wish Roberta would be single too. Not that I wished she would become single again. However, I think it would be more fun to go out with her men hunting than with Vic and Xandra. Vic and Xandra are so confident with men. Vic is always out for blood. She is never afraid getting hurt because she will do the hurting part. Xandra is another story. She's one of the warmest friends I have; but she can turn into an ice queen so easily. Anyone crosses her line, she can just turn it off and you're cut.  I am on the other hand, I'm not very confident when it comes to men. I always second guess myself. I always worry about making the right move or saying the right words. Plus, I am so afraid of getting hurt. Out of the bunch, I'm the only one who keeps getting heartache after heartache. All my friends seem to always help me nurse my wound.

It has been a long time since Vic and Xandra cried for help about the matter of the heart. Roberta is having a blast with Sam. She complained here and there, but nothing big. Emma always flaunts her happiness with John to a point you just want to tell her, "shut up, bitch."

When it comes to me - I am the one who is so scared getting hurt, but I always take chances. However, almost as sure as tax day on April 15th, I get my heart broken. They all say I am too nice and nice girl finish last. It has been proven true. However, I just couldn't turn myself into Victoria. I couldn't turn myself into ice cold like Xandra. I have never been able to draw a vivid boundaries with people I care about like Roberta. I let them crossed it and then the bullet hits.

I know Vic, Xandra, and Roberta were hard on me thus far about Nigel because they didn't want to see me get hurt again. They probably were all exasperated by my choice in men. However, to tell you the thruth, I really thought I went for the nice guys. I thought I surely did target the nice guy. Even, Nigel - yes, he's a married man. However, if you took that out of the equation, you would find a guy that's just kind, sweet, with smiley eyes, and that he would treat you like a queen.

"Snap out of it!" Vic said as she hit the table with her fist. It really snapped me back into reality.
"Foods are here!" She said and smiled.

Dinner was so marvelous. It was super great. The bacon jalapeno cornbread with honey butter was so tasty. I had one of Xandra's fried chickens and mac and cheese as well. My cornmeal crusted catfish was so yummy. It just hit the spot.

Vic kept on texting throughout the dinner. She was busy fiddling with her phone, texting a guy obviously, and then she cracked a big smile every time she got another text. We were nosy asking who. However, she was really secretive about it and just dismissed us. She said nobody we would know. Xandra wasn't too interested as she knows those guys are a dime a dozen when it comes to Victoria.

Some of you wanted a climax. Nice. I haven't had a climax in a very long time and I had to produce one? The climax to me tonight as well as for Victoria was the pecan pie. The sweet caramelized pecan nestled in the flaky pie crust, with whipped cream to one side, and vanilla bean ice cream. It was hot, and melting, and ever so creamy. When it entered your pie hole, it did its work like it should - creating all kinds of sweet pleasing sensations that made you wanting to moan.

"Mhhhhhhhhh........" Xandra closed her eyes as she let out a moan.
"Ohhhh...that's so goood." Vic said ever so softly, almost in wither "Oh..God."
"Oh yeah.....Oh yeah! I love it....oh..." I said trying to finish the last bite.
"Ahhhh." Vic said again. "Whewww! That's amazing." She shook her head trying to live up the pleasure she just experienced.

Did I say dinner was marvelous? It was! It gave  a great ending to an awful day. Now, it's time for me to head south. Homebound.